The Spring Line of Plagues

DEAR REVEREND: Hallelujah! How blessed we are that Our Holy Father sent us AIDS to punish the sinning homosexuals, intravenous drug users and Haitians! And now I read that his new plague, SARS, is cleansing the Communists of China and Canada. Can Cuba be far behind? And what other wondrous gifts can we expect in the coming Apocalypse?


DEAR DUANE: Our Father has a complex love-hate relationship with sinners. He loves them and wishes they would repent their sin, but He also tortures, kills, and damns them. Question not His Ways, but know that to every thing there is a season, and to every un-Godly activity there shall be a devastating mystery illness. So it is written in the Book of Punishment. Look forward in the coming days to these new instruments of God's beautiful, inscrutable justice:

Catastrophic Arterial Reversal Syndrome (CARS): Victims of this divine plague shall include antiwar protesters, liberal Republicans, and Al-Jeezra journalists. Woe to them, for their blood shall pump backwards and their heads shall explode, such as is God's grace.

General Unspecific Necrotizing Smititis (GUNS): Opponents of President Bush's tax cut plan may soon wake to find their flesh withered, rotten, and falling off in ghastly clumps. They shall seek death, but shall not die; neither shall polling places admit them.

Human Urinary-Rectal Torment Syndrome (HURTS): Prostitutes, environmentalists, and Noam Chomsky shall experience numbness, irritation, bleeding, leprosy, and seepage in their lower Sin Areas. Unless sin is repented, HURTS will lead directly to EATS, described below.

Eternal Agonizing Torture Syndrome (EATS): For unrepentant victims of SARS, CARS, HURTS and GUNS, death is just the first step on God's Divine Treadmill of Pain. In Hell they shall be daily disemboweled, smitten, impaled, defecated upon, and made fun of by Satan's crack team of agony professionals. Avoid EATS: repent today!