Trickle Down From Heaven Theory

DEAR REVEREND: Could you possibly help me out with any spare change today? I'm trying to scrape up enough money to get a cheeseburger. Any amount would help.

Yours desperately,

"Broke," Sidewalk, Downtown

DEAR "BROKE": You say you're hungry? Down on your luck? Well, I think you need more than a little spare change, My friend. You need capital infrastructure-- resource restructuring of Biblical proportions!

I'm sure you've noticed My obvious wealth and satisfaction. And I've certainly noticed the way you smell. But don't think Jesus loves you any less than He loves Me, just because He's left you standing on the corner with a dirty paper cup in your hand. Jesus doesn't want to see you like that! Jesus wants to see you working!

You see, God loves America--he's just waiting for us to love Him back! This economy of ours isn't going to pick up until We turn our careers over to Jesus and let Him schedule our overtime. Gainful employment is the highest form of prayer, for Capitalism, too, is part of His Great Plan. In fact George W. Bush, God's Chosen President, has just unleashed a mighty tide of faith-based economic stimulus, so great is His love for you, Me, and the Almighty's dollar. As soon as America sees the light, feels the love, and gets back to work, The Lord will throw open the pearly floodgates of prosperity and let His cool, cleansing dollars trickle down upon you.

When you sign on with Jesus & Company, the opportunities are endless! But you must be humble and honest, for there are no slackers in Heaven, friend. Jesus doesn't mind if you're sewing shoes in Tijuana or scrubbing the floors of corporate boardrooms, as long as you're scrubbing and sewing with love and compassion. If Jesus asks you to work long hours in unsafe conditions for minimum wage, don't question His wisdom; just rejoice that He is your health insurance, your pension plan, and the final arbiter of your disputes.

Therefore, "Broke," I beseech you, for your own sake and for the love of Christ: Get a job!