PORTLAND, ORE.—A local man has sworn to "destroy the City of Portland" using a "Death Star" suit of his own construction.
Randy McCoogan, 34, of Portland, has cited several reasons for his decision to "utterly destroy" the town he lives in. "Well, for one, the girls around here are totally bogus," McCoogan said. "It's like they think they're too hot to go out with me. And this rain is unrelenting! It makes me want to kill everything."
In response to his many complaints, McCoogan built his "walking Death Star" using the film Star Wars as his inspiration. "Darth Vader had the right idea," McCoogan said. "I mean, I'm no Han Solo, but... c'mon. Girls ought to appreciate me better."
According to McCoogan, his walking Death Star has the same weaponry as its namesake, including a "planetary proton beam generator," capable of "blowing Portland and its stuck-up girls into a bazillion bits."
Chief Foxworth of the Portland Police reminded citizens to remain calm, and that the department is ready to deal with McCoogan's threat. "We'll fly low across the surface of Randy's Death Star and into the trenches," Foxworth said. "The goal is to launch two photon torpedoes down Randy's thermal exhaust port. Though the target is only two meters wide, a precise hit will cause a chain reaction in his reactor core, thus destroying his Death Star."
Though there are those within the department who doubt the success of such a plan, Sgt. Mark Hamilton of the North Precinct is ready to give it a try. "I used to bullseye womp rats in my T16 back home," Hamilton said. "They're not much bigger than two meters."