Whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend didn't know about vibrators. Gals love their toys. However, even the ballsiest boy might feel a twinge of penis envy when he catches a glimpse of the thick eight-inch pearl-studded Pink Panther on his darling's bedside table. Well, try this on for size: The Clone-A-Willy penis casting kit, invented by a Portland entrepreneur and lovingly fashioned by folks like Noah Kort right here in the Rose City. Noah's been a part of the fast-growing company for almost a year. He spends his days pouring rubber into small jars (that's patented, non-toxic rubber—a Big Deal in sex toy circles), and at night hits the comic circuit as "The Original Dildo Factory Comedian." He's a funny guy. Check his schedule at noahkort.com.

How did you get into this line of work?

I used to make coffee drinks for the dildosmiths at the Bakery Bar. It was Christmastime and I was looking to make some extra cash so I took a part-time job with them. It turned out I was pretty good at making dildos, so I quit the Bakery Bar and started working at the "dildory" full-time. It's a pretty decent gig—you know, benefits and stuff.

No way! Every girl's dream: a dildo maker with benefits! What kind of dildos do you make?

We make a penis molding kit called Clone-A-Willy. The kit comes with two jars of rubber that you mix together. You get a bag of alginate, which is a non-toxic molding compound. You add water to the alginate, pour it into the tube provided, stick your erection in there and make a negative mold of your penis (or whatever phallic object you want to stick into the tube). Then you fill the mold with rubber and displace it with a ladyfinger dildo. When it's done curing you have a vibrating replica of your penis.

Do you make other products?

We manufacture different versions of Clone-A-Willy: chocolate, candles, soap-on-a-rope, glow-in-the-dark vibrating dildo, and a deep-tone flesh-colored vibrating dildo. We also have a Clone-A-Pussy kit, but the end product is just a surface clone, so it's more popular in the chocolate variety. You can't actually make a functioning sex toy out of it.

Do you ever take your work home with you?

Yeah! I've tried all our products. It's definitely a two-person project to clone your penis. The alginate is time activated, so once the water is mixed with the alginate, you have a limited amount of time to get your full erection in there, so you really need someone else to do all the other work while you focus on maintaining your hard-on.

Or vice versa, I suppose.

Or vice versa.