MONDAY, JUNE 30 Query: If we can't depend on Madonna's publicist telling us the truth, then on whom can we depend? Rumors have been rumbling for weeks, and it's looking more and more like the sacred union between Madonna and director spousey Guy Ritchie is taking the exit ramp to Dunzoville. While Her Madgesty's publicist continues to deny the upcoming split, all signs point directly to divorce—with the announcement being allegedly delayed until after her current world tour. BUT HEY. Perhaps we're just cynical, and shouldn't automatically assume it's a publicist's job to lie for their client—even though this was the same publicist who violently swore Madonna was NOT adopting a child from Malawi... that is, until Madge was bringing her African tyke home. So in two weeks, don't be surprised if the publicist releases the following quote: "Wait... a divorce? Is that what you said? Ohhhh... I thought you wanted to know if Madonna was getting 'de horse'! She just loves her Jamaican stallions." MEANWHILE... Speaking of members of the horse family, Jennifer Aniston was spotted stomping her hooves in fury after floozy Kimberly Stewart showed up at one of boytoy John Mayer's recent London gigs. Apparently when the far younger and considerably less equine Kimberly began making sexy googly eyes at her man, Jen whinnied "Neigh!" and had the little whore mule-kicked from the venue. You go, Jen! No little filly is going to steal this stallion! (But just to be extra safe, maybe you should put blinders on John. He can borrow yours, right?)
TUESDAY, JULY 1 And speaking of man-stealing (albeit humanitarian) whores, Angelina Jolie is still having the babies that rightfully should be gestating in the nearly barren womb of Jennifer Aniston. Today Angie's obstetrician announced he would be giving a press conference regarding her upcoming delivery (to be held in a fancy-pantsy French hospital), which made the aforementioned press go number one and two in their pants. Unfortunately, this is all he had to say: "She will give birth in the next two weeks. She is perfectly entitled to protect her privacy. She will stay in the hospital as long as it takes for her to give birth to her babies and have sufficient rest and then she will be allowed to go home. I can't really say more than that." Gee, maybe if we ever get pregnant, we'll be able to afford the "Obstetrician-Bot 2000." MEANWHILE... Us magazine threw more gas on the Madonna fire today when it announced that Madge has been "hosting late-night visits from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez at her Central Park West apartment." Now, it should be noted that Us is not calling Madonna and Rodriguez's relationship "a romantic affair." Instead, it's being referred to (on their cover) as a "Hot New Friendship!" That means these "hot friends" have probably been spending their "late-night visits" in the most innocent of ways: drinking milk, exchanging pictures of their children, and playing Connect Four... naked... with his penis shoved up her vaheena.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 2 Happy birthday, Lindsay Lohan! (Hold on... she's not drunk? SNORE!) Though she may have the leathery brown skin of our 65-year-old Aunt Wanda from Boca Raton, our little LiLo turned a mere 22 years old today, and celebrated the occasion with her lesbiaahhhhhh... we mean her "hot new friend" DJ Samantha Ronson. The pair attended an intimate "prom-themed" party with Lindy wearing the requisite bright pink micro mini, and Ronson sporting a tuxedo shirt, bow tie, top hat, and (ahem) trousers. Afterward, the two got wasted on punch, made clumsy love on a golf course, and puked in her father's borrowed station wagon. Wait... that was our prom. MEANWHILE... Madonna Gate '08 continues! Today super-lame rocker Lenny Kravitz wormed his way into the controversy by claiming he is NOT having an affair with Cynthia Rodriguez, who is the wife of Alex Rodriguez who is NOT having an affair with Madonna, who is NOT getting a divorce from Guy Ritchie, who is NOT exactly sure who Lenny Kravitz is. And the circle is complete.
THURSDAY, JULY 3 Conservative radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh has signed a deal to keep doing his show until 2016, and making an estimated $400 million. You, on the other hand, have your soul. Feel better? MEANWHILE... According to the New York Daily News, accused Madonna-porker Alex Rodriguez and accused Lenny Kravitz-porker Cynthia Rodriguez are getting a divorce. Hmmm... something's wrong here. Are we sure everyone in this situation is getting porked? Ohhh... poor Guy Ritchie.
FRIDAY, JULY 4 WAIT! According to World Entertainment News, Guy Ritchie is "visiting" (AKA porking) Sting's wife, Trudie Styler, at her and Sting's country estate! OMG, can this story get any more awesome? (Only when Sting eventually gets around to porking Lenny Kravitz's wife!) MEANWHILE... Traditionally, Hubby Kip celebrates our nation's independence by driving across three state lines in order to get "the good fireworks," which he then proceeds to light off our garage roof. (Last year one of his Roman candles landed in the neighbor's kiddie pool. God, pediatric burn wards are so depressing.) But something else happened today: Former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms died at age 86. A real charmer, Helms opposed the 1964 Civil Rights Act, compared abortion to the Holocaust, and called homosexuals "weak, morally sick wretches." We know it's usually verboten to tell the truth when someone dies, and yet: Helms was an outdated bigot with too few wits and too much power, and while we're not quite bitchy enough to say that we're glad he's gone, we certainly won't be missing him. Moving on: Anybody got a fire extinguisher we can borrow?
SATURDAY, JULY 5 Last week we told you about Britney Spears' comeback as everyone's favorite crazy celeb. This week: it gets even better! Okay, deep breath: Let's start with a name you hoped you'd never read again: Adnan Ghalib! That's right—Brit's soul-patched former douchey boytoy is back in the picture, reportedly sneaking into the gated community where Britta lives, and sending secret text messages in which he complains that Britney's father is too "controlling." (On one hand, maybe he's right. On the other hand, she's wearing underwear.) According to TMZ.com, Brit and Adnan's not-so-secret romance has been going on for a few months. Allow us to be the first to wish the happy couple the best of luck, and please believe us when we say we are not eagerly anticipating another train wreck at all.
SUNDAY, JULY 6 "Over the last 25 years, opportunities to head off the current [energy] crisis were ignored, missed, or deliberately blocked," the New York Times reported today. "Much of what we're seeing today could have been prevented or ameliorated had we chosen to act differently," Pete V. Domenici, a Republican member of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, told the Times. "It was a bipartisan failure to act." But even that isn't quite as worrisome as this next bit: According to Reuters, we can expect prices to top $200 a barrel within a year or two. (They're currently at a scant $150.) MEANWHILE... Sure, gas prices might mean you can't afford to drive to work anymore, but hey, at least a couple of fetuses are already living the high life! As reported earlier, Brangelina's unborn twins are scheduled to get popped in a very fancy exclusive French hospital—and the residents of France, perhaps in desperate need for a post-Jerry Lewis celebrity, are already creaming their culottes in anticipation. "All zair lives, zey will be Niçois, and all zair life zey vill be abail to come to Nice and ve vill receef zem viz great 'onair!" Christian Estrosi, the mayor of Nice, declared as he granted "honorary citizen" status to the two tiniest Brangelinas. Too soon? Maybe. But since Madonna is already planning on having sex with them in 2024, the French needed to move quickly.