MONDAY, JANUARY 1 Happy New Year! Are you ready for your terrorist attack? Sure, you've got a hangover and a strange person lying next to you in bed—you don't have time to wonder what awful things to expect from God this coming year. But then, that's why we have evangelical crazies like conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, who, after intense meditation during his annual prayer retreat, has returned with the following words of optimism: "I'm not saying it's necessarily nuclear [attack], the Lord didn't say nuclear. It'll be mass killing, possibly millions of people, major cities. The evil people will come after this country and there's a definite certainty that chaos is going to rule." Naturally, YOU have nothing to worry about, because you're a regular viewer of Pat's The 700 Club... right? Oh. You're not. Hmmm... you may be in for a bit of a rough time, then. See, according to Robertson, regular viewers of his right-wing crackpot show need not fear getting blown to bits by al-Qaeda operatives. Why? Says Robertson, "If you get blown up or something, you go to heaven, that's the worst thing that will happen to you." Apparently, Jesus will fly down on a cloud, sweep all your blown-up bits into a golden dustpan, and spirit you away to heaven where for eternity you will experience joys unimaginable—just make sure to remind Jesus not to forget your foot... it's over there behind the dumpster.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 2 Is Ann Romano going to heaven? Mmmm, no... despite the terrorist attacks prophesized by that looney-tune Robertson fella, we've decided to hang around here on earth. Why? Because Justin Timberlake finally dumped the acne-ridden Cameron Diaz! EEEEEEEEEE! As you know, this duo has been happily (and thus annoyingly) cavorting around Hollyweird ever since Britney Spears jumped the shark by allegedly cheating on Justin way back in '02. And we'll give this much to Cameron... for a rebound, she lasted a LONG TIME. Especially for someone quite a bit older than JT and riddled with pimples. But because he made the mistake of tying his cart to just one zit-covered horse, Justin was denied the pleasure of dating someone more suited to him—which is to say, US. So now that he's free again, there's no reason for him not to contact us immediately at email@example.com. (And JT? Don't worry about Hubby Kip—he can have Cameron.) MEANWHILE... While Justin may have a standing invitation to knock on our hotel room door, the same cannot be said for pot-bellied skeez Kid Rock—whose anger issues have not abated in the days following his dumpage by blonde bombshell Pamela Anderson. According to today's Las Vegas Review-Journal, Kid (real name: Bob Ritchie—HA!) was seen trolling the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, and flew into a rage after witnessing Pammy in the arms of former hubby/current sleaze Tommy Lee. Though able to control his anger for a record-breaking three hours, his emotions eventually got the better of him, and at 6 am, Kid wound up banging on (and damaging) a door he believed to be Tommy Lee's suite. Turned out the door was NOT Tommy Lee's and belonged to a normal (and very frightened) person. Upon realizing his mistake, Rock quickly issued an apology and a hastily scribbled autograph, which would have been great—if anyone actually gave a crap anymore about Kid Rock.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 3 It isn't often that "local news" and "gabby gossip from Hollyweird" intersects... but when it does? Hooooo, BOY! According to TMZ.com, former Portland resident Carl Raymond Cheney has been charged with attacking dreamy soap star hunk Drake Hogestyn (John Black from Days of Our Lives). Apparently the mentally challenged Cheney had been watching a bit too much DOOL as well as The 700 Club, because he reportedly ran into the backyard of the soap star's Malibu home carrying a Bible and screaming, "Where is he? I will cast him out!" According to daytime's delicious Hogestyn, Cheney was "calling me by my stage name [John Black]... recalling past storylines, especially the demonic possession of several years past." Normally, when regular people are attacked by a screaming Bible-wielder, they hightail it out of there. BUT NOT HOGESTYN (AKA JOHN BLACK). Hogestyn says he "grabbed [the assailant] by the hair, spun him around, and delivered a right cross to the chin that sent him down the stairs." Yeah, it's kind of a shame this guy is from Portland, but... we'd pay money to get a right cross from this dreamboat! SIGH!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 4 Today Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. Upon removal of her appendix, her heart, lungs, and liver are also expected to file for emancipation.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 5 "Trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect," Britney Spears wrote today on her website in response to her drunken, slutty, va-heena-flashin' hijinks in the past few weeks. "If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day." (Wait... what?) So—aside from the fact that she clearly failed eighth-grade English—what's Brit trying to say? Oh, right: That she doesn't need any more wiseass comments from no-good gossipers like ourselves! Well, okay, Brit! We'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you can turn your life arou—Wait! STOP the presses! We interrupt this Britney Spears News to bring you Breaking Britney News! TMZ.com just reported that Britney has agreed to temporary "joint custody" of her children with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Well, kinda: "Kevin's physical custody is extremely limited. He will be allowed to be with the children from noon to 4 pm on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at Spears' residence." In other words, Britney's basically having Fed-Ex babysit for her. And K.Fed has to do it in the multi-kazillion dollar house that he just got kicked out of! Nice one, Brit! Maybe you really are starting to figure things ou—This just in! Even More Breaking Britney News! "Also under the terms of the stipulation, Federline is allowing Spears to take the children to Miami for a week," TMZ.com continues. Oh, great. Yeah, nothing could go wrong there, Brit. Didn't you see Miami Vice? Miami's full of nothing but drug dealers and mulleted Colin Farrells! You'll be knee deep in cocaine and flashing your va-heena at Colin in no time at all! Oh, never mind, Brit. See what happens when we give you the benefit of the doubt?
SATURDAY, JANUARY 6 Oh, those jokers in the US Army! CNN.com reported today that the Army "would apologize to the families of about 275 officers killed or wounded in action who were mistakenly sent letters urging them to return to active duty." Okay, so this is either the result of a typographical error in some branch of the armed forces, or the Army's recruitment needs are worse than anybody thought. Seriously—trying to re-enlist dead soldiers? Are we trying to create a zombie army? (Actually, considering how well our non-zombie army is doing in Iraq... zombie army, you say? Why not?)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 7 "In an ongoing battle over its reputation with unions and other critics," Wal-Mart has launched a new ad campaign, says the Associated Press. Featuring a "folksy" approach, the ads focus on the humble beginnings of the mega-corporation. Oh, c'mon! Like that'll work! If Wal-Mart really wants to convince people that their stores aren't owned by the Antichrist, it's way simpler than launching a massive ad campaign that no doubt took thousands of pre-pubescent, poverty-stricken, Third World "advertising representatives" months to create in some sweatshop! Just stock a nice selection of Hermès purses and Chloé shoes alongside those polyester hot pink sweatpants and XXL "No Fat Chicks" T-shirts. Trust us—you'll be shocked at how quickly we'll overlook that pesky "sweatshop labor/exploitation of workers/killing of independent businesses/raping of America's heartland" stuff.