MONDAY, JANUARY 22 Happy "Self-Realization Week"! What's that? You've never heard of this international holiday when we all take a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror, and then take drastic action to correct our glaring flaws? No? Huh... well, it's very popular. Especially in Sweden. And it's also very popular in Hollyweird, as proven today by Jennifer Aniston who FINALLY woke up, smelled the roses, and realized the nose she was using to smell those roses was WAY too big. So... she got an acre or two lopped off. According to Us Weekly, the actress was seen sneaking into the office of Tinsel Turd's top nose job specialist, Dr. Raj Kanodia—who also snipped and clipped the gi-normous snoots of Ashlee Simpson and Cameron Diaz. Then, four hours later? Ka-ZING! Jennifer exits the office with her face wrapped in bandages and 30 lbs. lighter. However, Jen's rep is denying the procedure was a full-blown nose job. "Jennifer had a procedure done to correct a deviated septum that was incorrectly done," said the professional liar. Yeahhhh... right. That's why Brad Pitt left her... over a deviated septum. But even more ridiculous? Jennifer is furious with Dr. Raj for not categorically denying she had the operation. And we're upset, too—not because Dr. Raj spilled the beans, but because now that Jen's features are somewhat less equine, we'll no longer be able to ask her, "Oh, Jennifer... Why the long face?" (Next up for Jennifer: that pointy chin. It really is going to put someone's eye out.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 23 Not too much "self-realization" going on with President Bush today... but at least he's trying. In his most sniveling State of the Union address yet, Bush tried the old sleight-of-hand maneuver to take our minds off the awful state of affairs in Iraq—by asking Americans to cut their gasoline use by 20 percent. Well, that's a pretty good idea. Maybe Bush could set a good example for the rest of us by refusing to fly thousands of new troops to participate in an unwinnable war in Iraq? Those planes use a LOT of fuel. We don't think that's going to happen, though, because it seems like the President is pretty committed to getting support for his new plan, which we like to call "Operation: Fuck Things Up Worse." "Our country is pursuing a new strategy in Iraq," Bush whimpered about his plan to send 21,500 additional troops to Iraq. "And I ask you to give it a chance to work." You know, our boyfriend in college posed a similar argument to us after we caught him sleeping with that bitch Mindy Wattameyer. And therefore Bush will receive the same response: "Mr. President, there's the door; your stuff is on the lawn."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24 "Self-Realization Week" continues with Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington heading off to rehab for calling a fellow cast member a "faggot." (Say "hi" to Lindsay Lohan for us, will ya?) It all went down backstage at last week's Golden Globes awards, when Washington was asked if had ever used a homophobic slur against his co-worker T.R. Knight, and he responded, "I never called him a faggot." Now, see? That would've been a great response—if you were speaking in front of the National Alliance of Rednecks and Christian Conservatives. However, to a highly liberal pack of actors and reporters at the Golden Globes? Not... so... much. In fact, the public outcry was so great, network executives have given Washington a choice: either "get thee to rehab" or hit the bricks. Guess which one he chose? "With the support of my family and friends, I have begun counseling," Washington said in a statement today. "I regard this as a necessary step toward understanding what I did and making sure it never happens again." On a side note: Are you as surprised as we were that there are "homophobia rehabs"? We don't know about you, but we're sending our grandfather there, tout de suite!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 25 Porny pop star Paris Hilton's "self-realization" of the week? ALWAYS PAY YOUR STORAGE LOCKER BILLS. For neglecting to pay that scant $208 per month, the contents of her locker have been sold to the highest bidder—which, unfortunately for Paris, turned out to be internet sleaze king David Hans Schmitt, who put everything online and is now charging people $39.97 a pop to view it. And it's totally worth the 40 bones if you're interested in the following mementos: love letters, to-do lists, prescription bottles (for Hydrocodone—a kissin' cousin to OxyContin), her dream journal, and bank statements. OH! And naturally, a number of videos of herself running around topless, kissing other girls, pretending to smoke a tampon, and spreading copious amounts of cocaine on a man's chest. Wow! It's like a presidential library—for sluts.
FRIDAY JANUARY 26 Don't you listen, Lindsay! Sure, those no-good tabloids keep pointing out the fact that you're constantly leaving rehab, implying that you "aren't taking rehab seriously," or that you "don't quite understand what 'rehab' means." But you've been in rehab for a long time, LiLo—like, nine days! That's practically an eternity! And sometimes, every once in while, you have to leave. And sometimes you need to leave twice. Or three times. Or four or five times. Nine days is a long time! Can you be blamed for hanging out at your condo on Monday? Or going to lunch with your friends on Wednesday? Or, as TMZ.com reports you did today, taking your SL500 Mercedes in for service, then stopping by the set of your new movie, then picking up one or two things at the grocery store? Sometimes everybody needs a break from annoying rehab counselors, what with all their depressing talk about "sobriety" and "dedication." Do they have an SL500 that needs an oil change? No! They don't even know how hard it is to be you!
SATURDAY JANUARY 27 Today presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton talked about how badly President George W. Bush screwed over Iraq—while nimbly dodging the fact she voted to let him screw up Iraq. "I take responsibility for having voted to give him that authority," she admitted, before quickly deflecting focus away from that responsibility. "My focus is on what we do now. That is the proper debate." Actually, Hillary, maybe the proper debate is why you voted to give Bush the power to go to war, even when anyone with a whit of sense knew his reasons were bullshit. Or maybe the proper debate is why we should trust you, considering you seem incapable of standing up for your beliefs until there's a clear benefit for yourself. (In related news, that charming Barack Obama, who is very handsome and very smart, voted against the war. Just saying.)
SUNDAY JANUARY 28 "I am what you puny Earthlings would describe as 'delighted' or 'exuberant,'" declared Emperor Klaktuu of Rigel VII today, reacting to the news that J. Lo is becoming a Scientologist. The New York Post reported today that J. Lo "has started using Scientology phrases and explains the church to people"—and with J. Lo joining the alien-worshipping ranks of Tom Cruise, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, and that way-too-hot-to-be-married-to-that-fat-guy chick on King of Queens, the Post speculated that "Lopez, who has had trouble conceiving in the past, could be leaning on the Scientologists for help in having a baby." "Indeed!" Emperor Klaktuu replied, bellowing from atop his saddled Thangarian Snare Beast. "The frail humanoids of your New York Post have reported accurately! For we shall give J. Lo a mighty child, one created with DNA from Cocktail-era Tom Cruise and Grease-era John Travolta! And Son of J. Lo will lead us into battle against the Insectoid Scourge from the Wastes of Nebulon 43, and we shall be victorious, and L. Ron Hubbard shall be praised throughout the 27 known universes! Stray Thetans will flee from our mighty intergalactic war ships, screaming in terror! BWA-HA-HA-HAAA!" In response to Emperor Klaktuu's statements, everyone on the planet Earth (who is not a delusional cultist) decided this whole Scientology thing really was J. Lo's third strike.