MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Did you notice that many of your male coworkers didn't show up at the office today? Apparently, it was due to some sort of "Budweiser Flu" that always seems to sweep the nation immediately following the Super Bowl. Even more incredibly, the women of America's workforce never seem to take advantage of this amazing opportunity to fuck with their male counterparts. Apparently we ENJOY making less money than men for doing the same work, and banging our heads on the glass ceiling—because otherwise, we would be doing everything in our power to get these meatheads fired (like making note of—or adding—the porn on their work computers), or at least plopping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes on their seats. Let's get with it, girls! We're never going to take over the world at this rate. Now... what were we talking about... oh, yes! The Super Bowl! And while the image of Prince masturbating behind a sheet during his half-time performance didn't manage to raise many eyebrows (it IS Prince, after all), America's gays and lesbians went haywire over a Super Bowl Snickers ad which depicted two men kissing, and its accompanying website which depicted NFL players getting grossed out by two men kissing. After a slew of online petitions and chastising from GLADD, the offensive site was finally taken down and the ads were shelved—leaving us all time to ponder the truly important question everyone is dying to know: Gays and lesbians watch the Super Bowl?
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 But if there was one person in America who wasn't offended by the Super Bowl Snickers commercial, it was Christian evangelist Ted Haggard—who has suddenly decided he's not so gay anymore! After last year's huge scandal in which the outspoken gay-maligning pastor was outed as a frequent customer of male prostitutes (and the penises inside their pants), Haggard surprised the world today by announcing, that after only a three-week therapy session, he's now "completely heterosexual." According to Rev. Tim Ralph of New Life Church (where Haggard used to preach the gospel of hating gay people), "[Haggard having sex with men] was the acting-out situations. It wasn't a constant thing." Of COURSE it wasn't a constant thing... it's nearly impossible to deliver sermons about the evil of gay marriage when there's a big cock in your mouth. (Trust us... Ann Coulter can tell you all about it.)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 7 And just in case you need further proof that heterosexuals are 100 times weirder than any gay person—save Jeffrey Dahmer—feast your eyes on the case of US astronaut Lisa Nowak, who has been charged in a truly bizarre kidnapping plot involving unrequited love, a cross-country trip, a BB gun, an unconvincing disguise, and adult diapers. Nowak is a married mom of three, who also happened to be a space shuttle astronaut and madly in love with fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein. Things went screwy when Nowak got it into her head that a captain in the Air Force, Colleen Shipman, was a rival for Oefelein's affections. And so, Nowak set off on a 950-mile road trip from Houston to Orlando to pay a little visit to that man-stealing bitch Shipman, taking along a bag containing pepper spray, a steel mallet, a BB gun, rubber tubing, a folding knife, and trash bags. Oh, and did we forget to mention she was wearing adult diapers so she wouldn't have to make any unscheduled stops that would prevent her from doing whatever she was planning on with that rubber tubing? Though Nowak claims her only intention was to "scare" Shipman, she really overdid it with the mallet and the BB gun. If an angry person wearing adult diapers approached us, we'd say, "No man alive is worth this! Take him!"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Hmmmm... just looking over the newspapers today, and it seems absolutely nothing happened. Oh... unless you count, Anna Nicole Smith's mysterious death, which is the only story being reported on today. Says here that this Anna Nicole person was a former jeans model? And she had a reality show? Okay, that info really ups the "importance" factor.... Hmm, and it also says that she was in a bitter inheritance battle for the millions of her dead oil tycoon hubby... (getting better!)... and her son also recently died of a mysterious methadone overdose... and her current husband, Howard K. Stern, now stands to inherit Anna Nicole's possible fortunes now that both she and the son are out of the way... (what the?!?) and that the true identity of the father of Anna Nicole's five-month old baby is now in question? WOW! We take it all back! There truly WAS nothing more important happening today!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Poor Cisco Adler. He used to be known around Hollyweird as "That weird-looking guy who once dated Paris Hilton, and is now dating O.C. has-been Mischa Barton." But now? Well, now Cisco Adler's known as "That guy with the weird balls." Here's how the Saga of Adler's Gross Testicles began: When items from Hilton's storage unit were auctioned off, they apparently included a nude picture of Adler—displaying his pair of strangely large and extremely droopy testicles. Then Mischa dumped Cisco, presumably saying: "Eww! I don't want people to know I'm dating someone with those!" But Cisco—who has a distressing lack of shame about his shudder-inducing genitals—has been quick to insist that he and Mischa are back together. "Mischa wasn't too excited, to say the least," Adler admitted to the New York Observer. "So yeah, I'm gonna try to keep my pants on from now on." Trust us, Cisco. We all thank you. Euggh.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10 U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Today Barack Obama officially became The Dreamiest Presidential Candidate Ever™. (You can use that as your campaign slogan, Barack! It's all yours!) Standing on the grounds of the Old State Capitol in Springfield, Illinois—where Abraham Lincoln delivered his "House Divided" speech—Obama admitted, "I know I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington. But I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change." Meanwhile, other presidential wannabes Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Ralph Nader shook their fists futilely in the air, cursing the fact that they are neither well liked, dreamy, nor named "Barack Obama." MEANWHILE... Congressional Democrats continued their depressingly futile crusade against the war in Iraq by threatening to vote for an utterly symbolic, non-binding resolution to end the Iraq War. In other words, it's a resolution that has no impact whatsoever, but lets the Democrats feel like they're doing something. Even though they're not. (Well, okay, they are doing something—they're waiting for Obama to make people stop being embarrassed to be Democrats. But other than that? Yeah. Not much. Solitaire, mostly.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11 In what's possibly the creepiest event this week (well, maybe not—but it's almost as creepy as Cisco Adler's testicles), TMZ.com obtained photos of the late Anna Nicole Smith's fridge. Under the tasteful headline "Anna's Death Fridge," TMZ's photos show the contents of Smith's icebox—which largely consist of Slim Fast and methadone. Also in the fridge: "Miracle 2000 (marketed as a nutritional supplement for 'today's active lifestyle'), French's Worcestershire Sauce, yogurt, and spray butter. It also appears there are vials of injectable medicines." Okay, Anna? First, R.I.P., etc. Second? Spray butter? C'mon, sweetie! We know you weren't the classiest of ladies, but spray butter is about one step up from cheese in a can! And not a very big step! Note to self: Check contents of fridge for embarrassing items before dying. (That bucket of Cool Whip with a spoon stuck in it? Totally Kip's, BTW.)