MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12 Remember last week when we were all fighting over who was going to write the screenplay for Astronaut in Pampers: The Lisa Nowak Story? Well, you can have it—because we're throwing all our eggs in one basket called Anna Nicole Smith. Her death late last week has gone from mysterious and tragic to mysterious and whu...whu... WHAAAA? Not only does she have four men claiming to be the baby-daddy of her five-month-old daughter Dannielynn—most recently her former bodyguard, and a very old creepy prince—there's a huge brouhaha over where Anna Nicole should be buried, as well as her final will, in which everything she owns was supposed to be handed over to her also-dead son Daniel. That, friends, is what's known as a sticky wicket. But it got even stickier today, when Anna Nicole's one-time nanny Quethlie Alexis came forward to claim her employer had tried to kill herself on at least two occasions, and that she was regularly making whoopee with the Bahamian Minister of Immigration, Shane Gibson (presumably to speed up her immigration status). Alexis also made the wild claim that Anna Nicole was an awful mother who had told her to stop feeding Dannielynn so much because she wanted "to make sure that her baby was 'sexy.'" Now, everyone's been making a big deal out of this, but don't all parents want the very best for their children? That's why we're always surprised when we don't see Clinique stations in daycares. (Not only will our kids be more attractive, you're missing out on a bundle of money, people!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Do you hear that rumbling in the distance? No, it's not Mount St. Helens this time... it's coming from farther south, in the general vicinity of Hollyweird... wait. We're picking up strong seismic vibrations... and yes, YES, it's coming from deep inside Britney Spears! And if tonight's shenanigans were any indication, we could witness a HUGE event by as soon as this weekend! After being spotted heaving her guts out at posh hotspot Tejune on Sunday, party princess Britney was hitting it hard again tonight at New York's Club One in Manhattan. Reports vary, but the story most witnesses agree upon was as follows: Britney showed up at the club in an absolutely darling red dress, but quickly tired of it, and began disrobing—in full view of the crowd. Preferring the teeny bikini that one of the club's dancers was wearing, she traded outfits and began cavorting around the club, sexually grinding her nethers against another nearly naked gal. The next day the tabs were filled with reports of Britney's exploits, repeating the rumors that she may in fact be bisexual, and... wait. That's funny. Why are all the birds and animals running in one direction? And why is the ground shaking? OH NO. Head for the hills, people! BRITNEY'S GONNA BLOW!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14 It's Valentine's Day, and while most men were desperately trying to explain why they purchased lingerie that is two sizes too big for their clearly petite wives (nice try, Kip!), Hollyweird hunk Ralph Fiennes was pleasuring a stewardess in an airplane bathroom seven miles above our heads. (Ew. I hope they waited until they got back to Britain to flush.) Qantas airline stewardess Lisa Robertson has been fired from her job, after some fellow employees spotted her sneaking out of the airplane loo with a smirking Fiennes. Naturally, she defended herself: "While conversing with Mr. Fiennes," Robertson explained to her boss, "I expressed a need to go to the toilet. He followed me. I explained that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. He did so." Yeah... we didn't believe her either, and as it turned out, we were right! Because as soon as she got sacked, she ran to Britain's The Daily Mail and told quite a different story: "We went into the toilet and locked the door, and off came much of our clothes," at which point they reportedly had unprotected sex. It is interesting to note, by the way, that the flight was taking Fiennes to India where he was to speak to villagers about AIDS and the dangers of sex without condoms (unless you're at 35,000 feet—apparently the lack of oxygen kills HIV as well as brain cells).
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15 In news of "sports," last week NBA player John Amaechi came out of the closet and proclaimed himself "gay." Today, fellow NBA player Tim Hardaway went on a Miami radio show and made quite a different proclamation. "I hate gay people," Hardaway said, "so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States." Well... at least he's honest. And as long as we're being honest, here's a message for Tim from the rest of us: "The United States IS 'in the world,' you stupid fucking homophobic moron. I guess that makes us 'morono-phobes.'"
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16 So remember on Tuesday, when we said Britney Spears was gonna blow? Well, JUST LIKE WE SAID IT WOULD, it happened! And it happened BIG. Bigger than One Day alone can handle, folks—so from here until the end of the week, we'll be discussing THE FALL OF BRITNEY SPEARS! Our saga begins today, when Extra reported that Britney checked into a foreign rehab center because of her hard-partying ways. But not so fast! Almost immediately afterward, TMZ.com claimed that Brit lasted less than 24 hours in rehab before bailing back to LA. And there's more: According to KABC Los Angeles, upon returning home, Brit decided to get her hair done. "I tried to talk her out of it," insisted Esther Tognozzi, who owns an LA salon. "I said, 'Are you sure you're not having a bad day and tomorrow you'll feel differently about it? Why don't we wait a little bit?' She said, 'No, I absolutely want it shaved off now.' Next thing I know, she grabbed the buzzer and she went to the back of my salon and she was shaving off her own hair." Yes, you read that correctly: Britney Spears is now bald. And there's more!
SATURDAY, FEBURUARY 17 Okay, Britney? Good call. We mean it! Considering how you've been looking lately, shaving your head was an excellent decision: Baldness is so slimming! Just look at Sinead O'Connor! Or Natalie Portman! Or that alien chick in Star Trek! But we digress: After shaving her head, UK tabloid The Sun reports that Spears "drove aimlessly around LA for 40 minutes" before arriving at a tattoo parlor, where, still covered in shaved hair, "she ordered [the] staff to etch a set of pink lips on her wrist and a black, white, and pink cross on her lower hip." (Wait. "A set of pink lips"? EEEEEEEWWWW!) The Sun also notes that Britney was "screaming and flipping out from the pain," while an onlooker claimed Spears explained her actions thusly: "'She basically just said she was tired of having things plugged into her. She didn't want anybody to touch her.'" Okay, Brit? You're not the first girl to be sick of having things plugged into you. (Hi Kip!) But there are other ways to deal, honey! Anyway: After leaving the tattoo parlor, Britters donned a dark wig and paid a 2 am visit to Beverly Hills' Cedars Sinai Medical Center, where she accosted staffers, shouting, "Help me!" before promptly returning home an hour later. And yes, there's even more!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18 But first, an intermission: WTF? Why's Britney going batshit crazy? Well, we'd love to ask her, but we can't—because she's too busy clubbing. Today the multi-millionaire decided to buy the cheapest blonde wig available before hitting a few nightclubs. (Remember that part in E.T. when itty-bitty Drew Barrymore dresses up E.T. in that old lady wig? Yeah. That's Britney's new look. Actually, it might even be the same wig! And did she even ask E.T. before borrowing it? No? That's so like her!) MEANWHILE... Okay. We never, ever thought we'd say this, and we feel kind of dirty just thinking it, but... um... er... well, it's starting to look like K.Fed might've come out on top with this whole divorce thing, huh?