MONDAY, MARCH 5 Here's yet another reason to never, ever fly coach. A Northwest Airlines employee has been arrested for allegedly ejaculating on a woman's back during a flight from Seattle to Minneapolis. According to the report, the off-duty employee sat next to the woman—who requested to remain anonymous for OBVIOUS reasons—and as she tried to sleep, the man "touched her" before quickly leaving. To the poor woman's growing horror, she recognized the sticky feel of male discharge on her back (it really does have a very distinct feeling, doesn't it, girls?), and immediately informed a flight attendant. Upon the flight's arrival, the ejaculator was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault—but just wait until his court date! You know he's going to claim he was just trying to bring "sexy back." MEANWHILE... In other ejaculation news, O.J. Simpson still doesn't realize that he should just shut the hell up and never be heard from again. According to PageSix.com, the former football star/actor/acquitted murderer claimed to a friend that he could possibly be the biological dad of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter. Simpson told the source "he knew Anna Nicole [back in the mid-'90s] and said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father." Oh... wait. We get it. Simpson is making A JOKE. And if your sides aren't already splitting, there's more! Simpson then allegedly said, "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out she's mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money—or the baby itself." GET IT?? See, the reason why that's funny is because Fred Goldman is the father of the man O.J. allegedly murdered. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ohhhh... O.J., here's hoping you get the standup gig you deserve (in a burning lake of fire in hell).
TUESDAY, MARCH 6 We've devoted so much space to Britney lately, we've let other celebrities practically wilt on the vine! They have needs too, you know! So let's see what Jared Leto—of the undeniably awful band 30 Seconds to Mars—has been up to. Oh, no! He broke his beautiful perfect nose? How did that happen? Well, according to his publicist, the formerly dreamy Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life went into the crowd during a concert and was injured "as a result of the crowd rushing toward him in their excitement to be close to him." And if that sounds like the biggest pile of shit you've heard all week, then you're probably right, because the New York Post has a different story. An actual concertgoer claims the broken nose was in actuality due to a stage-diving attempt gone awry. "[Leto] flung himself directly off the stage into the crowd," said the spy, "And nobody caught him. Jared landed really hard on the ground and people were accidentally stepping on him." Accidentally, huh? That's why whenever we go to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert, we "accidentally" wear stilettos.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7 Apparently some comic book nerd killed off Captain America—and since we can't think of any reason why this would be of interest to anyone, let's move along, shall we? Poor, poor conservative loudmouth Ann Coulter. As reported last week in One Day, Ann Coulter submerged herself in the boiling-hot water of public opinion when she joked that presidential nominee John Edwards was a "faggot." And this week? Even her homophobic Republican cohorts are turning against her, along with three newspapers that have dumped her syndicated column. Says the editor of Tennessee's Mountain Press, "We will not continue to publish the columns of someone who uses people as a punch line to get a cheap laugh and who so freely uses an offensive term to describe another human being." Okay... wow. So much for our idea to syndicate One Day at a Time in Tennessee.
THURSDAY, MARCH 8 Meanwhile, in American Idol news (is that a dead giveaway for a slow gossip week, or what?), the beleaguered Antonella Barba finally got her plug pulled and was voted off Idol. You may recall from last week's One Day, that naughty pix of Antonella sitting on a toilet and posing all sexy-like in front of a WWII memorial were springing up like semi-nude flowers on the internet. Add this to the embarrassment of being an awful singer, and you can imagine the predicament Antonella found herself in week after miserable week. Thankfully America eventually tired of the torture and gave her the boot on tonight's episode—but! Don't cry for Antonella! She's already entertaining brand-new and exciting job offers, such as... hosting a Girls Gone Wild DVD? GGW producer and professional douchebag Joe Francis has offered Antonella $250,000 to appear on one of his upcoming DVDs, but that's not all! Porn company SugarDVD has made Antonella a counter offer of $500,000 to become the company's celebrity spokesmodel. Don't be tempted, Antonella! You need a job that befits your true talents. Oh, wait. Hooters doesn't have singing waitresses, do they?
FRIDAY, MARCH 9 Oh, Courtney Love! It's so good to see you again. It's been too long! So... How's Frances Bean? Good, good. And the drug addiction? Oh, that's delightful. Say, speaking of which—Courtney, did you pay your bill from that swanky rehab joint in Newport Beach yet? 'Cause—and mum's the word on this—I heard through the grapevine they just filed a lawsuit to get you to pay up. But you only owe something like $181,286, right? Ha! That's a mere pittance! What's that? Ohhh... sorry, we can't. We're really strapped this month. But here's an idea: Maybe you can dip into Frances Bean's trust fund again! As if she's got any future!
SATURDAY, MARCH 10 Awww. Isn't it adorable when gangstas kiss and make up? Today Snoop Dogg (née "Doggy Dogg") and Sean "Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Puffy/Diddy/Sean John/Puff/Bad Boy" Combs decided to formally end the East Coast/West Coast hiphop feud that's been raging for... well, actually, it's been over for like 10 years, but nobody bothered telling these two. "Everybody has a past, everybody grows up, matures and moves on," the 37-year-old Combs told disinterested reporters in Helsinki, shortly before downing a glass of Metamucil. "And right now our mission is to make people dance and feel good." P. Diddy and Snoop Dogg are launching a joint European tour, formally burying the hatchet of the hiphop feud that took the lives of Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. in the mid-'90s. "[Biggie] is going to be smiling when he sees me and Puff on the stage today," Snoop Dogg claimed. In response, a Finnish journalist pointed out that no one had listened to either Snoop Dogg or P. Diddy since May of 1995, and everyone went home. Blessed are the peacemakers.
SUNDAY, MARCH 11 Hey, remember that guy? That one standup comic guy? He was on Leno one time, and he was... ah... wasn't he Jim Carrey's pal in The Mask or something? Sort of funny? Yeah! That guy! Richard Jeni. Well, he's dead. Shot himself yesterday. Which reminds us: Remember that song? That "More Than a Feeling" song? Who was that? Chicago? No, not them. Ah... Kansas? No.... Oh, right! Boston! Well, the lead singer for Boston is dead, too—he was found dead in his home on Friday. Sheesh—big weekend for semi-celebrity deaths! And isn't there some saying about how bad things happen in threes? Hmmm... SO WHO'S NEXT? Send your prediction for "Next Burned-Out Celebrity Who We Already Thought Was Dead But Now Is Actually Dead" to firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner gets a VHS copy of Jim Carrey's beloved classic The Mask, and a Boston eight-track.