MONDAY, MARCH 12 Look. People can complain about Britney Spears all they want, but what they don't understand is this one simple fact: REHAB IS HARD, Y'ALL! (That would make a great T-shirt, wouldn't it? Dibs!) This week, the tabs were all aflutter about BS kicking up a stink during her stay at the Promises Rehabilitation Center. "Britney has a seriously bad attitude problem," an insidery snoop told Star magazine. "She's been very demanding, acts like a 12-year-old and throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants." The word is that Promises makes incredibly unreasonable demands upon their patients, such as waking up at 7 am, and making their own bed. What is this place? A Russian gulag? Regardless, while Britney is perhaps incorrectly diagnosing her condition as "post-partum depression," others are chalking up her condition to being addicted to hooch and/or blow—and her sweet tooth is giving her away. "Usually when a patient eats [a lot of] sugar," says the insider, "it means that they are coming down from a drug that kept them really up, like cocaine or speed. [Britney] has been drinking tons of Coca-Cola—about two cases a day, or 24 Cokes in 24 hours." Ho-lee CRAP. But maybe we're jumping to conclusions... when it comes to corporate sponsorships, maybe Coke is choosing to plaster their name on rehab patients instead of NASCAR drivers.

TUESDAY, MARCH 13 Though we loathe to give any extra ink to American Idol, when extreme humiliation like this is involved—really, what other choice do we have? Former AI contestant Mario Vasquez has been accused of sexually harassing a male employee on the set, by masturbating in front of him in a bathroom. According to Magdaleno Olmos—an assistant accountant for the show's production company—Vasquez followed him to the restroom, knocked on Olmos' stall, and "smiled lasciviously... [making] eye contact through the space in the stall door." On three, everyone. 1... 2... 3... EW! But don't fret—it gets "ew"ier. Olmos went on to accuse Vasquez of "standing in front of him with his pants down masturbating," before asking him "if he wanted oral sex." Unfathomably, Olmos turned down this near-irresistible offer, and beat a hasty retreat—but here's the best part! Vasquez allegedly called after the fleeing assistant accountant, begging him to come back as he "stood in the bathroom with his pants still down." Could this scenario get any more embarrassing? Sure. If Vasquez were singing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14 Here's something annoying: alleged 9/11 "masterminds" who won't shut up about how great they think they are. Today government officials put the screws to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed—the terrorist whose picture looks like a pizza cook just roused from a Nyquil-induced coma—and apparently he had a lot to say. Mohammed blabbed on and on for hours about how he was personally "responsible" for a laundry list of terrorist actions throughout the world including, but not limited to: the attacks on 9/11, the 1993 World Trade Center explosion that killed six and injured more than 1,000, the Bali nightclub bombing, the plot to assassinate Pope John Paul II, as well as the beheading of American journalist Daniel Pearl ("I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew," he allegedly said). But that was just the tip of the iceberg for this rambling braggadocio, who went on to claim responsibility for events that haven't yet occurred, such as planned attacks on the Sears Tower in Chicago, the Empire State Building, the New York Stock Exchange, the Panama Canal, and even London's Big Ben. Naturally, officials think that a large portion of this confession is a pile of poo-poo, but one question still remains: Someone still needs to take responsibility for Michael Jackson's plastic surgery—and if Mohammed's not going to do it, then who?

THURSDAY, MARCH 15 While Portlanders may not have a lot of celebrities to gossip about, the one we do have—Tonya Harding—is a bona fide doozy. You remember Tonya for her part in a 1994 conspiracy to whack the knee and take out fellow Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, right? Well, Tonya made the news again today for a bizarre, medicated call to the cops. According to the Oregonian, Tonya called Clark County sheriff's deputies at 4:56 am on Sunday claiming that four men and a woman tried to steal her car and attempted to stash rifles on her property. After taking her statement, the deputy wrote that Harding's story was "very implausible," and that she was extremely "agitated" and "glancing everywhere." Later that same day, at 9 am, the cops got a second call from one of Tonya's friends, who claimed the former Olympian was "tweaking out, seeing animals." (WOW. Yet another great T-shirt slogan. Again, dibs!) Luckily for everyone involved, "seeing animals" isn't a crime (YET!), and the police took her back to her trailer in Clark County, advising her to seek medical attention. From a doctor. Not animals.

FRIDAY, MARCH 16 Rest in peace, Sinbad. We hardly knew ye—though you brought us so much joy! Remember that time you played a wacky conman who crashed with an uptight Phil Hartman in Houseguest? Or that time you played a wacky dad alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Christmas classic Jingle All the Way? But now, according to Wikipedia.com, a heart attack has taken you from us, far too soon... oh, wait. Never mind. "For the record, Sinbad is healthy, well, alive, and enjoying life!" says Sinbad's sister, Donna Adkins! Turns out somebody lied on the not-so-reliable Wikipedia—at which point the story got spread over email, leading to "widespread mourning," according to cnetnews.com. Who'd have ever thought the funniest thing Sinbad could do was supposedly die and cause "widespread mourning"?

SATURDAY, MARCH 17 Execs for the E! channel have announced plans for the fifth season of The Simple Life, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton's reality show—and this time around, the girls are serving as camp counselors, according to E! (See where this is going? No? Hang tight, then.) "The camp has five different themes. Each week will be a different theme." (See where this is going now? Here it comes...) "And yes, one week is a weight loss/fitness camp. But it's not a fat camp." (Ta-DA!) Yes, dear readers: Nicole Richie will be counseling others about weight loss. Huh. Weird. For some reason, we just got this mental image of a bunch of fish, swimming in a barrel, along with the thought of how easy it must be to shoot them. How odd.

SUNDAY, MARCH 18 Today results from a CNN poll about the Iraq War were announced, revealing that while 83 percent of Americans expressed confidence in the war at its outset, a mere 35 percent are still on board with the conflict. And that means... ah... carry the two... divide by the square root of x... subtract pi.... Um, whatevs. Anyway, there were a bunch of anti-war protests today in Portland, San Francisco, New York, and Los Angeles, and guess what? Portland was by far the largest of the marches, according to the Washington Post, with an estimated 10,000-15,000 people marching through downtown. Famous hippie/actor Tim Robbins spoke to New York's meager 1,000 protesters, noting that "The American people want this war to end. That's the message they sent last November in the election. When are we going to start listening to them?" Good question, Tim! Here's one for you: How about coming to Portland next time? We had 15,000 protesters. What? Hippies can't add?