MONDAY, MARCH 26 Here's the trouble with rehab... people actually stop drinking and snorting cocaine! Which is fine if you're not a celebrity, but if you ARE a celebrity, it kind of screws up gabby gossip columns like ours when you aren't exposing your vaheena while unconscious, facedown in a pile of blow. Example: You know what happened to Lindsay Lohan this week? NOTHING. In fact, the biggest post-rehab gossip of the week is Britney Spears rushing to the emergency room... for "an undisclosed oral hygiene issue"?! Okay, we hope that means she had a toothache... otherwise, as you know, our imagination tends to run a little wild. (Well, at least she probably got some morphine out of the deal.) MEANWHILE... Remember when everyone was reporting that Anna Nicole Smith died without any drugs in her system? Well, that statement is still correct if you take the "out" out of "without." The results are back from Anna Nicole's autopsy report, and there was not a single drug in her system... and that's because there were NINE drugs in her system. These included the sleeping medication chloral hydrate and a minimum of eight prescription drugs. But the coroner didn't stop there! He also made copious notes regarding all of Anna's tattoos (including a combo tat that depicted Christ's head on a naked woman's torso), as well as the condition of her finger and toenails (both "clean") and most surprisingly, her anus, which the doctor classified as "unremarkable." That is a shocker. We were totally expecting her anus to pucker up and say, "Howard K. Stern killed meeeeeeeee...." Howard, we apologize for ever doubting you.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27 SEX. It's all kids want to talk about these days, so who are we to deny them? In sex news of the "gross," the production crew of upcoming film The Winter of Frozen Dreams got more than they bargained for on the set when the father of actress Thora Birch (Ghost World, American Beauty) demanded to watch his daughter perform a graphic sex scene—and critique it. Picture this if you will: Daddy Jack Birch—who has been said to "look like Charles Manson" in a "full-length leather coat and wraparound sunglasses"—allegedly kicked in the door of the closed set, and threatened to kill the assistant directors if they didn't let him watch his daughter make faux love with co-star Dean Winters. "It was so wrong," one insider sagely noted. "The director is saying, 'Harder! Faster!' and the father's giving Winters the thumbs up." Why are these people complaining? We couldn't even get our father to attend our fourth grade play! MEANWHILE... From the Department of Too Much Information, Sean "Puff 'n' Diddy" Combs recently shared some of his sexual exploits with the London Mirror, bragging of his meticulous talents in the boudoir with gal-pal Kim Porter while in Paris. "We went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours... as meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with my lovemaking." Wow. Where do we start. So does "tantric sex" mean six minutes of coitus followed by an argument over what to have for dinner, eating some boxed macaroni, falling asleep in front of the TV, waking up late for work, rushing to the office and then surfing the internet gossip sites for the remaining portion of that 30 hours? If so, hubby Kip and I have "tantric sex" all the time.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28 There are certain things no human being should ever be forced to witness, and topping that list should be "Karl Rove rapping." The scene was the annual Radio and Television Correspondents dinner, attended by a number of Washington's movers and shakers including President Bush and his political advisor/staff ventriloquist, Karl Rove. Comedian(?) Brad Sherwood invited the political guru onstage and performed a "rap" number—or whatever you call it when white people appropriate black culture in a tuneless, embarrassing musical fashion—with Rove occasionally chiming in by calling himself "MC Rove." Though you can judge the success of this routine for yourself (via YouTube), we REALLY didn't like it. In fact, we hated Rove's rap SO MUCH it's tempting to say it was worse than the Holocaust. But we all know that couldn't possibly be true—because listening to Karl Rove rap is worse than back-to-back Holocausts with Hurricane Katrina and a tsunami on the side.

THURSDAY, MARCH 29 Could Paris Hilton be heading to jail? Oh, please, please, please, please, PLEASE! The socialite/porn actress fell into some deep poo-poo today when Los Angeles prosecutors vowed to convince a judge to revoke Hilton's probation after being cited for reckless driving—which could lead to PARIS IN PRISON. Though Paris claims she didn't know it at the time, her license was suspended when she was pulled over for speeding down Sunset Boulevard with her lights off on February 28. If a judge agrees with the prosecutors, Paris could be looking at 90 days in jail. OMG! This is going to be the best reality show, like, EVER! (Can Lindsay Lohan be the warden?)

FRIDAY, MARCH 30 "Everyone can do their bit [to help the environment]," John Travolta told reporters at the British premiere of his film Wild Hogs. By the way, did you know that Travolta owns no less than five private planes, and keeps them at his house, alongside his private runway? "But I don't know if it's not too late already," Travolta mused. "We have to think about alternative methods of fuel." Oh, and did we mention Travolta arrived at the premiere by riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle down the red carpet? "It [global warming] is a very valid issue," Travolta said, before adding his own suggestion to environmental issues: "I'm wondering if we need to think about other planets and dome cities." Wait... Whaaa? But Travolta's Scientology Overlord, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, agreed. "Yes!" Klaktu proclaimed. "My Emissary—known to some of you as 'Vinnie Barbarino'—hath spoken! Other planets! Dome cities! Feeble Earthlings, witness the domed metropolises upon the Farandar Moons, where the horned Faradarians live in perfect domed comfort! And when Thetans are banished from the galaxy and Dark Lord L. Ron Hubbard reigns supreme, it shall be Travolta, Scientology's Second-Favorite Son, who shall rule Farandar's domed cities, with an iron fist! Hail domed cities! Hail other planets! Hail Lord L. Ron! Hail Wild Hogs!"

SATURDAY, MARCH 31 Oh, those crazy kids at Nickelodeon! Always with their wacky cartoons, their happy-go-lucky laughs, their dumping of slime on people, and their gang shootings. Yep! After the Justin Timberlake-hosted Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards tonight, about 200 attendees went to a party—and at least three of them were wounded in a suspected gang shooting. Officials have yet to make any arrests, though SpongeBob SquarePants has been declared a "person of interest."

SUNDAY, APRIL 1 "The American people believe English should be the official language of the government," possible GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich declared today to the National Federation of Republican Women. "We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto." While Gingrich's racist statements were greeted with cheers from the Republican women, others weren't so enthused—like the Hispanic Education Coalition's Peter Zamora, who responded to Gingrich's "very hateful" speech by pointing out that "Spanish is spoken by many individuals who do not live in the ghetto." After learning that he may have offended certain people with his comments, Gingrich vowed to expand his close-minded way of thinking and "walk a mile in another man's shoes." That's why he'll be joining Karl Rove for this summer's "Rapping Republicans" tour.