MONDAY, APRIL 16 In a truly crappy way to start off any week, a gunman on the campus of Virginia Tech shot and killed 32 people before turning the gun on himself. And while the rest of America struggled to understand the complexities of such a despicable, mind-boggling crime, President Bush briskly summed it all up simply as weird behavior—the same kind the terrorists use, or children on the internet. While speaking to an audience in Ohio about his "war on terror," Bush linked the Virginia murders to terrorism. "One of the lessons of these tragedies," Bush opined, "is to make sure that when people see somebody or know somebody who is exhibiting abnormal behavior, you do something about it, to suggest that somebody take a look." Yeah, kind of like the way Osama bin Laden was engaging in "abnormal behavior" before 9/11. But sometimes kids can be terrorists or mass murderers, too! Bush continued, "If you are a parent and your child is, you know, doing strange things on the internet, pay attention to it and not be afraid to say, 'I am concerned about what I'm seeing.'" On the same subject, if you happen to see... say... a president leading the country into a stupid and totally unjustifiable war, then for God's sake, speak up. If nothing else, tell a parent or a high school guidance counselor.
TUESDAY, APRIL 17 Speaking of crimes against humanity, the nation gave a collective finger-wag and "tsk-tsk-tsk" to American Idol judge Simon Cowell today for allegedly rolling his eyes after a contestant gave a shout out to the victims of the Virginia Tech tragedy. It was "Hillbilly Song" night on AI, and contestant Chris Richardson had just finished an inexplicably nasally song, which was pooh-poohed by Simon for being... surprise... too nasally. They argued a bit about it, after which Chris sent his well wishes to his friends at Virginia Tech. The camera cuts to Simon, who was seen rolling his eyes, causing America to cry "blasphemy!" However, as it turned out, Simon was saved from the gallows of public opinion when unedited tapes showed the universally loathed judge was actually rolling his eyes in response to co-judge Paula Abdul. Meanwhile, a further examination of the tape revealed that everyone in America was rolling their eyes in response to Richardson's blatant attempt at milking sympathy from the voters at home. On the upside, Sanjaya finally got voted off! YAY!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18 There are crimes against humanity, and then there are misdemeanors against humanity—this is one of those: Someone has hacked into Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page and printed her private messages on the internet! And we would be very, very angry about this blatant invasion of privacy, if it weren't so very, very funny! One of the best messages involves LiLo, porn star/socialite Paris Hilton, and interweb gossip hound Perez Hilton (no relation). In this exchange, Lindy has accused Paris of leaking gossip to Perez, and Paris defends herself. Let's join the fun! (Spelling and grammatical errors are left hilariously intact.) PARIS: "i have nothing against you, well i had nothing against you. But your bi polar ass starts drama like this and gives me reasons against you. me & perez arent on any fucking team, im not associated with his blog in anyway." LINDSAY RESPONDS: "FUCK YOU cunt! i know u chill with perez... u guys use eachother like tampons. i hate that fat fuck, and i know u had something to do with [his] story. god knows what u 2 have against me, but i wont sit here and pretend like we are friends. this shits so old, i get headaches. go suck [your manager's] dick." PARIS RESPONDS: "i dont even talk to perez so nice try with the accusation. lesbo." Ohhhh, yes. When people ask us how we know there's a God? We'll just show them this.
THURSDAY, APRIL 19 Fact: The internet is the greatest thing to happen to gossip columns since the advent of herpes. Today one of the most beloved celebrity figures of the Democratic party, actor Alec Baldwin, was taken down a few pegs after TMZ.com released a voicemail in which he verbally berates his 11-year-old daughter. And we mean REALLY berates her. As you know, Baldwin's marriage to actress Kim Basinger ended horribly, and they're still fighting like rabid cats and dogs—and naturally, the daughter is stuck right in the middle. Here's an excerpt of Alec's message to the pre-teen who apparently stood him up for a daddy-daughter date. "You've made me feel like SHIT and you've made me feel LIKE A FOOL... OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I am gonna get on a plane, and I am gonna STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT when I see you! Do you understand me? So you better be ready to meet with me! Cause I am gonna let you know just how I feel about what a RUDE LITTLE PIG you really are. You are a RUDE, THOUGHTLESS little pig!" Now ordinarily, we would be really upset about a father saying something like that to an 11-year-old girl—except for the fact she got off EASY. (Our daddy said the exact same thing to us... except substitute the word "pig" with "whore." Sob... we HATE you, daddy. HATE YOU!!)
FRIDAY, APRIL 20 Oh, Britney. We know things aren't going that well, dear. There was that baby-dropping, that weight gain, that divorce from Kevin, those parties with Paris and Lindsay, that head-shaving, that attacking of paparazzi with an umbrella, and that rehab. So who should we blame? Your manager, Larry Rudolph, of course! Dear, you were totally, totally right to both blame and fire him, no matter what your father says. "The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter's statements about him over the past few weeks," papa Jamie Spears told The New York Post today. "Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him." Just ignore him, Brit. At least you're not Alec Baldwin's kid. MEANWHILE... Today brought the usual old, boring comments from Bill Clinton... says his wife would be "the best president by a long stretch"... zzz ... says the Democrats' candidates "are gifted people and deserve to be listened to"... zzzzz ... notes that "Vice President Gore might run"... zzzzzz—wait! What?!
SATURDAY, APRIL 21 Okay, so Gore is so totally running for president! (Again.) Today the Daily Telegraph reported "former strategists are sounding out a shadow team that could run [Gore's] campaign at short notice." MEANWHILE... Turns out we've done a really good job training Iraqi police—this according to The New York Times, which reported on how Iraqi security officers recently interrogated three insurgents: "Iraqi soldiers had beaten one of them in front of the other two... The stripes on the detainee's back appeared to be the product of a whipping with electrical cable... They were proud of their technique and proud to have helped the Americans." Ahh, they grow up so fast, don't they? Before you know it, they'll be Abu Ghraibing all on their own!
SUNDAY, APRIL 22 Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the couple of the year: Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline. Believe it or not, it's terrifyingly true: K. Fed and P. Hil were seen doin' a little bit of the bump 'n' grind in Vegas, no doubt exchanging enough Cheetos crumbs, STDs, and catty Britney comments to fill this gossip page for a year. Okay, all together now: Uh, gross! MEANWHILE... According to Gore spokesperson Kalee Kreider, "There is not a secret campaign operation in Nashville or any other part of the country to mobilize a [Gore presidential] campaign." Oh. Never mind, then. MEANWHILE... Hold on, Kalee! That's hardly an out-and-out denial, is it? Truth be told, you might just be admitting that the "campaign operation" isn't a secret anymore, right? Why won't you just admit you're all sorts of excited to see a Gore/Obama ticket in 2008? WHY WON'T YOU, KALEE? WHY WON'T YOU?!