MONDAY, APRIL 30 If the trend continues, 2007 will be the year of the apology. Mel Gibson apologized, Kramer apologized, Isaiah Washington apologized, Don Imus apologized (but will probably be suing CBS radio anyway for wrongful dismissal), Alec Baldwin kinda apologized, and this week? It's our old pal David "Don't Hassel the Hoff" Hasselhoff, spouting mea culpas for getting crap-faced drunk in a video that's making the rounds on TV tabloid shows. The video, allegedly filmed three months ago, and shot by his 16-year-old daughter, depicts the Hoff lying on the floor shirtless, and unsuccessfully trying to eat a hamburger. (We're pretty sure this video is the real thing, and not a commercial for Carl's Jr.) When his daughter asks the lushy Hoff why he continues to get drunk, he responded, "'Cause I'm lonely. I have trouble in my life." Of course, it sounded more like this: "Cushilowly... Mumiffrubbleimily. Hic!" Apparently, the Hoff asked his daughter to videotape him whenever he got this stinko, so he could he could view the carnage for himself—but had no idea it would get plastered all over the internet. He blames his ex-wife Pamela Bach for the leak, and according to E! News, "He is going to an exorcist for guidance." This infuriated Satan, who responded, "Oh, that's right! BLAME ME! I give you Baywatch, make you huge in Germany, and this is how I'm thanked??"
TUESDAY, MAY 1 In a move that surprised no one, President Bush vetoed a bill today that would've continued to fund the war in Iraq—on the condition he would begin withdrawing US troops by October. Bush claimed to be in favor of the "receiving $124 billion" part of the bill that would continue to make a fucking mess out of the situation in Iraq, but he didn't like the part where we bring troops home early—since they're helping maintain the aforementioned fucking mess. "Setting a deadline for withdrawal is setting a deadline for failure," said the prez, "and that would be irresponsible." Two things wrong with that statement: (1) The failure of this war occurred about the same time President Bush declared, "mission accomplished." And (2) "irresponsible" is being a thick-headed Texan hayseed-chewing dolt who has screwed up a situation way past the point of repair, and yet still remains stubbornly attached to a mission that has only been accomplished in the sense that it's an abject, undeniable failure. How about we return to the bargaining table with a new deal: You don't get $124 billion, the troops come home now, and you get impeached? We're liking the sound of that plan.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 2 Let the bells ring and the confetti fall, Britney Spears is on the comeback trail! Okay, she's not exactly on the trail... it's more like she's lacing up her shoes, and doing some necessary stretching before she gets on the trail! According to various gossip sites, Brit has been sneaking onto stages in California, and busting out a few choice tunes and dance moves before scuttling back underneath her post-rehab rock. Wearing either a blonde or brunette wig (depending on which night you saw her) a pink bra and a shorty short skirt, Brit reportedly mimed a 20-minute set of songs for an enthusiastic audience that paid $125 per ticket. (By the way, we'll be at Chopsticks singing "Baby One More Time" next weekend, and we're only charging $75 a pop. Our bra is blue.)
THURSDAY, MAY 3 Okay everybody, listen up: Lindsay Lohan wants to be taken seriously—got that? And not "seriously" as in a serious addiction to attention and alcohol, either! She's a serious actress, and demands to be treated as such. Her new movie is called I Know Who Killed Me, and as she recently told reporters, "I wanted to do this movie so people can see that I'm a fucking actress and I've been doing it forever and it's about time people see that. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be known for more than, like, going out. For being the 'party girl.' I hate that." IN A CRUELLY RELATED STORY... The New York Post is reporting that there is some video footage of LiLo doing something really shocking. "We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing," says the NYP, "but if it's true, it won't sit well with her younger fans." Hmmm... why would her younger fans care if she got caught getting an Academy Award nomination?
FRIDAY, MAY 4 Ooooh, boy! Reading like the plot of a thousand "women behind bars" movies, today Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for "violation of the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case." "I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything," Paris lied to Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer before he cruelly sentenced her. "I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all." Turning a deaf ear to Paris' pleas, Sauer then ordered that the corrections facility be immediately outfitted with night vision cameras.
SATURDAY, MAY 5 Finally, the day we've all been waiting for! Thoroughbred racehorse Street Sense won the Kentucky Derby today! With stands filled with multi-billionaires and their trophy wives wearing fantastically elaborate hats, even Queen Elizabeth was on hand to cheer Street Sense on! Oh, the excitement! Oh, the 'roided-up horses! Oh, those freakish wee munchkins riding them! Oh, what's that? There was a tornado today? It destroyed 95 percent of an entire town in Kansas? At least nine people were killed? Oh. As if the roar of nature's wrath could drown out the delicate clinking of wine flutes! Oh, hooray for Street Sense! Hooray for the Kentucky Derby! Hooray for those gorgeous, ostentatious hats!
SUNDAY, MAY 6 So... HAS THE SUSPENSE (or a tornado) KILLED YOU YET? Have you figured out what Lindsay Lohan was doing on Thursday? Well, we hope not, because here it is! Today the British tabloid News of the World reported that Linds—who's been out of rehab for less than a month—took part in a "marathon cocaine binge," snorting no less than "20 lines of cocaine in one night." One blabbermouthed friend of LiLo's stated that "She was still up doing drugs at 11 am even though she had started about 8 pm the night before," adding that, "In an average night Lindsay will do two and a half grams of coke on her own." Reportedly, Lohan shoved cocaine up a friend's nose "before snorting some up her own" in a toilet stall (or, as those Brits so charmingly call it, a "loo") and then proclaimed "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law." So: Okay. First, we all know that British people lie. A lot. So some of this story? Might not be true. Let's turn down that limey exaggeration to what the facts probably are: Lindsay only did 10 lines of coke in the loo. Also, she probably only does a gram and a half of coke on her own each night—two, tops. And third—well, okay. We believe you, Linds. You probably did sleep with Jude Law. And while we may not take you seriously as an actress, boinking Jude Law is something every girl takes seriously.