MONDAY, MAY 7 America is rejoicing this week, and why not? PARIS HILTON IS GOING TO JAIL. Yes, we know it's in bad taste to celebrate the misfortunes of others, but when the misfortunes happen to Paris? All bets are off! However, there are those who inexplicably would prefer to keep Paris out of the slammer. (Maybe they belong to the Taliban?) Apparently Paris' friend Joshua took it upon himself to create an online petition entitled (creatively enough) "Free Paris Hilton." Yes, nothing throws the Supreme Court into a panic like an online petition, and this one really wows with its convoluted and twisted logic. Addressed to the Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger—what a funny world we live in, huh?—the petition claims that "the American public who support Paris are shocked, dismayed, and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that drunk driving is wrong. She provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives." OH, YES! If it weren't for Paris' enchanting beauty, we surely would've perished from ennui years ago. But here's the best part: "If the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well." You hear that, Governor Schwarzenegger? In fact, you should not only pardon her, but actually absolve her of any future crimes as well! Her "beauty and excitement" demands it!
TUESDAY, MAY 8 While he may have spent the last few months polishing his abysmal reputation, it's amazing how quickly Kevin Federline can go from "father of the year" back to "douchebag of the century." First up, remember how Britney reportedly had a rehab fling with musician Howie Day? Well, when Kevin found out, he was quick to step in with a burn. "I guess you have to head to the dump to find trash," snapped Federline (AKA the last pot who should be calling a kettle black). It was also reported today that Kevin was making quite a horse's ass out of himself at the Kentucky Derby. (GET IT?? Don't steal that joke—it's copyrighted.) At a Derby afterparty, K.Fed was escorted to a VIP table that he considered to be far too small for his needs. "Yo, I need a bigger table," he barked at the organizers, "I got six bitches with me." Think that's romantic? Later on he hijacked the microphone to give some incredibly pressing "shout-outs" to the hot girls of Kentucky, yelling, "I got four kids already—which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?" While no one rushed to take him up on his offer, he shouldn't be disappointed—most of these girls had already been impregnated by their cousins.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9 You know, for a few scant seconds, we actually considered signing the petition to "Free Paris Hilton." After all, as a gossip columnist, it does us absolutely no good for Paris to spend 45 days in the slammer, when she could be out getting loaded, making porno tapes, fighting with Lindsay Lohan, making fun of homeless/homosexual/black people, and causing random, assorted mayhem. BUT THEN SHE HAS TO GO AND DO THIS: Only days after being sentenced by a judge for intoxicated driving with a suspended license, guess what she was photographed doing? Why, she was DRIVING. Apparently Paris thinks she was only suspended from drinking and driving. As her petition says, though, that's clearly just another one of her "honest mistakes."
THURSDAY, MAY 10 Remember the inspirational Jared Fogel, who dropped a ton of ugly fat after eating only Subway sandwiches? Well, according to a report from Best Week Ever's website, Jared had another business before signing up as a Subway spokesman: renting pornos to his college friends. A source for the site who knew Jared back in his college days says the former porker ran a brisk X-rated video rental service out of his dorm room, charging only a dollar a day per rental. (Hubby Kip says that's a sweet deal.) What's more, rather than being motivated by health concerns, as Jared once claimed, the source says the real reason Jared ate all those Subway sandwiches was out of pure laziness. The sandwich shop had opened up a franchise in the lobby of Jared's dorm, making Subway the most convenient place for him to chow down, and quickly return to renting titles such as Hot Pepperoni Surprise. Wait... isn't that a Subway sandwich?
FRIDAY, MAY 11 Ohhhh, you knew it was just too good to last. Despite being sentenced to 45 days in jail, today it was announced that it's likely Paris Hilton will serve far less than that—in fact, she might only spend a few hours in the slammer. "It's possible that it could only be 21 days... 23 days. It's a complicated formula that the state sets down. It's possible that she could do less time," due to "overcrowding" and "good behavior," said the LA sheriff spokesman Steve Whitmore, who put up a valiant struggle not to wink and/or waggle his eyebrows when he said "good behavior." (Are those night vision cameras installed yet, or what?!?)
SATURDAY, MAY 12 The news spread today like wildfire throughout America's nursing home newsletters: iPods kill old people! The nation's oldest retirement home circular, the Willamette Week, broke the news that when held next to a bluehair's chest for 5-10 seconds, an iPod's "electrical interference" can possibly mess with a pacemaker's rhythm. Many Werther's candies were gummed to calm the anxious nerves of the nation's elderly, who then asked what, exactly, these terrifying "eye bods" were. To further soothe their frazzled nerves, they then demanded that the orderlies put on some Matlock VHS tapes, and loudly wondered why their children can't use those newfangled electrical portable telephones to call them more often.
SUNDAY, MAY 13 So. Iraq. Since everybody in America kind of wants us to leave, and everybody in Iraq kind of wants us to leave, maybe we should, you know... leave? Well, not according to presidential wannabe "Ramblin'" John McCain, who appeared today on Meet the Press. When interviewer Tim Russert asked why America couldn't leave—considering that both "the duly elected people's bodies, the US Congress, and the Iraqi parliament, say they want a troop withdrawal"—McCain bewilderingly responded by second-guessing Iraqis' desires ("the Iraqi government obviously doesn't feel that way"), challenging the authenticity of Iraq's parliament ("there is a certain amount of domestic political calculations involved in what the Iraqi, quote, 'parliament' said"), reminding us no less than three times of his military service ("I understand how democracies work. I saw it in Vietnam. I saw it in Vietnam. And I saw it in Vietnam, the predictions... that everything would be a worker's paradise in Vietnam if we left. And thousands were executed and millions went to re-education camps"), and then utilizing a classic President Bush maneuver by insisting that if we leave, we'll all be immediately slaughtered by the a-Q word ("considering the influence of al-Qaeda... you will see enormous destabilization in the region"). For the grand finale, he then insisted, "political calculations should not enter into any information or position that I take on an issue of national security." Wait... WHAT?! Tim Russert might have gotten to the bottom of McCain's insanely unstable assertions had his head not exploded.