MONDAY, AUGUST 8 Look. We're sorry about Jennifer Aniston and all... but when it comes to creating a genetically perfect baby with former hubby Brad Pitt... her nose is just way too big. Enter the home-wrecking genetically enhanced lips of Angelina Jolie—who, according to the wagging tongues of Hollyweird, has already been impregnated with high quality Pitt sperm. This shocking news tops last week's shocking news regarding Jolie moving into the Pitt mansion—which is only a scant 20-minute drive from a seething, jilted Aniston. And can you imagine the fur that's going to fly when Jennifer is in the grocery store and sees Angelina pushing a stroller brimming with Cambodian adoptees AND the most genetically perfect baby in the world? "Attention: Catfight in aisle three! Better bring a mop!" Meanwhile... Mentally teetering teen film star Lindsay Lohan is still convinced she can make it big in the world of music—so will someone please tell her that penning a song about her deadbeat dad is NOT the way to do it? According to the Daily News, Lohan has turned her psycho family life into an upbeat, disco number you can dance to. Says a snoopy spy, "[the song] is the story of a girl crying to her father, asking him why he did all this to the family, and more so, to her." If we know Lindsay Lohan's trouble-making pop, he'll be penning a response song that will probably be the story of a father who loves his daughter very much, but can't understand why she won't loan him $20,000 for that gastric bypass surgery.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 9 What's the average literate Guantanamo Bay detainee reading these days? Surprisingly, suspected terrorists have a lot in common with your nerdy nephew, because according to the prison librarian, "Harry Potter is a popular title among some of the detainee population. We have Harry Potter in four languages... but do not have books five and six at this time." That's probably because the guards flushed five and six down the toilet (along with the Koran) while interrogating the prisoners. So unless these prisoners start talking, they'll never find out if the death eaters destroyed the Order of the Phoenix! Meanwhile... Gorgeous Scarlett Johansson broke our collective hearts this week, when she announced she NEVER had sex with Benicio Del Toro in an elevator. The rumor sprouted back in 2003 when the two were reportedly seen drunkenly leaving an awards ceremony together, and groping each other within an inch of their lives in the elevator at the posh Chateau Marmont Hotel. However, now that she's dating hunky Josh Hartnett, she's suddenly speaking up about the incident, claiming that it never happened and subsequently ruining one of the greatest Hollywood rumors ever! Look, Scarlett! Josh should be THRILLED to share the same vagina with Benicio—wait. That didn't come out right.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10 Remember actor Matt LeBlanc? The dumb, gorgeous one from Friends? No, that's Jennifer Aniston. We're talking about "Joey" who just got publicly busted getting a lap dance from a well-endowed stripper while out on a wild night with the boys. And following in the footsteps of nanny-porking Jude Law, LeBlanc has issued a public apology to his wife and baby daughter—who responded by crapping her diaper. Yet while Matt may be willing to apologize, he doesn't seem quite ready to take responsibility for what happened. "[The stripper] was all over me," Matt blustered. "I was drinking and she was crossing the line strippers shouldn't normally cross. She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me, grabbing my hands to go all over her body. She was telling me to caress her and in my head I'm thinking, 'What's going on?'" Yeah! What IS going on with this stripper, forcing Matt to give her a wad of cash, and then riding his helpless crotch for 10 minutes? Sorry, Matt, but that retarded act only works in reruns of Friends.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11 What kind of world do we live in, where even the Michael Jackson jury can't seem to get along? After two of the jurors—Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman—recently recanted their verdict (who are also, coincidentally, currently writing a book regarding their experience), the rest of the jury have decided to bitch slap back. "They should be ashamed of themselves," scolded former MJ juror Susan Rentschler. "They are giving juries a bad name." But according to Cook, it's the other 10 jurors who should be crying tears of remorse. "They ought to be ashamed," she snapped back. "They're the ones who let a pedophile go." Please, people! There's only one way to settle this spat: Reconvene, while letting Michael Jackson baby-sit the jurors' children for one month. We're guessing they'll come to an agreement pretty quick.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12 Amber Frey, who parlayed her affair with murderer Scott Peterson into a cheap run of fame that made Marla Maples look like a shrinking violet of chaste womanhood, is now dedicating herself to helping others—by teaching a class. "I feel there's something I have to share and I feel almost like I need to," says Frey. "There are so many women who can relate. They're questioning how I got through this to where I am today." We know! Who can't relate to Amber Frey? Her experiences are universal. She is such a sister to ALL women. The class, offered at The Learning Annex in San Francisco, costs $19.99. Twenty bucks? Please. How long can it take to write: "Don't fuck married homicidal sociopaths," on the blackboard?
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13 More bad news for Scarlett Johansson. First she remembers that she didn't boink Benicio, which has got to be just devastating. Now she's being blamed for the failure of Michael Bay clone dud The Island. The movie's producers Walter Parkes and his snarky wifey-poo Laurie have posted a snotty attack of Scarlett and co-star Ewan McGregor on their website. It turns out that it wasn't the crappy script, crappy directing, or leaked plot that caused The Island to crash and burn, it was the ACTING. Acting, as everyone knows, is an essential component of the summer sci-fi flick. But the producers claim that Scarlett and Ewan just weren't even trying. Scarlett, honey, you need to put a stop to all this slander before it hurts your career. Here's what you do. You issue another statement to the press clarifying once and for all that you did boink the life out of Benicio. Nothing deflects the truth like good ol' fashioned gossip.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14 First we lose the pope, now Julia Roberts is giving up acting. Just giving it up, like a frayed old bra that you stuff into the bottom of a paper grocery bag and send off to Goodwill. And why? Danny and the twins, naturally. Because Lord knows that their well-being is more important than the happiness of every other person in the world. Wouldn't want Danny and the twins to have a moment alone, a second where their emotional state might waver, now would we? They must be content and taken care of AT ALL TIMES. And what final opus will Julia toss our way? She plans to appear next March on Broadway. Well, that's just great for those of us who don't live in Manhattan, isn't it? Hey, no worries. We'll be fine. As long as precious little Hazel and Phinnaeus are happy.