MONDAY, AUGUST 15 You know Britney Spears' baby is due in less than a month, right? And she STILL hasn't decided on a name yet (So far the choices are "Charlie," "June," and "Preston." Eww!). Even worse, they STILL don't know if it's a boy, a girl, or twins. Look, Britney and Kevin need to stop smoking cigarettes and eating Cheetos and get on the stick! Don't just sit there! You've got a baby comin'! Paint the nursery! Get a matching lampshade and duvet! Tour the maternity ward! Purchase a diamond-encrusted onesie! Rip the PS2 out of the hands of that lazy, good for nothing Kevin Federline, and make him run to the store for nursing pads and nipple salve! YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME! Meanwhile... Today Madonna had a dangerous liaison with a horse—and before you think one more dirty thought, she fell off the horse while riding in the English countryside. Worse still, she broke her collarbone, fractured her hand, and cracked three ribs. Worser still, it was her 47th birthday—and who needs to be reminded that old people's bones are extremely brittle? Regardless, this new interest in equestrianism is said to be just another step taken by Madonna to "reinvent herself as an English country wife." Unfortunately for Madonna, her horse was trying to reinvent himself as an urban gangsta, along the lines of 50 Cent.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 16 Today in Virginia, a $50 used laptop sale turned into an all-out stampede, after 1,000 people lined up to buy the computers being sold by the local school system. Many shoppers had been standing in line for hours when officials opened the gates at 7 am, and the situation quickly turned into a mob scene. People rushed forward, screaming and knocking others to the ground. An elderly man was thrown to the pavement, a little girl's stroller was crushed by the throng, and a man tried to drive his car into the crowd. Blandine Alexander, 33, actually saw a woman urinate on herself rather than lose her place in line. "No matter what [my] kids want, I already told them I'm not doing that again." Participant Jesse Sandler was so incensed by people trying to cut in line in front of him, he attacked them with a fold-up chair. "They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought it was just," he said. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the entire stampede and injuries were for nothing— after all, hillbillies are incapable of using computers.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17 Full-time socialite, part-time porn star Paris Hilton is in the hot seat from animal activist groups after trading in her doggy pal Tinkerbell for a newer model. According to E! Online, Paris has dumped her former Chihuahua for a smaller dog named Bambi. A so-called friend says, "She only likes them when they're very small and Tinkerbell got too big." As a result, Tinkerbell is currently enrolled in Overeaters Anonymous where she is battling several eating addictions. Meanwhile... Publicly humiliated pop star Ashlee Simpson is apparently getting back on the Saturday Night Live horse, and is currently in talks about returning to the show that almost destroyed her young career. During her last visit, she was busted lip-synching to what she later called "backing vocals"—and after performing a grotesque hillbilly jig, left the stage in tears. Now she's prepared to return, saying, "I've battled those demons. I'm ready to go back out and do it again." That's great Ashlee! Only this time, could you lip-synch one of your big sister's songs? We like her better than you. (MEAN!)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 18 Today icky, confessed serial killer Dennis Rader had his day in court, and emerged with a whopping 10 life sentences for his crimes. Rader, known as the "BTK Killer"—as in "bind, torture, and kill"—confessed to stalking and killing seven women, one man, and two kids. After the judge passed sentence, Rader was allowed to give a rambling, disjointed Mariah Carey-style speech in which he labeled himself a Christian, quoted the Bible, and spoke of the demons that supposedly sent him on his killing spree. "I hope someday God will accept me," he said. "The dark side was there, but now I think light is beginning to shine." And he was right, because at that moment a brilliant ray of light burst from the heavens, and on that heavenly beam were an army of angels who flew into the courtroom, touched Rader on the forehead, and subsequently beat the shit out of him.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 19 Lady rocker Courtney Love is going back into rehab. Oh, Courtney—you do test our trusting nature. When you said that your collapse and subsequent rush from a Hollywood hotel party to the ER last July was due to exhaustion, we totally believed you. We said, sure, that makes sense. Those Hollywood hotel parties are very grueling. Then, when we saw you on the Comedy Central roast of Pamela Anderson and you were acting sort of loose-limbed, tongue-tied, and sloppy, we thought isn't it nice that she feels she can be that relaxed? After all, you said you were clean that night. Over and over again. Plus what kind of self-destructive lunatic would violate her probation on national television? Then when you broke down in a Los Angeles courtroom this morning and admitted to a relapse, we began to suspect you might not have been being entirely truthful this past year. Then we heard that your defense attorney said you were "serious," "sincere," and "pretty tenacious about getting her life in order," and our faith in you was vindicated. We know that only eight months ago you were vowing to "move forward with life in a healthy and positive way." But this time, we can tell that you really mean it.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20 President George Bush and Lance Armstrong took a 17-mile bike ride around Bush's ranch today. It was, reportedly, an idyllic little jaunt, just the two men and a small group of staff, Secret Service agents, and a film crew from the Discovery Channel. Naturally, it was hard for Armstrong to keep up with the athletic President, but even Bush had to admit that Armstrong is "a good rider." Bush presented Armstrong with a red, white, and blue T-shirt emblazoned "Tour de Crawford" and some red, white, and blue riding socks with the presidential seal on the inner ankle. That is so awesome. Hey! How about some stem cell research money so Armstrong doesn't die if his cancer returns? No, you're right. Socks are better.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 21 The Information Super Highway was abuzz today with speculation that Kirsten Dunst is pregnant. The root of this ado? Kirsten was photographed at a Hollywood Whole Foods. In the vitamin department, looking at New Chapter Organics Perfect Prenatal dietary supplements. With her boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal. OH MY CHRIST, SHE'S KNOCKED UP! Sure, some women take prenatals as general multivitamins, but do they need their boyfriends to help them pick out the right ones? Do they need their boyfriends to grill store employees for more information about the product? No, they do not. Starlets today. It's like they don't know they're not supposed to leave the house except for work or parties.