MONDAY, AUGUST 22 Ready for the most jaw-dropping news of the week? Brace yourself, bubby, 'cause here it comes: Britney Spears' lowlife hubby Kevin Federline—HAS A JOB. One that actually pays money! According to gossip site, Britney has finally rolled this lay about off the couch, pried the PS2 from his clammy, Chee-tos colored fingers, and set him up with a "dance instructor" gig at choreographer Darrin Henson's dance school in Los Angeles. (Darrin has previously dreamed up snappy routines for J.LO, Christina Aguilera, 'N Sync, and—no surprise—Britney herself.) Tongues have been wagging for months about K.Fed's "bohemian" lifestyle, saying that pregnant Britney was "fed" up with Kevin's spending habits. According to a snoop who spilled the beans to the Daily News, "Kevin's on a leash. He spends money like water... and I think Britney's starting to wake up and realize it." Regardless, we're thrilled about Kevin's new job, and can even recommend a class that would be perfect for him to teach: It's called "Nap-aerobics." Meanwhile... It's official, the genetically imperfect Jennifer Aniston and her former hubby and current member of the super race Brad Pitt have legally ended their marriage. A "judgment of dissolution" has been entered by the court—but don't pick out your wedding dress just yet, Angelina Jolie, you home-wrecking whore! The divorce won't be official until October 2nd... which is plenty of time for Brad to fall in love with someone even more genetically superior to yourself. We're thinking George Clooney.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23 According to, Tom Cruise has lashed out at allegations that he claims to be a reincarnated Scientology prophet. In an interview, Cruise supposedly said, "I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the Supreme Thetan, selected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, the uninformed masses." Cruise has denied ever making this statement—but c'mon. He really does love to use the word "glib"—especially whenever any reporter (like the Today show's Matt Lauer) calls bullshit on his stupid beliefs. But ultimately we believe him. Because, after all, Bingodulla only chooses crazy people to rant about Scientology, right? Meanwhile... According to a story in the latest Radar magazine, the reason Tom has been rattling off all this ridiculous Scientology stuff in the past few months is because he has risen to one of the highest levels in the religion—a level known as "Sea Org." Says one former member, "If you look at Tom, he has that dedicated glare that Sea Org members have." We're sorry, but... "SEA ORG"? We swear to god, Tom's going to wind up walking around one of those sci-fi conventions dressed like a Klingon. Meanwhile... Check out "Ann Romano: Celebrity Gossip Whore" on the Mercury's "Blog Town, USA" site (, where there are some TELLING photos of Tom as a child disguising himself as a woman. Hey, it's healthier than dressing up as a "sea org."

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24 700 Club host and fundy hothead Pat Robertson issued an apology today for suggesting that the U.S. government assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. The South American leader has accused the Bush Administration of trying to topple his government, and possibly backing plots to have him killed. On Monday, Robertson said of Chavez, "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability." Today, he claimed the Associated Press misinterpreted his remarks. "I didn't say 'assassination,'" said the clearly lying Robertson. "I said our special forces should 'take him out,' [which] could be a number of things." This is true. We were "taken out" to dinner just last week by our hubby Kip—though the date was so horrific, we WISH we had been assassinated!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25 Speaking of lying liars, annoyingly gorgeous ingénue Scarlett Johannson got caught in a fender bender—and a possible fib. Last weekend, a delightful trip to Disneyland turned into a teacup ride of horror when poor Scarlett smashed into another car in the amusement center's parking lot—and according to Scarlett's publicist, it was the paparazzi's fault! Says Scarlett mouthpiece Marcel Pariseau, "The fender bender was induced by the paparazzi, who chased her for 45 minutes." Not so, said one of the shutterbugs on her tail. According to one of the pursuing photogs, the wreck was Scarlett's fault, and Scarlett's alone. "The nearest cars to them at the time of the accident were at least 40 yards away, and none of them contained paparazzi. She was going very, very slow—maybe 15 miles per hour. I could see that she wasn't at all being chased when she hit the other lady's car." People, people! The important thing here is that Scarlett wasn't hurt. Let's just be thankful her plastic surgeon had the forethought to install those two airbags in her chest. Ka-ZING!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26 More than a dozen liquor stores have stopped selling kegs in Muncie, Indiana—and as you can imagine, a natural disaster is brewing. The local beer cartel is hoping to offset low profits from kegs by forcing local college students to purchase cans and bottles. At one store, a mural featuring a Ball State University Cardinal with a keg and the logo "Keg Headquarters" has been painted over like so much ghetto graffiti. What kind of message is this keg-atorium sending? "If you tell kids at other schools you go to Ball State, now you're going to hear, 'You mean that school where you can't buy a keg?'" lamented senior Aaron Shepard. How is a college student to overcome something like that? Will any of these kids get into grad school? Refugees continue to stream to nearby college towns looking for shelter.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27 Want to make 100K? Piss off Russell Crowe until he throws a phone at you. Apparently it's not that hard. According to media reports today, Crowe has reached a 100K settlement with Nestor Estrada, the clerk at the Mercer Hotel who earned Crowe's ire with his unflappable response to the star's long distance dialing woes. Of course, 100K is nothing to uber rich Australian movie stars and Nestor was totally robbed. What is that after taxes? Like five Hermes bags? Pitiful.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28 At long last! Gwyneth Paltrow has finally weighed in on the Brad/Jennifer break-up. Her verdict? Loose lips sink ships. Gwyn, who went through her own Brad breakup in 1997, told Time magazine that Brad and Jen would have been better off if they had not talked to the media. Paltrow is determined to keep mum about her marriage to rock star hubby Chris Martin. "Our marriage is between us. If we decide to continue being together or not, it's our business," she said. OH MY GOD, THEY'RE TOTALLY BREAKING UP. She's practically ANNOUNCING it. Time reports that the couple does not like to be photographed together. (We feel exactly the same way about being photographed with Kip.) "When I presented at the Oscars last year everyone would say, 'Where's your husband? Is there trouble in the marriage?' And I was like, 'Why on Earth would I bring my husband?'" she said. Uh, because that's what married people do—they go to each other's work events. And it's the Oscars. And you need a date. And he's your husband. See? They are SO separating within six months. Poor little Apple.