MONDAY, AUGUST 29 Pregnant Britney Spears: now busier than ever! Not only is she working on a new album, and in negotiations to nail down a long-term contract to appear in a Las Vegas casino, she's also found time to visit the set of her little sister's sitcom, and verbally bitchslap a 13-year-old co-star. According to Pagesix.com, tensions were brewing on the set of Zoey 101 between Brit's lil' sis Jamie Lynn, and castmate Alexa Nikolas. While the publicists are saying that Britney merely gave Alexa "a sisterly talking to," on-set snoops say the "Toxic" singer "proceeded to scream that Alexa was an 'evil little girl' and that she had better watch herself or she 'will never work in this town again.' Alexa was in tears... sobbing and totally upset." Who can blame poor Alexa? It's bad enough to have Britney scream at you, but a 400 lb. Britney Spears? The mind boggles. Meanwhile... Speaking of brain boggling, have you heard the newest name that hubby Kevin Federline has come up with for the baby? Brace yourself... it's deeply stupid. It's "Vegas." OMIGOD, is right. Naturally, Brit isn't keen on the idea, as a friend explains, "She has too many bad memories of Kevin's party days there." Plus, we seem to remember something about a quickie 55-hour marriage that happened somewhere in Vegas? Now there's an idea! Hey Kevin, if you love Las Vegas so much, how about naming the kid "Jason Alexander"?
TUESDAY, AUGUST 30 In what will surely be a landmark legal case, a Philadelphia car dealer is being sued by Snoop Dogg for allegedly copying the rapper's syntax in an ad campaign. According to Snoop's complaint, Gary Barbera— the owner of "Gary Barbera's #1 Dodgeland"—ran a newspaper ad stating, "Is Bar-Bizzle the Sh-izzle? Boy I Gu-izzle." What the hell is "gu-izzle"? In his lawsuit, Snoop notes that he "regularly receives financially lucrative offers to license use of his trademark and person name, likeness, persona and speech pattern." The lawyers say Barbera's ad has caused "confusion" amongst the legion of Snoop fans who may have incorrectly assumed the D-O-double G has endorsed the dealership. So did you hear that everybody? No more "izzles"! And that also goes for any usage of Austin Powers' "Yeah, Baby!", Budweiser's "Wazzup!", or Dave Chappelle's "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" Though not technically illegal, it's technically still annoying.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31 For those who regularly troll eBay searching for the latest in celebrity souvenirs, artifacts and underpants—be on the alert! The following items may show up on the auction site any day now! ITEM #1: Tom Cruise's BB gun. According to childhood chum Tommy Puckett (via The Globe tabloid), a young Tom Cruise was quite the torturer of animals. "One of our hobbies was to take my BB gun and shoot at critters like rabbits, squirrels, mice, and birds," said the charmingly colloquial Puckett. Beginning bid for Tom Cruise's BB gun: $500 and the scalp of Today Show host, Matt Lauer. ITEM #2: Giant 5-foot photograph of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston on their wedding day. After vacating their mansion, this item was—oddly enough—left behind, and according to the real estate agent who found it, "Neither Brad nor Jen want it. It's too heartbreaking for them and Angelina wouldn't be too thrilled if Brad put it up in his Malibu pad." Beginning bid for this large picture: $1,000 and a promise you won't laugh at it every day. ITEM #3: Martha Stewart's ankle bracelet. As of 12:05 tonight, the previously incarcerated style maven will be allowed to remove her "hideous" electronic ankle tag which will officially end her six months of being under house arrest. Beginning bid for Stewart's ankle bracelet: $2000—but if you order now, she'll throw in her sterling silver prison shiv for free.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina worsened exponentially today when the Mayor of New Orleans sent out "a desperate SOS" as the city of homeless and starving citizens fell into anarchy. According to Police Chief Eddie Compass, "We have individuals who are getting raped... getting beaten. [Tourists] are getting preyed upon." Between 15 to 20 thousand people have taken shelter in the New Orleans Convention Center, where corpses littered the area, and evacuees cried for food, water, and medicine that hadn't arrived. Little to no law enforcement exists, and thousands were waiting for busses to take them to safety. Pointing to a dead elderly woman in a wheelchair outside the Center, evacuee Daniel Edwards exclaimed, "I don't treat my dog like that. I buried my dog." Then speaking in reference to the modicum of support offered by the federal government, "You can do everything for other countries but you can't do nothing for your own people. You can go overseas with the military, but you can't get them down here." As for President Bush, he seemed far more concerned with looters than sending aid to the hopeless. "I think there ought to be zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency such as this," Bush said of the starving citizenry. "Whether it be looting, or price gouging at the gasoline pump... The citizens ought to be working together." Rest easy in your mansions and SUVs, Mr. and Mrs. Republican. The day of reckoning is on the way.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 U.N. Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie spoke out against Katrina today, inspiring several celebrities to also take a stand against hurricanes. Kanye West went further in his condemnation, breaking from scripted tele-prompter remarks during an NBC celeb fundraiser, to question the administration's emergency preparedness and state the obvious: "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Actor/comedian Mike Myers, who stood nervously next to West during his rant, suffered an absolute failure of his famous ad-lib ability, and instead stammered out his scripted comment. Without a Scottish accent or anything. The show aired live on the East Coast, but West's anti-Bush rhetoric was edited from the West Coast broadcast. Naturally, NBC ran a frantic disclaimer explaining that Kanye's emotional remarks did not reflect the opinion of the network, which, as everyone knows, cares deeply about black people. Especially the Cosbys.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Well, we hope you're happy. Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist died tonight at his home in Virginia. The Nixon appointee has been battling thyroid cancer and beating off obituary writers with sticks for the last few months, so it was no big surprise that he bit the big one. Now Bush will have to pick another nominee to the Supreme Court, which almost always turns out poorly for liberals. Plus he'll have to concentrate on two things at once: rebuilding the South and finding someone who seems reasonable on the surface yet still believes abortion should be illegal. We wonder which one will get lost in the shuffle.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Is Sienna Miller batty? The blonde Brit appears to have fallen back into the cheating arms of nanny-bonker Jude Law and is even planning on attending a wedding with him. (Sienna—we know it's humiliating to go to a wedding alone, but do you really want to take back a philanderer just to ensure you have a wedding date? There's almost always a caterer or someone in the band who will dance with the single girl.) In fact, she would like everyone to know how invaluable his support has been through this whole episode, which he caused. She says, "My mum, my sister, all my best mates, and Jude have been really supportive of me." It is so great that Jude has been there for you. Except for when he wasn't. That was when he was licking the nipples of the babysitter. But hey... as long as he calls you afterward.