MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 It's Labor Day, and while most Americans were actively ignoring anything that smelled of "work," Hollywood celebs—who haven't worked a day in their lives—kept extremely busy... flapping their gums! It seems that ever since rapper Kanye West went off teleprompter last week to remind Americans that President Bush is a hillbilly racist, Hollywood's glitterati have jumped on the smack-talk bandwagon, led off by... CÉLINE DION? The Canadian caterwauler was on Larry King Live this weekend, and in a surprising turn of events, totally shit-talked the President! Talking about the government's slow-as-molasses efforts to rescue the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Céline was heartfelt in her words—while being a bit confusing as well. "I open the television, there's people still there, waiting to be rescued, and for me it's not acceptable," she said. (We suppose if you're rich you can afford one of those TVs that open up.) Then she directly attacked Bush, saying, "How come it's so easy to send planes in another country to kill everyone in a second, to destroy lives? We need to be there right now to rescue the rest of the people." That's it! We officially forgive Céline for "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. (Just DON'T sing it again!) Meanwhile... Irish hunk Colin Farrell and American porn star Paris Hilton sold their bodies (at a charity auction) to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Colin raised a hefty $20,000 from one extremely lucky lady for an evening out on the town, while "a fan" bid $200,000 to spend a night with (and perhaps, in) Paris. "It's so generous. I'm crying right now," said Paris, who hasn't cried since that time Tinkerbell crapped in her Louis Vuitton bag.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 And while it's no surprise that celebs are venting their righteous indignation at Bush's woeful inadequacies as a human being, guess who's finally found their tongue? The mainstream media! After years of tossing softball questions at the Bush Administration, Hurricane Katrina has turned out to be a wake-up call for many reporters who are finally asking the tough questions. Last Thursday on Nightline, when director of FEMA Michael Brown insisted he had just learned of the thousands of stranded people in the New Orleans Convention Center, host Ted Koppel shot back, "Don't you guys watch television?" Then on Face the Nation, CBS correspondent Bob Schieffer blasted Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, calling the government's handling of the disaster, "a total failure." And when White House Spokesman Scott McClellan accused a reporter of playing "the blame game," the reporter then accused McClellan of "dodging" a direct question. Of course, there are some newshounds in the mainstream who are all too willing to close their eyes to Bush's failures, including Rush Limbaugh and Oregonian Associate Editor David Reinhard (see News, page 9 for more details on David's horseshit editorial). However, it does seem like the media may be finally waking up to its responsibilities—or as The Daily Show's Jon Stewart aptly put it, it's like "a fat drunk shaking off his stupor to chase off car vandals with a tire iron."
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Whoopsy! Apparently when the Oregonian's David Reinhard and his buddy Rush Limbaugh were crying about the Bush Administration getting the blame for botched rescue efforts in New Orleans, they hadn't read the leaked memo which clearly implicates FEMA and Bush appointee Michael Brown. Maybe they were too busy sticking their noses up the President's ass. According to internal documents, head of FEMA Michael Brown waited five hours after Katrina made landfall to send help—and then allowed the 1,000 Homeland Security employees two whole days to get there. Brown also wrote that among the duties of these employees was "to convey a positive image" about the government's response to the tragedy. That was on Monday, August 29—it wasn't until Thursday afternoon when the airline industry was finally called to help participate in airlifting refugees. That's right, guys—don't blame the President. We're sure those memos would've gotten there on time if it weren't for those damn spam blockers!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 But even in dark days like these, we can look to the children of the future for a ray of hope—and in particular, Britney Spears' little ray of hope! Here's the latest from the baby front: Don't be alarmed, but since getting pregnant, Britney has gained 51 POUNDS. That's like four cases of Cheetos! Meanwhile... While Britney claims she doesn't know if her tater tot will be a boy or a girl, she does know she wants a C-section. Why? Because according to mama Lynne Spears (who's had some experience with these things) that baby is going to rip her vagina to shreds. Hey, we'd do the same thing if we saw Kevin Federline's ugly face waiting for us. Meanwhile... Fancy pants fashion designer Donatella Versace is doing her bit for Hurricane Katrina victims by designing an entire wardrobe for Britney Spears' baby. Apparently, it's never too early to look like a tacky whore.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 FEMA Director and Arabian horse enthusiast, Michael Brown was accused of padding his resume today and was quickly sent packing back to FEMA HQ. That's a CEO administration for you. A few thousand dead poor black folk, they'll let that slide—but an error on a resume? It indicates a lack of attention to detail that is just unforgivable. What's Brownie going to do back in our nation's capital? "I'm going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife, and maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff margarita and a full night's sleep," he said. Then, remembering he was still supposed to be running FEMA, he added: "And then I'm going to go right back to FEMA and continue to do all I can to help these victims." Yeah. They could probably use a stiff margarita about now.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 You know you're in trouble when Dick Cheney is the human face of your administration. Now that Bush's perma-smirk seems particularly icky in juxtaposition to the South's devastation and suffering, the administration is relying on Cheney to woo the nation with his folksy charm. For some reason, however, people just aren't taking to him. On Thursday, Cheney was heckled in Mississippi by a gentleman who shouted, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go fuck yourself." Cheney was not distressed by the criticism. In fact, quite the opposite. It seems that Cheney cleverly trademarked "Go fuck yourself™" last summer when he used the phrase to take a jab at Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy and now the Vice President gets a dime every time the phrase is used, two dimes if it's on a T-shirt. Today, 10 cents richer, Cheney toured a Hurricane Katrina shelter in Austin and was met by a few dozen protesters who gathered outside chanting, "Cheney, Cheney, you can't hide, we charge you with genocide." Cheney tried to trademark the new phrase, but a jump rope company had already beaten him to it.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Great news! Today the Associated Press reported that self-serve regular gasoline is averaging $3 a gallon for the first time ever. You know what that means? The gasoline in your tank right now is appreciating even as you read this! Remember the gas you put in that old lawn mower last summer? What did it cost you, a buck and a half a gallon? Dude, you just doubled your money. At this rate, you'll be able to quit your job and live off the interest. But whatever you do—don't drive anywhere.