MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 Wooo! Wooo! The celebrity tragedy train just pulled into the station, and guess who hopped off? Walking skeleton/model Kate Moss. Remember last week's One Day when we reported that a cheeky British photog had caught her red-nostriled, snorting up some cocaine? And remember when we told you that fancy-pantsy clothier H&M said they forgave Kate for her drug-fueled dalliance, and would allow her to continue starring in their advertisements? THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR MINDS. Despite the waif's apologies, H&M reneged on their previous statement and have told Kate to go screw. Said the clothing giant's press release, "After having evaluated the situation, H&M has decided that a campaign with Kate Moss is inconsistent with H&M's clear dissociation of drugs." Wow. Fashion designers that DON'T do drugs? There's a switch. But this was just the tip of Kate's horrible week iceberg: She's also been dropped by Chanel, as well as Burberry—and if that's not bad enough, the British bobbies have launched an investigation into Kate's toot-snooting antics. But that's not the best part! At least one person benefited from Moss' coke binge—the woman whose breasts Moss fondled! Rebecca White, a personal assistant for designer Anna Friel, claims she was on the receiving end of a sexy titty-twister courtesy of Ms. Moss. "I was at a fashion event in New York. Kate was there—and high," White says. "When we got back to the hotel room, Kate immediately tore off her black dress. She came up to me in her panties and started kissing me. We fell onto the bed together and she touched my breasts, but after a few minutes of groping and kissing, I started to feel nervous and pushed her away." Note to the youth of today: If Kate Moss has her tongue crammed down your throat, don't be an idiot and tell her to stop. Take two bumps of coke, and call us in the morning—with all the juicy details!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 Star of TV and porn Paris Hilton may be in trouble with the cops for allegedly providing pot and booze to underage kids. The incident is said to have happened to three teens during the filming of The Simple Life: Interns. "[Paris] loaded myself and two other underage kids on shots of Jack Daniels to loosen us up for the show," one of the unappreciative punks said. A spokesman for The Simple Life strenuously denied the allegations, saying, "Paris would never endanger the welfare of a minor." The spokesman then paused, adding, "Wait... let's just say she would never intentionally harm... oh, fuck it. She's probably guilty."

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Horror in the skies! The passengers of JetBlue Flight 292 had the bejeezus scared out of them today when they were forced to make an emergency landing thanks to defective landing gear. The plane was en route from LA to New York when the pilots realized the front wheels didn't retract properly after takeoff. The plane circled the coast for three hours—and here's the really scary part—while the passengers watched live network coverage of their situation on in-flight TV! Said passenger Alexandra Jacobs, "We couldn't believe the irony, that we were watching our own demise on TV—it was post-postmodern." Happily for the passengers (and unhappily for Fox News) the plane made a textbook landing on its crumpled gear, with no injuries reported. However, a second shock came when it was learned that actress Taryn Manning (Hustle & Flow) was onboard the flight as well. "I'm thankful to be alive," the young ingenue said. "It was a life-changing day." Intent on turning over a new leaf, the actress swore she would no longer play cheap whores on film, and only play high-class whores.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 As previously predicted in One Day, the approval rating of President Bush has taken a severe blow in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. While the popularity of the Prez has been consistently eroding as deaths continue to mount in Iraq, a Gallup poll released today revealed that Katrina's damage didn't stop in New Orleans: A whopping 66 percent of respondents favored the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq—that's a 10 percent jump from two weeks ago. Bush's approval rating took a similar hit, falling from 40 percent to 32 percent in the same period. And if you'd like some frosting for that cake, a recent CBS/New York Times poll indicated that 75 percent think that Bush has no clear plan for bringing home the troops. However, there is good news for President Bush—an overwhelming 75 percent of flood victims from New Orleans say they'd prefer Bush to remain President, if it meant they would receive a million dollars a day for the rest of their lives. The other 25 percent were undecided.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Lynndie England is back in the news, bless her black little heart. Lynndie, you will recall, reached Paris-level infamy when a photograph appeared of her holding the business end of a leash attached to a prisoner's neck at Abu Ghraib. No one will ever be able to do a double-gun finger point with the same innocence again. What's Lynndie been up to? She's had prison guard ringleader Charles Graner's baby. He meanwhile, has married another strumpet he met in Iraq. Her trial is now revolving around a single question: Was Lynndie a slave to his Svengali charm? Or was she a willing participant in humiliation and torture? And there are the other obvious questions: Did she give up smoking when she realized she was pregnant? Will she ever lose the baby weight? Because the chub-rub is getting seriously out of control. We're no lawyer, but at this point, we would advise the country of England to seriously consider suing her for devaluing their trademark.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 By now you most certainly will have heard the big news of the week: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have tied the red-string knot. The ceremony took place at a private home on Saturday, with about 100 people in attendance, including Demi's ex, Bruce Willis (and, more thrillingly, Punky Brewster!). According to reports, the couple was wed in a Kabbalah ceremony. If the Kabbalah teacher acted as solemnizer, but wasn't also an ordained rabbi or at least minister in the Universal Life Church, the couple may not be, technically speaking, legally wed. Which would sure spoil everything for all of us when they don't have to get a legal divorce. How can Christian's doubt evolution, when celebrities are so clearly getting smarter?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 If you are planning on holidaying in the hurricane-stricken Gulf Coast region, stay out of the water. Apparently, a rogue pod of angry military-trained dolphin assassins was freed by Katrina and is now on the loose. According to The Guardian in London: "Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns." The dolphins were reportedly penned in a sound close to Lake Pontchartrain, and have been unaccounted for since Katrina struck. "My concern is that they have learned to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises," a source with ties to the government's marine fisheries service told The Guardian. "If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if [the dolphins are] equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire." Hear that, scuba divers? No wetsuit/burqa combinations. (Which are so last year, anyway.)