MONDAY, JUNE 11 It's only Monday, and already this week is the most gruesome of disappointments. Seriously, how could one even dream of topping last week in which socialite/porn star/jailbird Paris Hilton somehow purchased her way out of prison, only to be dragged back into jail kicking, screaming, and crying out for her mommy. There's no getting around it: Life is incapable of getting better than that. Therefore, until Paris gets shivved (shanked?) in the prison laundry room, we'll have to be satisfied with the dregs this less entertaining week has to offer. For example? Paris has decided NOT to appeal the judge's decision to be dragged back to jail kicking, screaming, and blah-blah-blah-blah-BLAH. She also issued a statement to the media scolding us for what she thinks is our excessive attention to her plight. "I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things," Paris intoned, "like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places around the world." Tell you what Paris, we would happily give our soldiers the same attention that you normally give them—but that would involve us removing our underpants. MEANWHILE... America was totally going to spend today thinking about the men and women serving our country in Iraq—that is until The Sopranos series finale screwed it all up for everybody! Now, we have no intention on spoiling the ending, so don't throw down this paper and run out of the room with your fingers in your ears, loudly singing, "LA-LA-LA-LA-I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOUUUUUU!" We will say this however—everyone was VERY disappointed, and when you finally get around to watching it on DVD in late 2008, you'll know what we were talking about. See you then!
TUESDAY, JUNE 12 Everyone needs the occasional palate cleanser—even those who love reading about the daily misfortunes of Paris Hilton! Today the LA Times stood up for Miss P (sort of) by doing some boring unnecessary research and concluding that Paris will end up serving more time in prison than the vast majority of inmates who committed similar crimes. But even though she's serving more time—it's still mostly her fault. According to their data, Paris would have served the same amount of time as 60 percent of the other inmates... that is, had she not tried to bust herself out of jail by feigning insanity. However, because she got greedy (AKA "mentally ill") and pissed off the judge who sentenced her to the full 23 days, Paris will be serving more time than 80 percent of her cooped-up compatriots. Is this a miscarriage of justice? Should there be a two-tiered system that punishes ostentatious pseudo celebrities MORE than the average citizen? A quick poll of 10 million Americans reveals their answer: "Yes... we're all okay with that." Good to know!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13 Happy 21st birthday, Olsen Twins! Now, why don't you two go eat a sandwich while we talk about Paris Hilton? After spending the last few days in the medical ward at LA's Twin Towers Correctional Facility—let's all take a quick moment to smirk at that irony—the mentally incapacitated Paris was declared "capacitated" enough to return to her old cell at the all-woman Century Regional Detention Center. However, a law enforcement source tells TMZ.com that Paris' return might be short-lived, as she "will not be able to handle" prison life, and could revert back to having severe panic attacks. "To describe Paris as emotionally upset would be an understatement," said the source. Okay... then how about "an emotionally upset spoiled brat who is using psychological temper tantrums to extricate herself from an uncomfortable situation"? Still too much of an understatement for you?
THURSDAY, JUNE 14 Just so everyone knows, octogenarian action star Bruce Willis is denying reports that he is dating Drew Barrymore. Ohhhh... kay. Besides the fact that no one has accused him of dating Drew Barrymore, we'll still reward his wishful thinking with an appropriate response: "EWW!" MEANWHILE... In political, non-Paris news, an internal inquiry made by the FBI revealed that the law enforcement organization may have violated the law up to 1,000 times while collecting personal data from citizens' phone calls, emails, and financial records. It's just another one of the grand side effects of the Bush administration's Patriot Act—enacted after the tragedy of 9/11—which practically gave the FBI free reign to violate our civil rights in the god-approved pursuit of godless terrorists. Even more damning? The vast majority of the information the FBI received was happily handed over by telephone and internet companies—and in many cases, the FBI was given much more information than they had originally requested. This sort of unethical violation of our civil rights must stop—unless we're talking about the contents of Lindsay Lohan's BlackBerry. (Isn't it one of our civil rights to know who LiLo is currently boinking?)
FRIDAY, JUNE 15 Hey, Hurricane Katrina victims! So... how's it going? Oh. New Orleans is still a mess, huh? And a lot of you still don't have your houses back? And crime has skyrocketed? Yeah... that's too bad. Say, that reminds us: FEMA wants their money back. Remember them? (They're those guys who didn't show up and let about a million people die and then screwed everything sideways.) According to USA Today, "The Federal Emergency Management Agency overpaid victims of the Gulf Coast hurricanes by at least $485 million and is struggling to reclaim the money from tens of thousands of people it says shouldn't have been given aid." Whoopsie! FEMA has already gotten back $15.6 million, despite "sharp protests from lawyers, lawmakers, and residents still struggling to rebuild nearly two years after Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Wilma obliterated much of the coast." Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you! Living in the cardboard box, fending off gangs, and struggling with the fact that the US government doesn't care about you! Yeah! You! FEMA wants you to know that you owe them money. Pay up!
SATURDAY, JUNE 16 Forbes magazine's annual "Celebrity 100 Power List" is out, and you're never going to guess who's at the tippy-top! Okay, okay, you probably already know. Oprah topped the list yet again, with an estimated income of $260 million in the past year. In related news, Oprah owns you, your house, your children, your memories, and your dreams. She will also be president by 2016, and by 2031, she will have assassinated Emperor Klaktuu of Rigel VII, assuming her rightful role as the Great and Terrible Queen of the Milky Way Galaxy. Prepare accordingly.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17 Happy Father's Day! For those of you without bitter, incontinent fathers who rail from their deathbeds about what a disappointment you are (though to be fair, Daddy was right about Hubby Kip), today was the day to let your fathers know how much they mean to you. And this goes double for Rick Hilton, father of Paris. Paris' parents dropped into the clink today for a 45-minute visit with their daughter. "She's doing very well," Paris' mother, Kathy, told reporters. "She made [Rick] a beautiful Father's Day card with his picture." Awww. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? Now stop wasting time, Paris, and get to sharpening some cafeteria spoons and fermenting some pruno in your cell's toilet. If you don't get drunk and shiv (shank?) at least one fellow inmate by this time next week, you're as good as dead to us.