MONDAY, OCTOBER 3 It was a wild and wooly week in Hollyweird, featuring crashes, pregnancies, and the usual high-profile canoodling. Let's start with fan fave, Paris Hilton! According to the New York Post, the skinny porn ingénue who just last week dumped similarly named boy-toy Paris Latsis is reportedly once again getting her skank on, this time with another Greek, Stavros Niarchos. Why should we care? Because that's Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend! Oh boy, what an awesome catfight that's going to be! And even better? Thanks to anorexia, they're both featherweights! Meanwhile... In a really pathetic attempt to regain her lost stardom, Britney Spears and hillbilly hubby Kevin Federline fear that one of their home sex tapes is about to hit the internet. Us magazine claims a member of the singer's entourage has copied the tape and is threatening to release it. They go on to say the raunchy footage appears to have been taken "before Spears looked pregnant." Does that mean Brit's not eligible for "Mommies Gone Wild"? Meanwhile... TV pop psychologist Dr. Phil is a dick. In related news, the makers of Dr. Phil's discontinued "Shape Up!" diet plan are being sued for fraud. The plaintiffs are also alleging that the pear-shaped doc made false and misleading claims about the diet supplements ability to help users drop the pounds. Uh, hello? Your first clue should've been that Dr. Phil is a fat pig.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4 Kerrr-ASSHHH! Lindsay Lohan in yet another airbag popping fender bender! But THIS time, One Day has the (partial) EXCLUSIVE scoop! Apparently in an attempt to avoid a gaggle of paparazzi, Lohan hit the gas on her Mercedes Benz convertible, and promptly hit a maroon Chevy Astro van in front of LA's trendy Newsroom Café. The bad news? Both vehicles were totally TOTALED. The good news? The guy driving the van was an employee of Mercury employee Ezra Ace Caraeff's dad who owns the Newsroom Café! Which means (for once) we've got an EXCLUSIVE QUOTE. We are soooo excited! Ed "Ezra's Dad" Caraeff had this to say about the accident: "[Lohan] hit our busboy Ray as he was parking to go to work. Our manager had to go in the ambulance with him to the hospital. That left the cafe with no busboy—he was the only one scheduled to work, and no manager. It was chaos! We're getting Ray a good attorney. Not sure when he can work again!" Happily, Ray escaped with only minor injuries, and Ezra's dad later found someone to fill in for the evening shift. What's that? Oh, yeah. Lindsay's not dead.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5 Remember Britney Spears' baby? He is so three weeks ago! The fetus of the moment now belongs to the newly impregnated Katie Holmes and her couch-hopping, Scientology spewing boyfriend Tom Cruise. That's right, she's pregnant, which proves three of the following four things: (1) Katie lied when she promised the London Sunday Mirror she would "remain a virgin until marriage." (2) That German magazine was wrong when they claimed that Tom Cruise has "a zero sperm count." (3) Scientologists may enjoy dictating what postpartum drugs women take, but have no problem with Katie being an unwed mother. (4) Tom Cruise isn't gay. Whew. What a relief. Waitasecond... didn't we say that one of those statements isn't true? Now we're all confused. Meanwhile... Hunky has-been Nick Lachey (hubby to dim-witted bombshell Jessica Simpson) has been accused of tonguing a 19-year-old coed. Young Danielle Calo told Star magazine that Lachey met her on September 9 at a high school football game (ewww, already!), took her back to his hotel room, and gave her a good ol' fashioned tongue lashing—with his actual tongue. "He was a really good kisser," alleged the gabby teen, "soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me. Nick would occasionally rub my thigh very lightly. I was uncomfortable about doing anything else—and I told him so. Nick never forced anything, and we never went into his bedroom." Unsurprisingly, a representative for Nick and his tongue insisted, "this story is completely untrue." However, Star counter-insisted that Calo passed a polygraph test. Wifey Jessica jumped to her hubby's defense claiming, "Nick's tongue is innocent—but don't ask me to take that polygraph test. I haven't studied polygraphs since junior high geometry."

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6 If you're wondering whether or not newly appointed Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is an asshole... well, he's an asshole. Barely a week into the job, and he's already sticking his brown Republican nose into Oregon's assisted suicide law. As you may recall, former Bush lackey Attorney General and religious zealot John Ashcroft challenged Oregon's law, which allows physicians to prescribe medications to terminal patients who want to end their own lives. Now it's in the hands of the justices to decide whether the state or the federal government will have a final say on the matter. However, rather than thinking about it for maybe three seconds, Roberts is already weighing in with his uninformed, bone-headed opinion. Claiming that if one state is allowed to help a suffering patient control their own destiny, what's to stop all the others? But he does have a point: If Oregon continues to treat its citizens with dignity—it's going to make all those red states look like real jerks.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7 Here's something creepy: Paris Hilton's ex, Paris Latsis, is wetting his euro-trash designer jeans about getting dumped. After Hilton announced their breakup in a heartfelt treatise to Us Weekly, Latsis fell all over himself praising the gaudy heiress. "She is the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life. I respect her decision and appreciate the very kind and generous manner in which she is handling her very difficult decision. This was the best experience of my life and I will always be grateful for it." Gross. Keep your sadomasochistic make-up sex foreplay to yourselves, people.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8 And from the Scientology desk: Cultists John Travolta and Kelly Preston have recommended that Katie Holmes squeeze out her bread-box-sized infant through her tiny vagina in absolute silence. No wailing in pain. No Lamaze breathing. No Joni Mitchell on the stereo. Seems that Scientologists believe that babies should be delivered without all the birth-related ado that might stress the little parasite out. According to Preston, "It's just because everything in moments of pain is really recorded and you want to have that [the birth] peaceful and clear of sort of suggestions or different words that can then affect them [babies] in their future." You've made a deal with the devil, Katie. Just make sure someone has a pair of socks to stuff into your mouth if things get hairy.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9 British tabloids are reporting that nanny-humper Jude Law has dumped Sienna Miller. Can you believe that shit? As you may recall, Sienna took Jude back after he admitted bonking the nanny. It was all very dramatic and humiliating and led to so much Sienna-related paparazzi frenzy that the blonde Brit-girl starlet reportedly considered giving up acting. So why would Jude cut loose a woman who forgave him for cheating on her with a woman named (shiver) "Daisy"? What else? Infidelity! Yep. Sienna has reportedly rekindled an affair with Layer Cake co-star (and cool cucumber) Daniel Craig. And guess what? In addition to being Sienna's alleged man-squeeze, Daniel Craig just happens to be a good friend of Jude Law's! Do you ever get the feeling that celebrities are just fucking with us and this is all some sort of post-modern improvisational sketch? No. Me either.