MONDAY, OCTOBER 17 Tongues across Hollyweird are wagging, and One Day at a Time is here to translate! News flash: Heartbroken horse-faced Jennifer Aniston caught canoodling with far less attractive man than Brad Pitt! After being unceremoniously dumped for the genetically superior Angelina Jolie, Aniston has reportedly decided to hop back on the romance pony with balding Neanderthalic meatbag Vince Vaughn. Though in strict denial of the romance, Aniston and Vaughn were caught in mid-canoodle by snoopy photogs who snapped saucy pix of the pair tonguing each other on the balcony of Chicago's posh Peninsula Hotel. Thankfully, a nosy snoop was on hand to furnish the Daily Mirror with the following quote: "They keep saying they are just friends, but that kiss was much more than just friendly. Jennifer was sitting on Vince's lap and kept stroking his face. Then she kissed him. It was very passionate." While Vaughn does have a certain working-class charm, you have to admit that Aniston is dipping low into the barrel to come up with this fish. Jennifer, please! Couldn't you have waited around for Owen Wilson?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18 Let's check in on the kidnapping of Katie Holmes, shall we? It's Day 157 of Holmes' captivity, and Tom Cruise and his ridiculous Church of Scientology still have a firm grasp on the brainwashed ingénue—as well as her wedding dress! According to Britain's The Sun, Tom has not only enlisted the assistance of famous designer Giorgio Armani to make Katie's wedding gown—he would also like the job done for FREE. Well, why not? It's not like Giorgio has anything better to do with his time, and after all, Tom is destitute. But creepier still? Instead of being like most grooms, sitting at home and scratching his nethers while watching football, Tom has taken a rather unhealthy interest in the gown's design. A snoopster told the tabloid, "Tom asked Giorgio to design the dress especially and he has had Katie in for several fittings. It's unusual for the groom to have a say in the dress but he has had a lot of input. It seems Tom has a very clear idea of what he wants for the ceremony." While a cynic might make the assumption that the diminutive Tom is designing the dress for himself, remember that Katie's body type is roughly akin to that of Neanderthalic Vince Vaughn—but don't fret, Tommy boy... you can always have it taken in.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19 For those who would like to take a peep into Tom and Katie's future, look no further than the disintegrating romance of "newlyweds" Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. After months of gracing the covers of tabloids, the bubbly blonde and her hunky hubby are the only ones who don't seem to know they're heading toward Splitsville—OR DO THEY? According to creepy boy-band manager Lou Pearlman, the twosome recently rocketed off to Italy to make one last ditch effort at saving their well-publicized marriage. "[Former 98 Degrees bandmate Jeff] Timmons says Nick told him, 'My marriage is shaky right now. I'm hoping this trip will turn things around. This trip could be a second honeymoon—or preparation for a divorce. I don't know what's going to happen, and Jessica doesn't know what's going to happen, but we're going to give it our best shot.'" Best of luck to the formerly happy couple, and remember—no matter what happens, we couldn't care less. MEANWHILE... As reported weeks ago in One Day, socialite skank Paris Hilton has been caught on the canoodle train with yet another Greek, Stavros Niarchos, who we all know to be the boy toy of paper-thin Mary-Kate Olsen. But here's the latest scuttlebutt! Word on Rodeo Drive says that the formerly emaciated Lindsay Lohan ALSO has her claws deeply sunk into the swarthy Greek. "That's 100 percent not true," yelped Lohan's snappy rep. "Lindsay is very good friends with Mary-Kate, and she is appalled that Paris is dating Stavros." And we're equally appalled—with Stavros' apparent skeleton fetish. Who's next? Calista Flockhart?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20 In news that should touch the heart of any liberal, former US House Majority Leader Tom DeLay was arrested today after turning himself in to face charges of money laundering and conspiracy. DeLay was indicted by a Texas grand jury for an alleged campaign finance scheme which illegally funneled money to state Republicans—a charge that could send DeLay to prison for life if convicted. Dick DeGuerin, DeLay's attorney, accused prosecutor Ronnie Earl of engaging in vindictive politics by issuing an arrest warrant for the formerly smug Republican. "Now Ronnie Earle has what he was after, which was a mug shot," DeGuerin said. While a mug shot would certainly be nice, we remain partial to a picture of DeLay being bent over a prison washing machine by a hulking and enthusiastically amorous inmate. Call us romantic.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21 Portland was abuzz today with news so ripe and syrupy that Portlanders were sick to their stomachs. Adults wept tears of joy, grinding their clumsy fists into their eye sockets until their shiny faces were pink and raw. Children, frightened by the grotesque display of emotion, ran in circles out into traffic, and were killed by motorists whose reflexes were dulled by joy. What could cause such an orgy of delight? Ikea. Today will go down in history as the day that the Oregonian reported that Ikea will open a store near the Portland airport. For the Portlanders who have hitherto driven to the Ikea in Renton, Washington, and returned on I-5, flat boxes bursting perilously out of the backs of their Subaru wagons, this news was a panacea equal to Peace or Love. The fact that the store will not be open until 2007 was of little import. We will have our Ikea, and Renton can go fuck itself. Finally.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22 Former movie star Gwyneth Paltrow is refusing to comment on rumors that she's pregnant with a new little fibrous tree fruit. Today, at the UK premiere of Proof, director John Madden told the media that he had congratulated Paltrow that day. "She was pregnant while making this movie," he said referring to Gwyneth's daughter Apple, "so I am hoping it won't be too long for a third collaboration." Wink, wink. A new fruit in the produce aisle would explain Gwyneth's recent attempts to distance herself from her daughter's freakish moniker. In recent appearances she had made a point of saying that her husband chose the name "Apple," and that she doesn't know why, thank you very much. Maybe because HE'S COMPLETELY DERANGED! MY GOD, HE NAMED HIS SPAWN AFTER A SEED! Next time around, she's thinking they'll go a more traditional route.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23 Michael Jackson, fleeing the US's oppressive anti-pedophilia laws, is headed to Bahrain, an archipelago of 33 islands in the Persian Gulf, just east of Saudi Arabia. Apparently the King of Pop is good pals with Crown Prince Sheik Salman Ibn Hamed Khalifa, who may or may not be aware that Jacko is not actual royalty. After Jackson flew to Bahrain after his awkward legal issues, Jacko-watchers wondered if he was going to sell Neverland Ranch and go native. Well, his lawyer has made it official. "He's moving on in life," the lawyer announced in a statement. "He's living permanently in Bahrain. He has friends there who have been very loyal and helpful to him in a difficult period of his life." So what does Bahrain have to offer that sunny SoCal doesn't (besides hairless young boys who do your bidding)? According to Bahrain's website, "recent finds have evidenced that Bahrain was indeed the site of... the fabled Garden of Eden." Yep. They're as crazy as he is! Bon voyage, Jacko!