MONDAY, OCTOBER 24 It's time to get wild, gossip-style, with the latest gab from Hollyweird! What's that screeching sound that's akin to a fork being dragged across a blackboard? Why, that would be Britney Spears' deadbeat hubby Kevin Federline in the recording studio cutting his first ever CD! Apparently the former dancer/current layabout thinks selling a bajillion albums is no big whoop, and is keen to become a future failed pop star just like wifey. Only one problem with Kevin's scheme—his voice STINKS. According to In Touch Weekly magazine, a gabby insider claims K.Fed's singing style was "greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed." The spy also added, "She said his debut CD might sell 'a hundred, maybe a thousand' copies if he was lucky... Kevin looked really hurt." Though we would usually rather stick a pencil in our eye than defend Kevin Federline, give the guy a break! Even Britney didn't become a lip-synching washout in a day. MEANWHILE... Speaking of people who shouldn't be parents, what's up with new daddy Nic Cage? As you may have heard, the 41-year-old Leaving Las Vegas star along with barely legal 21-year-old wifey Alice have come up with the WORST name for a baby since Gwyneth plucked "Apple" off the tree. The name? Kal-El, after the original Kryptonian name of Superman. And though Nic has had almost a month to come to his senses, it looks like this incredibly unfortunate name is going to stick. Nic explains his warped reasoning: "Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" Uhhh, ohhh-kay. You know, we're pretty good at magic ourselves. Check out this trick: Alakazam, Nic! We just turned you into child protective services.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25 It seems you can't swing a Fox News hypocrite these days without hitting a Republican under indictment in Washington, DC. Today the bony finger of justice is pointed squarely at Vice Prez Dick Cheney and his Chief of Staff Scooter Libby, who may have revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame. It's suspected a White House insider blabbed the agent's name to a reporter in retaliation against Plame's husband Joseph Wilson, who accused the Bush Administration of twisting information that led to the war in Iraq. (For exhaustive and endlessly interesting background on this case, check out columnist Ariana Huffington's blog, The Huffington Post at www.huffingtonpost.com.) Cheney's crony Libby previously told federal investigators that he learned of Plame's identity from reporters—but according to notes obtained by the New York Times, the vice president had told Libby about Plame back in June before the story broke in mid-July. LIAR! As of today, Libby and White House Advisor Karl Rove will be the most likely recipients of an indictment, which will place President Bush in the uncomfortable position of once again distracting the American people from realizing his administration is a fetid cesspool of corruption. In other words, expect a war with Syria any day now.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26 If you're anything like us, you LOVE Seventeen magazine—but then you'd read anything to get out of work, wouldn't you? Anyway, if you're thinking of picking up this month's edition at your local Albertsons grocer, fuggedaboutit. Albertsons bigwigs have ordered all copies of Seventeen off their shelves, until the teenybopper rag can learn to stop diagramming vaginas. This month's issue featured a two-page "spread" entitled "Vaginas 101" which explained such "burning" topics as yeast and urinary tract infections, while displaying photographs of this mysterious and ultimately unknowable organ. "We received information that some of the material was relatively explicit with regards to the female anatomy," said Danielle Killpack, Albertsons' public affairs director in Oregon, who also happens to own a vagina. The magazine has been taken off the shelves of stores in at least a dozen states. University of Arizona women's studies professor Laura Briggs has spoken out against the move, saying that girls should be learning more about their bodies, not less. "I can't think of any reason not to share photos of vaginas with teenagers," Briggs said. Our hubby Kip agrees that it's unfair, and claims he's bookmarked at least a dozen websites where adults can share photos of vaginas whenever they please.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27 Evildoers of the world... beware! Talk show maven Oprah Winfrey has four words for you: "You're under arrest, sugar!" Winfrey's show is responsible for capturing yet another child molester this week, the second of the month. Earlier in October, the chatty daytime TV star debuted her "Child Predator Watch List," offering $100,000 rewards for info leading to a perv's arrest. So far the program has been working like gangbusters, roping in accused Minnesota predator William C. Davis, as well as Ohio native Niles Scott who was attempting to make his escape to Belize. It's like a beautiful dream, isn't it? A nation of TV watching trailer-park deputies, dispensing their own brand of justice under the watchful gaze of America's top crime-busting superhero, Oprah Winfrey. Just call them Oprah's "Book 'Em! Club."

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28 Those indictments everyone's been talking about all week were handed out today, and (Ding, ding, ding!) Karl Rove was not IT. Yep, Turd Blossom got away (for now), but Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald invited Lewis "Scooter" Libby to his own special criminal trial. Scooter was not indicted for the whole outing-a-spy thing, but instead for charges of obstruction of justice, perjury, and making false statements—in other words: LYING. Because, as we've previously established, he is a LIAR. And you know who doesn't like to be lied to? Parents, potential employers, traffic cops, mall security guards, AND SPECIAL COUNSELS. Scooter, who overcame a wealthy Connecticut upbringing, prep school, and an Ivy League education, to work in the White House, has now resigned. Poor Scooter. Now he's going to have to go back to his old job: being an obscenely rich lawyer. At least now maybe he'll give up that fake gimp. No one is buying it, Scooter. Crutches? Oldest trick in the book. You know what you should try at the criminal trial? A neck brace. Seriously. Judges love that.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29 The US military death toll in Iraq exceeded 2,000 this week and Sylvester Stallone has announced that he will reprise his role as John Rambo in the upcoming Rambo IV. Pop quiz: Which of these facts is the more ominous harbinger of doom? The Rambo news followed Sly's announcement that he will write, direct, and star in Rocky Balboa, the sixth Rocky movie, which starts shooting next year. Stallone has not announced whether he plans to pursue a sequel to Tango & Cash, but if you wanna offer him 20 bucks, he'd probably consider it.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30 Scooter Libby's lawyer is offering a juicy preview of his client's explanation for all that lying. His defense? Scooter isn't a LIAR; he's just forgetful. He thought he heard about Valerie Plame from reporter Tim Russert, because he'd forgotten about his conversation about Plame with the VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and all those other highly placed government officials. People all kind of run together, don't they? Especially when you're trying to cover-up a conspiracy to convince the American people to go to war. So when Libby told the special counsel that he talked to Wilson about Plame, what he meant to say was "I think I watched Meet the Press that day." Because watching Meet the Press is a lot like talking to Tim Russert, because he's so darn folksy and accessible. We can see how Libby became confused. Though if he's that forgetful, he probably shouldn't be working at the White House anyway.