MONDAY, JUNE 18 We got a whole lot of gab going on this week, so let's get right to it! NEWS FLASH! Paris Hilton knows how to write! The jailed heiress is making the most of her time in the clink, responding to each of the 5,000 (claimed) fan letters she's received since her 23-day incarceration began. E! Online procured one of Paris' handwritten responses, and it goes like this (try to imagine the "i's" dotted with hearts—works better that way): "The fact that you took time out of your day to write me truly means the world. Especially at such a difficult and scary time in my life... the letters I'm receiving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell, sad and alone. Love always, Paris Hilton, XOXO." (By the way that "XOXO" at the end is secret code for "I'll pay $100 million to anyone who can get me out of this hellhole NOW!") MEANWHILE... Guess who else may be joining Paris in jail? Why, it's her old on-again-off-again pal and Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie! The skinny star procured a DUI back in December 2006, and has been ordered to stand trial on July 11—she could receive up to one year in jail. If she does do time, it's doubtful she'll serve in the same prison as Paris, since Nicole is skinnier than the bars in the cell. Authorities should just slip her into a paper towel tube and call it a day. MEANWHILE... Speaking of DUIs and jail terms waiting to happen, our old pal Lindsay Lohan is back in the gossip rags again, this time with depressing news: She has officially cancelled her 21st birthday bash at Las Vegas' posh PURE nightclub! Her press peeps are claiming that she is "focusing on her recovery 100 percent"—but what about the present we've already bought her? What are we supposed to do with a case of Aquafina bottles filled with vodka?

TUESDAY, JUNE 19 We're not exactly sure why Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign wants to link itself to the mafia—but as comedian Yakov Smirnoff likes to say, "What a country!" Clinton had asked supporters on her website to help choose a musical anthem for her 2008 campaign, and to announce the winning song, she posted a video spoof of the final scene from the series finale of The Sopranos. (No, we don't get it, either.) Wait—maybe she was trying to say that the final Sopranos scene was confusing and disappointing, and we can expect the same from her campaign? Whatever. Like the formerly interesting HBO show, it makes our head hurt too much to think about it. What's that? She's chosen Canadian singer Celine Dion's song "You and I" as her anthem? OW! Here comes another migraine! MEANWHILE... Today in Paris Hilton gab, the New York Post alleged that NBC has "agreed to pay as much as $1 million for Paris Hilton's first after-jail interview." Because... well, you know... she really needs the money! Apparently, ABC was first in line to snag the interview thanks to Hilton's parents' ties to Barbara Walters, but NBC Universal boss Jeff Zucker swooped in and convinced Paris' dad that one million dollars could really help his daughter get back on her feet. We mean... seriously! When she gets out, how is she EVER going to find a job?!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20 While NBC and ABC were comparing the size of their checkbooks, E! News host (and American Idol zombie) Ryan Seacrest snagged the first Paris Hilton IN-jail interview. Yes, she called collect. "In a way, I'm really glad this happened, because it changed my life forever," Hilton told Seacrest—without once asking how Sanjaya is doing! "I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about," she added, without any regard for sentence structure. And then came the complaints: "I'm claustrophobic, and my cell is really small... the food in here is absolutely inedible and horrible," she said. Buck up, little prison camper! We're sure the million bucks NBC is planning on paying you for the first post-jail interview will buy a couple cans of sardines or something. (Just curious—how much does Ryan pay?)

THURSDAY, JUNE 21 Poor ABC! Today the network ran blubbering to the New York Times because they couldn't afford the million smackers it would take to snag the Paris Hilton post-jail interview. Sorry... they were "unwilling" to pay the million smackers. Big difference. As it turns out, however, now NBC is denying they're paying for the interview at all. According to NBC News spokeswoman Allison Gollust, "NBC News does not pay for interviews—never have, never will." We suppose that's technically true... however, the Times goes on to say that high-price offers are often made for "production materials" such as photos or videos of the celebrity in question. So Paris could be getting a million buckaroos for a fourth grade picture of herself, and doing the interview out of the goodness of her heart. THIS JUST IN... Sources inside NBC claim that after the New York Times story ran, the network killed the interview with Paris Hilton. We would've too—who wants to pay a million dollars for a picture of an ugly fourth grader?

FRIDAY, JUNE 22 Move over, K.Fed and Britney Spears! You thought you had the "Most Depressing Celebrity Couple" title all sewn up, didn't you? NOT BY A LONG SHOT. Today it was revealed that former movie star Eddie Murphy fathered a child with former pop star Melanie Brown... AKA Scary Spice! (In related news, Britney's nine-month-old, Jayden James Federline, was more than happy to give up his title of "Most Unfortunate Child Cursed with Completely Ridiculous Parents.") MEANWHILE... After ABC and NBC "declined" to pay a million to millionaire socialite/jailbird Paris Hilton, CNN's Larry King swooped in to conduct the first post-jail Paris interview. Here's hoping a newly tatted-up Paris will wax nostalgic about beating fellow prisoners in the laundry room, fermenting pruno in the toilets, and making bitches out of dirty rats before she shivs (shanks?) Larry right between his stupid suspenders.

SATURDAY, JUNE 23 It's time for your weekly OBAMA UPDATE! While speaking to members of the United Church of Christ, presidential contender Barack Obama said that religion has been used to drive Americans apart. "Faith got hijacked," Obama said, "partly because of the so-called leaders of the Christian right, all too eager to exploit what divides us." Exactly, Barack! (Isn't he dreamy?) Luckily, Obama has found a way to bring us together again: Official Barack Obama Ringtones! Unveiled on barackobama.com, the ringtones feature sound bites like "Hi, this is Barack Obama!" "We can have universal health care in this country!" and—our favorite—"O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" The ringtones also feature what teens today call "phat hiphop techno beatz," and they might very well be the worst idea in the history of presidential campaigns. (That said, it's so cute our Blackberry Pearl now chants "O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" every time our masseuse calls.)

SUNDAY, JUNE 24 Speaking of how O-ba-ma! is going to be our next president, John Edwards keeps trying to convince us (and himself) that he might be a valid 2008 presidential candidate. (We hear he and loveable hobbit Dennis Kucinich meet for mochaccinos to keep each other's spirits up.) But while Edwards waffles on gay rights—saying that he has an "internal conflict" about gay marriage—his wife Elizabeth has the guts to say what she thinks. "I don't know why someone else's marriage has anything to do with me," she said, kicking off San Francisco's gay pride parade. "I'm completely comfortable with gay marriage." Her husband, however, is still "very conflicted," and "has a deeply held belief against any form of discrimination, but that's up against his being raised in the 1950s in a rural southern town." While we wait for John to grow a spine, here's an idea—Elizabeth Edwards in 2008! If only she had a ringtone....