MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14 Here's a headline we've only dreamed of reading, but it's true: "Paris Hilton Attacked by Monkey!" According to Femalefirst.com, the socialite/TV/porn star was viciously attacked by her own pet monkey while shopping for lingerie. That's right: former Chihuahua pal Tinkerbell was given the heave-ho months ago, and her replacement, a younger, skinnier pooch has now been replaced by an exotic kinkajou—which sounds like a Japanese cartoon character, but in actuality is a rare relation to the raccoon. Whatever it is, it looks like a monkey, and when Paris was shopping for obscenely priced underpants at posh LA shop Agent Provocateur, her chimpy pal (named Baby Luv) finally snapped under the pressure of being owned by Paris Hilton and began clawing and biting the star's face. What caused the monkey to go all Tyra Banks on Paris? It could be any number of reasons: Paris dating asshole/layabout Stavros Niarchos, Paris starring in that Carl's Jr. commercial, Paris refusing to forgive Nicole Richie for playing the DVD One Night in Paris on the night Hilton was guest hosting Saturday Night Live. Or it could be because TINKERBELL PAID HER. Remember, Paris—"nobody puts Baby in a corner." MEANWHILE... AND NEWS FLASH! This just in! The California Department of Fish and Game is ordering Paris Hilton to hand over her pet monkey, Baby Luv! Apparently, the laws in Cali are pretty strict when it comes to transporting exotic animals across state lines (Baby Luv was purchased in Las Vegas—probably along with a couple of homeless people that Stavros could hunt on his private island), and Paris' pet is what's known as a "restricted species." When told she would have to leave Paris, Baby Luv said, "Awwww, really? I was really looking forward to scratching that bitch's eyes out again."

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15 It's time for all the nation's magazines to put aside reporting on national hunger, avian flu, and the protracted war in Iraq, and focus on something REALLY important: Like awarding the SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR. People magazine departed from their yearly tradition of awarding Brad Pitt to give the sexiest man award to professional hillbilly Matthew McConaughey—which is great if you like your men with washboard abs and only 32 percent of their original teeth. However, America's gayest men's magazine (besides Maxim) GQ made an extremely bold move this week by awarding their top "Man of the Year" award to... Jennifer Aniston?!? According to the magazine, Jen was chosen for this great honor because she showed a tremendous amount of poise, grace, and good humor after being dumped by Brad Pitt—and... maybe because she has a bit of a horse face? C'mon, people! You know it's true! JENNIFER ANISTON IS A MAN!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Rumors are flying that former pop princess Britney Spears is once again climbing on the baby train, with the intention of getting impregnated by hubby Kevin Federline sometime next year—mainly because it'll take that long to get him off the couch. Ka-ZING!! Somebody wake Kevin up and tell him he got BURNED. Double-Ka-ZING!! MEANWHILE... Even though no one has asked them, the readers of supermarket tabloid theStar have overwhelmingly voted to advise Britney to divorce Kevin Federline before he ruins her life any further. A whopping 65 percent think Britney should dump the cad as opposed to the 20 percent who think Kevin loves his wife. (SNORT! Yeah, right!) While 91 percent agree that Kevin has been bad for Britney's image, here's the most surprising statistic: An overwhelming 98 percent of Star readers are wondering if Kevin is going to eat the rest of that bag of Cheetos, and if he isn't, can they have them?

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Though Democrats excel in being spineless when it comes to standing up to the Bush Administration, Representative John Murtha (D-Pa.) showed a tremendous amount of backbone today when he called for an immediate US military withdrawal from Iraq. "It's time to bring them home," said the decorated Korean War and Vietnam veteran. "Our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency... The war in Iraq is not going as advertised. It is a flawed policy wrapped in an illusion." Unsurprisingly, Murtha's speech was met on Capitol Hill with a bit of testiness. "They want us to retreat," boo-hooed House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) referring to not only Murtha, but all Democrats, "They want us to wave the white flag of surrender to the terrorists of the world." Apparently while inferring that Murtha is a coward, Hastert forgot that the Representative is the recipient of a Bronze Star as well as two Purple Hearts, as well as an authority on national security issues whose advice has been sought by Republicans and Democrats alike—including Vice President Dick Cheney. Nevertheless, Republicans continued their slagging of this national hero. "It would be an absolute mistake," said Rep. David Dreier (R-Calif.), "and a real insult to the lives that have been lost [to back out now]." A recent polling of 2,000 American soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq tend to disagree, noting that if the US had pulled out earlier, many of them wouldn't be so dead.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18 When the story first broke that Russell Crowe heaved a telephone at an unhelpful hotel employee, some people thought the ensuing legal trouble might hurt his image. These people did not take into account the fact that everyone in America has wanted to—at some time or other—hurl whatever was handy at a customer service professional. Besides, what kind of jackass doesn't do everything humanly possible to help Russell Crowe telephone his wife in Australia? What, you're too busy to explain about "dialing nine to get out"? It's just too much trouble to gaze into Russell's crinkly blue eyes, place your hand on his big ape paw, and be there for him in his hour of need? He's an Oscar winner, for Christ's sake. It's not like we're talking about Paul Walker here. Luckily there are levelheaded, Gladiator-loving prosecutors out there, and they struck a deal with Crowe today allowing him to plead guilty to misdemeanor assault and avoid jail time. He will have to avoid getting himself arrested for one year (impossible!) and pay $160 in court fees (highway robbery!). His wife accompanied him to court for his guilty plea. So he won't have to call her later. Which is a start.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Former dirrty girl Christina Aguilera, in her most transparent cry for public attention to date, married record executive Jordan Bratman today. Mmmm... no one cares, Christina. We still love Britney more. Even when she's fat and married to Cheeto Face. Christina and Jordan threw a two-day lavish extravaganza in Napa Valley while claiming they wanted to keep the ceremony as private as possible. Yep. Nothing says "we don't want attention" like a white Rolls Royce Phantom. The approximately 130 guests (including Justin Timberlake) were asked to donate to the Katrina relief effort. We don't know much about disaster relief, but really, what are Katrina victims supposed to do with a bunch of French coffee pots and Crate and Barrel gift cards?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Dreamy Jake Gyllenhaal's rocky relationship with ugly Kirsten Dunst appears to be officially in an "off" phase. Star magazine reports that on Ellen DeGeneres' November 10 show, Jake presented Ellen with a giant bouquet of roses for her 400th episode, and announced: "I'm single." Oh, honey. You know Ellen's GAY, right? That's just embarrassing.