MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21 Whoo! Whooo! Look out Portland, here comes the One Day Gossip Train—and its caboose is full of wagging tongues spewing gossipy gab direct from Hollyweird! Note to Christina Aguilera: In a battle with Britney Spears, YOU CAN NEVER WIN. Even though the marriage of Christina to new hubby Jordan Bratman was the talk of the town last week, leave it to Britney to swoop in and steal her thunder. Take a gander at this week's People magazine, and you'll witness the horrid truth: Britney's Thanksgiving pictures of baby and Kevin dominate the mag's cover, squishing poor Christina's nuptials to the upper right-hand corner. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! Christina is by far the better singer (just ask the guy who synchs up Britney's lip-synching). And even though Britney walks around restaurants sans shoes, smokes like a fiend, and gobbles down Cheetos as if she were a stockholder in the company, Christina is still accused of being trailer trash. And now People is giving preference to Britney's apple-headed offspring? We're telling you, Christina just... can't... win. This is probably why she raised the white flag this week, calling a truce to her and Britney's centuries-old feud. Reportedly it started when Christina allegedly slept with former Britney beau Justin Timberlake back in 2003. The "dirrty" singer is said to have sent Britney a peace offering, claiming she wants to be "friends." Says Christina, "It's been quite a journey for both of us. We've just ended up in different places in our lives." Uh, yeah! Britney's on the cover of People, and you're picking your nose up there in the corner! Get with the program, Christina, and claw the bitch's eyes out!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22 In case you were wondering if there's anything more annoying than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes having a baby. The crackpot duo have been going techno-crazy over their parasite fetus, actually going as far as purchasing their own sonogram machine to keep a constant eye on the wiggling embryo. Cruise admitted what could have easily been a $200,000 purchase in an interview with Barbara Walters. "I bought a sonogram machine," Cruise bragged. "I'm going to donate it to a hospital when we are done." Ummm-hmmmm. As if any hospital would accept a piece of machinery covered with Scientology cooties. Meanwhile... According to the Daily Dish, Katie Holmes was recently tossed out of a movie theater on her pregnant rear for annoying the shit out of audience members with a mysterious "buzzing device." Apparently built to soothe the future fucked-up child of Cruise and Holmes, Katie held the buzzing thingy up to her tummy for the entirety of the film—until she was finally asked to leave. "People don't care that she was a star," said one irate moviegoer. "They just want to see the movie." And by the way, people... that buzzing thing? It's called A VIBRATOR. And it's rude to use one of those in a movie theater as well.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Sex abuse! It's all the rage, with two big sexual abuse stories making today's headlines. Creepy creepo and accused pedophile-on-the-lam Gary Glitter has been picked up by Vietnamese police for allegedly having sex with two underage schoolgirls, who have accused the aged rocker of paying them $9.90 (American) to stick his icky penis inside of them. Now what he did was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG... but couldn't he at least have rounded it up to 10 bucks? Meanwhile... Closer to home, a 25-year-old Florida female teacher has pled guilty to having sex with a 14-year-old student. For her crimes, Debra Lafave will serve three years of house arrest and seven years of probation, as well as losing her teaching license. According to the (some say lucky) boy, the relationship began as the teacher and her student got to know one another on their way back from a class trip to SeaWorld (insert any number of fish-related jokes here). The teacher reportedly told the boy that her marriage was in trouble (Boy! We'll say!), and went on to have sex with the young man in her classroom, in her townhouse, and once in a vehicle being driven around by the boy's 15-year-old cousin. What's that? Oh... Hubby Kip would like us to point out that the teacher is "smokin' hot." Note to God: Why did you let us marry a man who's jealous of a statutory rape victim?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Happy Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Umm-hmmm... that's very interesting. Well, Arabic television station Al Jazeera is thankful that President Bush didn't bomb the shit out of them. On Tuesday, England's Daily Mirror reported they had learned of a top-secret memo stating that Prime Minister Tony Blair had talked Bush out of bombing the Middle Eastern news station—presumably because the President believes Al Jazeera sides with Iraqi insurgents. Naturally, this news made Al Jazeera a tad nervous. "If the report is correct," said the station in a statement issued today, "then this would be both shocking and worrisome not only to Al Jazeera but to media organizations around the world." Wait. You mean like us? What do we have to worry about? We've never said a single mean thing about President Bush, and... whoops.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25 In another blow to the institution of marriage (how many more can it TAKE?) Nick and Jessica announced that they were separating, and secondarily, that they had been LYING TO OUR FACES for the last several months. "After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," the two announced in a joint statement released by their publicists. "This is a mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other." This is a slightly different take than Jessica has in the December-January issue of Teen People, in which she yammers: "Hopefully mine and Nick's story will continue for the rest of our lives, like what we vowed, through sickness and in health." Maybe by "story" she meant Nick & Jessica: The Bitter Divorce. We would so watch that.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26 What did you do over your Thanksgiving holiday weekend? We spent the day touring quake-devastated areas in Pakistan. Oh, wait! That wasn't US! That was Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. We were seeing how many cubic inches of leftover mashed potatoes we could shovel into our mouth (57). Who does humanitarian relief work on a holiday? The answer is: ADULTERERS. It's the guilt. It fuels their better instincts. The October 8 quake killed an estimated 86,000 people and destroyed the homes of more than 3 million in Pakistan, and aid camps are expected to be flooded as villagers flee their mountain villages before winter's onset. Jolie urged all adulterers to give what they could before winter sets in. You know who you are.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Two inmates are still on the loose today after Friday's jailbreak from the Yakima County Jail. Nine inmates escaped by—get this—tying bedsheets together and using them to slide down the roof. Who would have ever seen THAT coming? This is why they shouldn't let prisoners watch reruns of The A-Team. Five of the fleeing jailbirds were netted before they'd made it off grounds, and two were caught on Saturday. That leaves two at large (a man who is accused of killing his half-brother and a man who is charged with assault). All half-brothers in the area are advised to be on alert.