MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Here's your latest gab from One Day at a Time—or as it's more commonly known, "the column designed to ruin Tom Cruise's life." Upon hearing our startling revelation last week that Tom Cruise had purchased a very expensive sonogram machine so he could spy on the wriggling fetus in Katie Holmes' belly, radiologists around the globe have been going bonkers. According to officials at the American College of Radiology (ACR), Tommy-boy has no business tinkering with such a technically advanced device—and not only is it dangerous for the baby, it's ILLEGAL. "Untrained people, even if they have financial means, should not buy, or be allowed to operate ultrasound machines," huffed and puffed Dr. Carol M. Rumack. "If it is not medically necessary, the use of ultrasound raises unnecessary risk to the fetus. The ACR is concerned that Tom Cruise has been badly advised regarding the use and potential abuse of ultrasound." When we wondered aloud about what could be a potential abuse of ultrasound, our hubby Kip replied, "Well, I would definitely ultrasound my butt." No wonder it's against the law. MEANWHILE... If you've been wondering what to get Tom and Katie for their wedding, the kooky twosome are registered at Neiman Marcus. We won't bore you with the full registry details, but if money is an object, may we suggest the cheapest item on the registry, a Ralph Lauren face cloth (at $6.99). However, if you can afford it, go ahead and splurge on the Jean-Louis Coquet coffee pot (at a whopping $430)! Hmm... and how much are total hysterectomies going for these days?
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29 Speaking of marriages-gone-wrong, the upcoming divorce of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey has hit a snag—because the blonde bombshell never signed the prenup. According to Access and TMZ.com, Lachey had the documents drawn up before they were hitched in '02, but Simpson allegedly refused to sign. At the time, this was no big deal, since both of their careers were on the skids—but since Jessica's recording and film career has exploded to the same degree that Nick's has imploded (he's estimated to be worth a paltry $5 million), Jessica may have to give him half... of her $45 million. Ka-BOINGGG! Not so lucrative to be a dumb blonde now, is it? MEANWHILE... And speaking of money, rap star 50 Cent is looking to expand his fortunes to at least a buck 50—by releasing his own line of condoms and sex toys. Says 50 to GQ magazine, "I need to make a 50 Cent condom, and a motorized version of me. A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. But I don't know how big. I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo. But I want to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women." THANK YOU, 50 CENT. You are truly "the woman's friend." Maybe he'll run for president of the National Organization for Women.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30 Washington, DC was all abuzz today over the prospect of President Bush actually coming up with an exit strategy for getting out of Iraq—and while there's a name for the plan, unsurprisingly, there really isn't a plan. Speaking in front of a room full of enthusiastic, but obviously drugged military, President Bush presented his document entitled, "Our National Strategy for Victory in Iraq." The President promised to eventually move out of Iraqi cities, while reducing the number of patrols and bases. However, he presented no timeline for when this would happen. Said the prez, "Many advocating an artificial timetable for withdrawing our troops are sincere—but I believe they're sincerely wrong." Ka-ZING, liberals! Still, it would be nice if President Bush (as well as Tom and Katie) would just quit jerking everyone around and pick a date. After all, 2,100 American service personnel are already dead, and no one wants to buy that Ralph Lauren face cloth if we're not sure the marriage is gonna stick.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1 Congratulations to Jennifer Garner (who, with a little help from Ben Affleck's seed) gave birth to a baby girl today by the name of "Violet." Us Weekly was the first to report the expulsion from Garner's vaginal canal, and pointedly noted that Affleck "was with her the entire time." Which means... what? He wasn't out getting drunk or playing poker in Vegas? Good for you, Ben! MEANWHILE... You know, whenever one baby arrives, God takes another baby away—and this time, it was Paris Hilton's baby monkey. As reported two weeks ago in One Day, Paris' pet kinkajou Baby Luv was spotted scratching Paris' eyes out in a posh LA underpants store. Upon hearing the news, the California Department of Fish and Game leapt into action and confiscated her monkey—as it is against state law to possess exotic animals. According to femalefirst.com, when the authorities took Baby Luv away, Paris "broke down and sobbed." (Apparently, Paris had her heart set on turning Baby Luv into a handbag.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2 The internet was abuzz today with news that Jennifer Aniston and her ne'r boyfriend Vince Vaughn were nearly arrested for being nearly intoxicated. The smokies reportedly pulled the couple over for a "minor traffic infraction" in Scottsdale, Arizona. Note: Do not have minor traffic infractions in Scottsdale. After pulling the non-dating duo over, the cop noticed an "odor of alcohol" in the car. (Turns out it was just Vince's hair spray—"nose-hair spray," that is.) The police then asked Vince to take a breathalyzer... and he AGREED! Vince, baby, if you're going to take Jen out, you're going to need to start traveling with a lawyer. Then he went and passed it! We know! It turns out that, while he'd had a little bit to drink, it was not enough to make you drunk in Scottsdale. The smokies told Vince not to drive and the couple was spirited off by friends who were following in a car behind them. (Were these the lawyers?) In any case, it seems that Jen and Vince had just spent Thanksgiving weekend at a spa. That's gotta be the best part of being a celebrity; no one expects you to go home for the holidays.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3 Meanwhile, HUGE NEWS: Brad Pitt is seeking to adopt Angelina's international tots. The Associated Press reported today that a legal petition had been filed in Los Angeles to change the children's names to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Hmmm. We wonder if this proves they're dating?
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4 Some people have gotten the idea that we're actually rooting for Britney and Kevin to break up. To set the record straight, we would never, never wish a divorce on anyone. However, if their marriage were to end, we might dance around in our bra and panties. And hello? Skid City. The proof? Entertainment Tonight reports that Kevin is in the doghouse. (That is, if Brit's doghouse looks like the Beverly Hills Hotel.) The important thing is that Brit kicked Kev out of the couple's Malibu home. One too many Cheeto stains on the white sectional, we're guessing. Publicists are mum, and friends claim the couple will weather the storm. Our take? This relationship is kaput. Time to pay a visit to the undie department at Target. (C'mon... who wants to dance around in dirty underwear?)