MONDAY, DECEMBER 5 Look out, world! Global warming is melting the polar ice cap, which means there's a tsunami of gossip comin' straight from Hollyweird! Our first article of business: Is Britney calling it "Splitney"? According to the waggy tongues of the tabs, former pop idol Britney Spears is this close to calling it quits with skanky layabout hubby Kevin Federline. FINALLY! We mean, c'mon, Britney! It was like inviting a homeless person to live in your mansion! Our cat Mr. Scratcherson does more work around the house than K.Fed ever did! Says a snoopy pal, "Britney has given Kevin a lot of space, but he's taking advantage and doesn't seem to care. She's called in the lawyers because she's had enough." But that's not the half of it! Two days before, Brits allegedly kicked K.Fed off the couch and out of the mansion, because his "weedman" kept hanging around the house and baby Sean Preston. Kev was forced to check into the posh Beverly Hills Hotel (poor Kevin!) to serve his penance—and what did he reportedly do? Stay up all night partying! Probably with this Mr. Weedman person! And then... THEN... Britney got REALLY mad and had Kevin's $173,000 Ferrari 360 Modena towed away, before jetting off to Las Vegas. "He loves his car almost as much as he loves Britney," claimed a gabby pal. "He was devastated when he heard she'd sent it back to the dealer." Horrified that he may never see his precious Ferrari again, the lout hopped a plane to Vegas to beg for forgiveness... and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, to get his car back. Britney was touched—then infuriated—causing her to send her legal team into action. WILL Britney go through with the divorce? WILL K.Fed get his beloved (car) back? And WILL baby Sean Preston kill himself as soon as he's able to pull the trigger on a gun? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of The Princess, the Pauper, and the Pooper.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6 If it's not too much trouble, someone should explain to Saddam Hussein how the justice system works. The deposed Iraqi dictator had a tough day in the courtroom, and after a woman complained of being tortured by Hussein's agents, he flipped out, vowing never to return to court. Speaking about being tortured at the hands of Hussein agent Wadah al-Sheik, the woman—16 at the time of her arrest—said, "I was forced to take off my clothes, and he raised my legs and tied up my hands. He continued administering electric shocks and whipping me and telling me to speak." Apparently unmoved by the woman's testimony, Hussein turned the conversation back to himself, screaming that HE was the one being tortured—by the Americans. "Does anyone ask Saddam Hussein whether he was tortured... hit?" the dictator blustered, while complaining that he had been deprived of shower and exercise facilities. He then turned his ire to the judge, saying, "This is terrorism! I will not return. Go to hell! I will not come to an unjust court." Who can blame him? The courtroom doesn't even have a Bowflex.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7 Note to self: No more nude sunbathing within two miles of our house! Poor equine-featured Jennifer Aniston (notice we didn't call her "horse face"?) and her legal team fired off a series of threatening letters to nearly every tabloid in the world, warning them NOT to publish any recently taken photos of Jen's naked boobies (this does not include the boobies she's already shown on the cover of GQ). Apparently well-known paparazzo Peter Brandt snapped some saucy pix of the dumped starlet while she was sunbathing topless in her backyard. "She's the one who went out there topless," Brandt the victim-blamer said. "I didn't go looking for it. When I saw her come out topless, I go, 'Oh, God, this is not what I want, this is not what people want to buy anyway.'" RIGHT. Why would ANY self-respecting tabloid want pictures of a semi-naked celebrity? Oh, that's right... THEY'RE NOT SELF-RESPECTING. The lawyers claim Brandt was using "powerful telephoto lenses" and was sitting "more than one mile away from Ms. Aniston's home" when he took the pictures. Jeez! If Brandt wanted them that bad, why didn't he just buy satellite photos from the government?
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 At least according to the White House, two federal air marshals acted correctly when they shot a bipolar passenger dead at the Miami Airport. The agitated passenger was apparently off his medication when he hopped out of his seat and ran down the plane aisle screaming that he had a bomb. Witnesses state the man's wife was frantically trying to explain that the man was only acting irrationally because he had a psychological condition and had forgotten to take his meds. When the man reached for the bible in his backpack, the marshals both fired, killing him instantly. Today, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, "These marshals appear to have acted in a way that's consistent with the extensive training they have received... lessons learned will be applied to future training and protocols." That's right, bipolar people! If you know what's good for you, stop being so bipolar!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9 Those Boston boys. They're such gentlemen. They always marry the girls they've knocked up. Take Ben Affleck. Five months ago, amid rumors of pregnancy, Ben and girlfriend Jennifer Garner got hitched, then immediately released the happy news that she wasn't just getting fat. Thank GOD. Today, amid rumors of pregnancy, Matt Damon married his girlfriend, Luciana Bozan, and then released the euphoric affirmation of his impending Damon spawn. "Who the hell is Luciana Bozan?" you ask. She's a bartender. We know! That's one barmaid who hit the jackpot! And this, ladies, is why you should always look your best whenever you leave your apartment.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10 Well, they're finally going to nail Prince Charles for allegedly having Di bumped off. The Associated Press reported today that Scotland Yard interviewed the taciturn man-prince last week about the letter, produced by Diana's former butler, in which she reportedly wrote, "My husband is planning 'an accident' in my car, brake failure and serious head injury—to make the path clear for him to marry." Charles married Camilla last April. Awkward! Apparently Lord Stevens, the head of the British inquest looking into Diana's "accident," met with Chuck for several hours. No word on what they discussed but you can bet that a tartan cape and magnifying glass were involved. Poor Charles. You know he's just a tool for the evil Queen. They always are.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11 And speaking of evil queens, Alec Baldwin says that his ex, Kim Basinger, is trying to manipulate their daughter Ireland with chocolate. Who would ever, ever think of using chocolate as a weapon of seduction? Baldwin accuses Basinger in court papers of bribing their 10-year-old with chocolate bars that feature manipulative messages emblazoned on their wrappers. Exhibit C reads: "To my daughter Ireland, who gave me the strength, courage, and tenacity to stand up for myself... Mom." That bitch! As any reader of Celebrity Fucked-up Child Quarterly knows, Baldwin and Basinger are in an ongoing custody battle over Ireland. And if history has shown us anything, those wars over the Emerald Isle never go well. (You guys should have named her Toronto.)