2005: "TROUBLE IN PARADISE"
If three words can sum up celebrity relationships in 2005, it would be "Trouble in Paradise." Check these out, the rockiest relationship stories of the past year!—Ann Romano
MONDAY, JANUARY 10 The marriage of Tinseltown royalty Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston is now officially in the shit-pile. Frankly speaking, we blame Brad for what our mother used to call clearly "marrying below his station." But why did Brad and Jen's marriage take the first exit to Splitsville? RUMOR #1: Jen refused to get knocked up. Brad has been hankering for a house load of tots, while Jen is said to be concentrating on her virtually nonexistent movie career. But listen to the far more exciting RUMOR #2: Jen overhears Brad and Angelina Jolie engaging in "phone sex!" According to News of the World, Jen was suspicious of the pair's relationship during their film Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and decided to listen in on one of their many phone calls. Says a sneaky source, "I don't know if Jen accidentally picked up the phone... either way she went ballistic." And finally, the even more logical RUMOR #3: Brad married well below his station! C'mon! You know as well as we do, Mama is always right!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Fading pop-tart Britney Spears is on the serious skids with hubby Kevin "Ice, Ice Baby" Federline—and after only five months of marriage! According to Life and Style Weekly, it's Kevin's refusal to pick up dog poop that's giving Brit second thoughts! "It has occurred to Britney that Kevin isn't a great deal of help in cleaning up after the dogs (Bit Bit, Lacy Loo, and Lucky)," said the snoopster. Obviously there's only one way to save this tenuous marriage—Bit Bit, Lacy, and Lucky must file for emancipation.
TUESDAY, MAY 24 Today E! Online quickly posted—and even more quickly YANKED—a story declaring that dullard pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey had gotten a divorce. The story, entitled "Jessica Simpson Goes Solo," was posted on the entertainment website at 2:20 pm, and within 45 minutes disappeared faster than one of Nick's CDs tumbling off the top 40. "E! has confirmed that Simpson filed for divorce Tuesday in Los Angeles Superior Court," read the report, before E! realized it wasn't confirmed at all. But what's worse than having your credibility besmirched? Having to apologize to Jessica Simpson! Both Nick and Jessica accepted the entertainment site's apology, and promised fans they would not be getting divorced until Thursday at the earliest.
THURSDAY, JUNE 23 Apparently, pop singer/dumb blonde Jessica Simpson isn't a slut after all! The marginally talented songstress has been accused of bedding down skateboarder Bam Margera, after Bam's dad told a radio station the two had "slept together." But according to Bam, his dad misinterpreted the term "sleeping together" and he and Jessica had merely "fallen asleep on the couch"... together... in her mansion... while hubby Nick Lachey was in Sweden. It's easy to see how Bam's poor stupid father could've become confused.
MONDAY, JULY 18 British hottie Jude Law is guilty of giving a "banger" to the family nanny! As reported last week in One Day, the star of Closer was caught being a bit too close to 26-year-old Daisy Wright—the caregiver to one of his children—an action which subsequently busted the heart of fiancée/ British "It" girl, Sienna Miller. "There is no defense for my actions," said a red-bummed Law in a public apology to his gal pal. Regardless, Daisy Wright (who we've been calling "Nanny 9-Yum-Yum!") has been in a constant state of bean spillage, gabbing every last horny detail to England's Sunday Mirror. According to Daisy the two shared a bottle of wine, and began "snogging." "The next thing I know, we are dragging each other upstairs to his bedroom, kissing and then, ripping off each other's clothes." Unfortunately for the lustful Limeys, someone was watching... "I heard the door open and [Jude's child] was looking at me in bed." Whoopsy! But you know, it could have been worse. Had it been Michael Jackson's house, the kid would've been invited along for a threesome. Ka-ZING!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5 Hunky has-been Nick Lachey (hubby to Jessica Simpson) has been accused of tonguing a 19-year-old coed. Young Danielle Calo told Star magazine that Lachey met her at a high school football game (ewww, already!), took her back to his hotel room, and gave her a good ol' fashioned tongue lashing—with his actual tongue. "He was a really good kisser," alleged the gabby teen, "soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me." Unsurprisingly, a representative for Nick and his tongue insisted, "this story is completely untrue." However, Star counter-insisted that Calo passed a polygraph test. Jessica jumped to her hubby's defense claiming, "Nick's tongue is innocent—but don't ask me to take that polygraph test. I haven't studied polygraphs since junior high geometry."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 Even though no one asked them, the readers of theStar have overwhelmingly advised Britney to divorce Kevin Federline before he ruins her life any further. A whopping 65 percent think Britney should dump the cad as opposed to the 20 percent who think Kevin loves his wife. (SNORT! Yeah, right!) While 91 percent agree that Kevin has been bad for Britney's image, here's the most surprising statistic: An overwhelming 98 percent of Star readers are wondering if Kevin is going to eat the rest of that bag of Cheetos, and if he isn't, can they have them?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25 In another blow to the institution of marriage, Nick and Jessica announced they were separating, and secondarily, that they have been LYING TO OUR FACES. "After three years of marriage, we have decided to part ways," the twosome said. This is a slightly different take than Jessica had in an issue of Teen People, in which she yammered: "Hopefully mine and Nick's story will continue for the rest of our lives, like what we vowed, through sickness and in health." Maybe by "story" she meant Nick & Jessica: The Bitter Divorce. We would so watch that.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29 The upcoming divorce of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey has hit a snag—because the blonde bombshell never signed the prenup. According to TMZ.com, Lachey had documents drawn up before they were hitched in '02, but Simpson refused to sign. At the time, this was no big deal, since both of their careers were on the skids—but since Jessica's career has exploded to the same degree that Nick's has imploded (he's estimated to be worth a paltry $5 million), Jessica may have to give him half... of her $45 million. Ka-BOINGGG! Not so lucrative to be a dumb blonde now, is it?
MONDAY, DECEMBER 5 According to the waggy tongues of the tabs, Britney Spears is this close to calling it quits with skanky layabout Kevin Federline. Brits has allegedly kicked K.Fed off the couch and out of the mansion, because his "weedman" kept hanging around the house and baby Sean Preston. Then Britney got REALLY mad and had Kevin's $173,000 Ferrari 360 Modena towed away, before jetting off to Vegas. Horrified that he may never see his precious Ferrari again, the lout hopped a plane to Vegas to beg for forgiveness... and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, to get his car back. Britney was infuriated and sent her legal team into action. WILL Britney go through with the divorce? WILL K.Fed get his beloved (car) back? And WILL baby Sean Preston kill himself as soon as he's able to pull the trigger on a gun? Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of The Princess, the Pauper, and the Pooper.