MONDAY, JANUARY 2 Though winter is here, baby batter is still in the air—in particular, the baby batter of the world's most perfect genetic specimen, Brad Pitt. The naughty tongues of Hollyweird are in full "wag" mode over recent reports that a Pitt/Jolie wedding is right around the corner, to be quickly followed by a baby hopping out of Angelina's "vagilina." According to Britain's Daily Mirror, in order to become a co-adopter of Angelina's current brood (Maddox and Zahara), he's been petitioning the courts and swearing up and down he has every intention of making an "honest" woman out of Jolie. HA!!! FAT CHANCE. Says lawyer Evan Schaeffer, "Under American law, [adoption] normally doesn't take place unless there's already been a marriage. Thus it's reasonable to infer that a marriage is around the corner for Brad and Angelina." But don't worry! In between legal wrangling, Brad has obviously found time for some sexual wrangling as well, as reports are beginning to pop that Jolie is beginning to show a "pregnancy bump." Ugh. We really hate that phrase; always reminds us of genital warts. ON SOMEONE ELSE, OF COURSE. Something else that creeps us out is two so-called genetically "perfect" people like Brangelina having a baby. You just know something's going to go wrong, and the kid will have teeth growing out of the back of its head. Or ACNE! Whichever's worse.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3 After a virtual drought of decent Lindsay Lohan gossip, the teen screen queen is back on the tip of our tart tongue. Too bad the news is so unfortunate: Lindsay's back in the hospital suffering from what's been called a "massive asthma attack" which was reportedly so severe it burst a blood vessel in her neck. EWW! Glad we weren't standing next to her. Though the Mean Girls star may be convalescing, at least she'll have an interesting magazine to read—i.e., this month's Vanity Fair in which Lindsay admits to dabbling in drugs (not coke, she was quick to add), and suffering from bulimia! We all recall those pictures from last year, where Lindsay looked like a stick of gum, and at the time denied all charges of an eating disorder. However, in the Vanity Fair interview, she 'fessed up to her bulimic struggles, including vomiting to keep her weight down. "I was sick," the once again luscious Lindsay said to VF. "I had people [including SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels (!!)] sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself.'" Wow! We mean, it's bad and all, but you have to admit having Lorne Michaels show up at your intervention is pretty freaking awesome!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4 And in the realm of TRULY unfortunate news, officials today struggled to come to grips with a mining disaster that killed 12 West Virginia miners, and left one barely clinging to life. The actual cause of the blast that trapped the workers underground, leaving them vulnerable to poisonous carbon monoxide, is at this point unknown. Meanwhile, the families are furious with the company who previously told them their loved ones were still alive in the mine. According to those in charge, a rumor from a garbled cell phone transmission spread like wildfire throughout the community, inspiring jubilation among the families who were gathered in a church awaiting news of the miners' fate. Three hours later, when a mining official broke the news that all were dead except for one in critical condition, the families exploded in fury, with reports of one relative lunging for the official and having to be wrestled to the ground. "There was no apology. There was no nothing," said Nick Helms, a son of one of the dead miners. As of press time, the lone survivor, Randal McCloy Jr. is suffering from an unknown amount of brain damage, and is still clinging to life.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 5 Hey Portland! You're fatter than last year! Or so says Men's Fitness magazine which released their annual list of the nation's "fittest" cities. Last year, we ranked a healthy number six, and have since dropped to a bloated number 17. Even those pompous health-crazed windbags in Seattle got a thrashing, dropping from #1 to a simply embarrassing #8. Who took their place in the top spot? BALTIMORE. Naturally, the announcement of Baltimore being named as America's fittest city was met with more than a little skepticism, seeing as how the entire city is dipped in cheese and deep fat fried. It's even more surprising, considering that Baltimore jumped to its current spot after only last year being named #25 on the magazine's "fattest city" list. Baltimore's mayor Martin O'Malley (great name!) claims no surprise, explaining it thusly: "Baltimore is a paragon of urban renewal. You see neighborhoods starting to grow again, and attracting younger people. With those younger people coming, there's a number of gyms now. In every growing neighborhood, you look for two leading signs—one is a gym and the other is a Starbucks." You hear that, Portland? If we want to get back on the list of top 10 fittest cities, we need to start replacing those bike lanes with Starbucks. Stat!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 6 Asthmatic invalid Lindsay Lohan may have more than a burst blood vessel, a crappy dad, and an eating disorder to worry about. Rumors ran rampant today that the recovering bulimic may be about to gain a lot of weight (the pregnant kind!). According to PageSix.com, a friend of Lindsay's was photographed delivering a bag of goodies to hospitalized LL that included: playing cards, mouthwash, Coca-Cola, a box of Cocoa Puffs, AND a pregnancy test. How did star gawkers know what was in the bag? Because the bag was CLEAR plastic. Note to Lindsay: Get some smarter friends. And an abortion.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 7 What's hot for 2006? Medically induced comas. First, rescued miner Randal McCloy Jr. was placed in one; then Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon jumped on the bandwagon. This much is clear: Medically induced comas, which "allow the brain to rest," are the spa of the new millennia. Need to check out for a few days? Regroup? Have some time to yourself? Just get yourself placed in a supervised, totally safe, medically sound coma. Just remember to let your family know what kind of music you want played at your bedside. Because the default is Metallica.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8 If you're reading this from inside a meth lab, you know that the once thriving meth industry in Oregon is going the way of the state's timber industry—i.e., tanking. You'd think the governor would be interesting in protecting this tender manufacturing segment, but last year the state took the industry's main ingredient (cold meds with pseudoephedrine) and put it behind the counter, making it harder than ever for tweakers to get their fix. Now, more bad news. According to the Associated Press, the number of methamphetamine labs found in Oregon dropped by more than half last year. Meth cooks, who once looked forward to a job for life, are now being forced to leave the state to look for employment. Some of these meth cooks used to work in the timber industry. Can't you even imagine how demoralized they are? It's time our governor started taking care of ALL Oregonians, and stopped catering to anti-drug special interests.