MONDAY, JUNE 25 Ladies and gentlemen, this long national nightmare has finally ended. Paris Hilton is out of jail! Free at last, free at last—thank Paris Hilton's lawyers, she's free at last! Actually, as "releases" go, this one was pretty uninspiring. Hundreds of paparazzi stood by the prison gate as Paris strode purposefully to her mom and dad's Escalade and drove away. We suppose we should be thankful that Paris has paid her debt to society—but does anyone else get the feeling this was more of a coke... we mean, "speed" bump to bigger, more obnoxious things? Hey, CNN's Larry King agrees with us, who scored the first post-prison interview with Paris, and was NOT impressed with the results. As King lobbed softball questions at the heiress, Paris boringly knocked them aside, giving up only a few juicy quotes, such as: "I don't think I deserved to go to jail for [my crime]," and confirmed that she was subjected to a strip search. "It was the most humiliating experience of my life. It's pretty gross taking your clothes off in front of someone." Tell us about it! And we never even saw One Night in Paris.
TUESDAY, JUNE 26 Stories don't get much creepier than this one: Today it was reported that WWE wrestler Chris Benoit asphyxiated his wife and his seven-year-old mildly retarded son, this weekend, before hanging himself. The bodies were found in Benoit's Fayetteville, GA home, and it appears that he murdered his wife on Friday night, and perhaps watched a WWE performance with his son (while sending the occasional text message to friends) on Saturday, before killing the boy in his bed. A Bible was found next to both bodies. Benoit—who has been accused of taking steroids—then reportedly hung himself in the basement. When asked what the possible motive could've been, Fayette County District Attorney Scott Ballard said, "When you're talking about the death of a seven-year-old boy, what motive could there be?" Now, we could stop there, shudder, and move along, but then something was revealed that made this story even creepier. Fox News reported that an anonymous Wikipedia user had posted the information of Benoit's wife's death—an entire 13 hours before the bodies were discovered. CREEPY! As it eventually was discovered, however, the user in question had learned of Benoit's failure to show at an earlier WWE performance because of a "family emergency," made a wild guess that his wife had passed, and printed it as fact. The person later apologized. Are we to assume, then, that we CAN'T believe everything we read on the internet?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27 Obviously not content to let Paris steal all of her precious tabloid headlines, gossip warhorse Britney Spears came roaring back to the front of the pack today. According to TMZ.com, not only was her entire stay at the Promises rehab facility "bogus," but she's supposedly served her mother with an alleged restraining order to ensure mom stays away from her kids! WOW! Now, that's what we call a "comeback." Maintaining that she had "emotional" problems, rather than troubles stemming from alcohol and drugs, sources say that Britney felt railroaded by her manager, mom, and former hubby K.Fed into the Promises rehab clinic. As proof, Britney allegedly lobbied to get copies of the drug test she took upon entrance to Promises, and apparently it proves she was clean at the time. This could explain why former manager Larry Rudolph was given the boot, and her mother was allegedly served with today's restraining order. Sigh. We wish we could fire our mom. While she's never sent us to rehab, she continues to suggest that reading fashion magazines all day and writing a gossip column "isn't a career." Where can you buy those restraining orders, anyway?
THURSDAY, JUNE 28 More rehab news in a moment, but first? A visit to the One Day at a Time "Sports Desk." Someone just slipped us a piece of paper that says, "Local pro basketball team, the 'Blazers,' have chosen their number-one pick, Greg Oden." Well, we suppose that's just fantastic. But how do you think that makes the number-200 pick feel? Nobody likes to be picked last, fellas. Remember that next time you're choosing sides. MEANWHILE IN THE FAR MORE IMPORTANT WORLD OF GOSSIP... Not content to let Paris Hilton and Britney Spears fritter away all the space in this column, Lindsay Lohan is back in our purview. Remember her early morning car crash on Memorial Day? The one were she was allegedly drunk, had a bag of coke in the car, and scurried off to Promises rehab? Well, those snoopy spies over at TMZ.com have reportedly laid their slimy hands on the toxicology report, and guess what it allegedly said? That Lindsay was drunk (twice the legal limit) and had traces of coke in her bloodstream. Naturally her lawyers deny the charge, and... you know what? If it's wrong to pick Greg Oden over those 200 other basketball players, we're going to pass over our number-one pick to see what a lesser celebrity is doing today... like Tara Reid. Remember her? Well! Today, Tara allegedly woke up late, had breakfast at a middling Hollywood bistro, picked up her dry cleaning... and... and... okay. Now we see why the Blazers picked Greg Oden.
FRIDAY, JUNE 29 The much-ballyhooed iPhone came out today, sending dweebs, spazzes, dorks, geeks, and nerds into spasms of techno-delight. Lines stretched around entire city blocks at some Apple stores, with some nerdlings fighting each other for the right to pay $400-500 for a phone that also allows you to surf the internet, listen to music, and take pictures. (Just FYI, when you sign the service contract, you also have to promise the bloody, still-steaming heart of your firstborn son to Steve Jobs. Apparently, it's totally worth it.) But after waiting in line for days to get their hands on the revolutionary device, nerds across the country quickly realized they had no friends to call. Each of them then locked their now-useless purchase in a desk drawer, wiped away a single tear, and logged back on to World of Warcraft.
SATURDAY, JUNE 30 This weekend, terrorists attempted several attacks in the United Kingdom. Yesterday, two crude car bombs failed to detonate in central London, while today, two men attempted to drive a flaming Jeep Cherokee into a terminal at Glasgow airport, "shattering the glass doors and sparking a raging fire," according to the Associated Press. Theories swirled as to the terrorists' motives, with some suggesting the attacks resulted from anger over Britain's role in the Iraq War, while others saw the attacks as a test of Britain's new prime minister, Gordon Brown. Another possible motive? Al-Qaeda is trying to stop England from releasing the next Mr. Bean movie. Now, we'd never say that al-Qaeda is right, or that terrorism is ever, ever justified, but... well, we'll put it this way: Thanks a lot, Mr. Bean.
SUNDAY, JULY 1 Conservatives and liberals agree on exactly one thing: Nobody likes Hillary Clinton. But despite the fact that there's an extremely handsome and charming candidate who everyone loves (Barack Obama, who also happens to be really smart), it's pretty obvious that Clinton (who everyone knows is an opportunist shrew) will be the Democratic presidential candidate in 2008... right? Wrong! "Just when Washington insiders were beginning to think of Sen. Hillary Clinton's nomination as inevitable, here comes Sen. Barack Obama to shake up that assumption," CNN reported that in the last quarter, Obama has raised $32.5 million for his presidential campaign, compared with Hillary's $27 million. "Obama's record-breaking fundraising numbers signify that the candidate is, indeed, a phenomenon." CNN continued, "Hillary Clinton is creepy and unreliable and may or may not be a witch, and really shouldn't be supported by anyone, especially when the alternative is so charming, handsome, and smart." Okay, so maybe CNN didn't really say all of that. But that doesn't mean it's not true.