MONDAY, JANUARY 16 Bringing the gift of gab, it's One Day at a Time with the latest tongue-waggy tales from Hollyweird! Let's go to press: The mysterious courtship of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt continued this week, when Brad successfully filed to have his name plastered onto Angelina's adopted kids. According to E! Online, Jolie attorney Evan Spiegel told a frothing group of reporters outside the Santa Monica Courthouse, "[The adopted kids] names are [now] Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Jolie-Pitt." When asked if this meant Jolie-Pitt were going to marry, Spiegel did something no lawyer has ever been able to successfully accomplish: He shut his mouth. How could a judge allow something like this to happen? Brad Pitt can't just cavort around Hollywood, making Jennifer Aniston look like a horse-faced asshole, and then plug his name onto any adopted kid willy-nilly! HE IS NOT A GOD! Okay, maybe he kinda is, but he's a god that must be stopped! MEANWHILE... Capitalism got a black eye today when Angelina Jolie's sonogram was put up for bid on eBay—and was just as quickly ripped down by the powers that be. Bidding reached as high as $500 when the eBay muckety-mucks prematurely yanked the posting. Now, we're not ordinarily conspiracy theorists, but we're telling you there's only ONE REASON a picture of Brangelina's baby would be taken down so quickly—the little freak has two heads!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 17 Supreme Court puts the smackdown on Bush administration! (Enjoy it while you can.) In what will probably be known as the last Supreme Court decision that will go our way for a very long time, the high court ruled 6-3 that former Attorney General John Ashcroft's play to put Oregon's assisted suicide law out of business was unconstitutional. See, Ashcroft was all like, "Physician-assisted suicide is not a legitimate medical practice under the Controlled Substances Act and prescribing such lethal medication violates federal law!" But then the Supreme Court was all like, "Ashcroft's directive is both unlawful, and unenforceable, and the attorney general has overstepped his authority." And then Ashcroft was all like, "CURSE YOU, Supreme Court! I'll get you and your little judicial activism, too!" At which point, he disappeared in a puff of smoke, and probably descended back into the slimy feces-encrusted sewer from which he arose. And the freedom-loving citizens of Oregon were all like, "Cool."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18 Tragedy struck today in Hollyweird, when it was revealed that America's sweetheart Reese Witherspoon was spotted at the Golden Globes—wearing the same exact dress Kirsten Dunst wore three years ago! Even worse, the champagne-colored Chanel creation was presented to Reese as a "vintage dress"—which would be true, if you counted anything from 2003 as "vintage." And while Reese's publicist tried to downplay the snafu saying, "The big deal is Reese won the Golden Globe," in actuality the "big deal" is that Reese wore the same dress as Hollywood's worst and ugliest actress—plus, she now has Dunst cooties! Send your response to that statement to email@example.com. MEANWHILE... TV star/socialite/porn actress Paris Hilton has been accused of urinating on herself in a cab. Maui taxi driver Harden Jamison told the National Enquirer that he picked up the allegedly shit-faced socialite (and greasy boytoy Stavros Niarchos) following a party, and that she was too drunk to notice she had wet herself. Jamison mopped up the mess with towels and vowed to use the cloths (which are dripping with Paris DNA) to prove his accusation—obviously forgetting there are those who would happily pay big bucks to buy the urine-soaked towels on eBay. Just ask Angelina Jolie. MEANWHILE... Failed actress Meg Ryan is planning on purchasing... we mean "adopting" a Chinese baby. Brad Pitt has already filed papers to have the adopted child renamed Chen Zidong Jolie-Ryan-Pitt.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 19 A conservative alumni group has been offering students $100 to record their teachers lessons in order to "expose the most radical professors" at UCLA. The ultra-right wingers of the Bruin Alumni Association have also posted a list of the "dirty 30" UCLA instructors on their website, naming any teacher who espouse what they consider to be a left-wing point of view. The scheme is the brainchild of UCLA grad Andrew Jones who said he is out to "restore an atmosphere of respectful political discourse on campus," and adds that he is "concerned solely with indoctrination, one–sided presentation of ideological controversies, and unprofessional classroom behavior." After learning of the scheme, the university contacted Jones and warned him that his actions were encouraging students to violate school policy, and that each instructor held a copyright on their respective teaching materials. On the flip side, if more young Republicans attended classes of any kind, the world might be in a slightly more advantageous position.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 20 Big Brother (AKA your government) wants Google to turn over a list of all requests entered into Google's search engine during an unspecified single week. That's right. All those searches you thought were private ("Farrell sex tape," "Pitt foreskin," "Patrick Dempsey 100 percent buck naked") might not have been as anonymous as you thought. Google, you will be happy to hear, has so far refused to comply with a White House subpoena first issued last summer. But this week US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales asked a federal judge for an order to hand over the requested records. Why does the government care how many times you Google yourself? Supposedly the records will help them go after kiddy porn sites. We're no IT guy, but isn't it possible to sort out the "hot wet four-year-old" searches from "Vicodin online no prescription" or "donate money to ELF" searches? Sometimes it almost feels like the government wants a blank check to violate our civil liberties or something. In the meantime, watch what you type into those search fields, kids. Because, of all the search engines that the feds demanded records from, Google was the only one that balked.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 21 The whale who wandered into London's River Thames looking for a quiet place to meet his maker, only to be ripped from the water, strapped to a barge, and ferried about in front of thousands of onlookers, got the last laugh today. It suffered convulsions and died. No word on whether Sir Elton John will be writing a song about the 15-foot-long northern bottlenose tragedy. We'll keep you posted!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 22 Russia has accused four British diplomats of spying. Isn't that sweet? (Apparently, the Russians don't know that the Cold War is over.) Russian TV showed footage today of the Brits allegedly engaged in cloak-and-dagger activities in Moscow last year, using electronic equipment concealed in a rock in a city square to receive intelligence information provided by Russian agents. First of all, Russia—no one cares. You're not a world power anymore. No one is watching you. We're all a little busy installing our electronic-equipment-rocks in the Middle East. There's a war on. Maybe you've heard about it? Do you really think that anyone gives a hoot what goes on in Moscow? We don't even have a Moscow clock in the war room anymore, so if you ever do attack we'll have no idea what time it is there. "Oh, the British are spying on us! Blah, blah. Boo hoo." Get over yourself. Though we do admit it's a tad suspicious that one of the diplomats you've accused is named Marc Doe.