MONDAY, JANUARY 23 SEXALICIOUS! That's the word of the week dripping off all the tongues of Hollyweird! Let's dish the scoop: Remember carrot-topped American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken? And remember how you always said, "That guy's just gotta be gay?" Well, we'll never tell—but we will say that if Clay is gay, he's got perfect taste in man-meat. The National Enquirer dropped the bomb this week that Clay went homo for the holidays when he allegedly hooked up with an ex-Army Ranger just before Christmas. Soldier boy John Paulus spilled the beans to the Enquirer, claiming Clay sent him an instant message on December 16, using the screen name "valleyprettyboy." The two then allegedly met up at a sleazy North Carolina hotel, and took a long, hard trip up bareback mountain—after which Clay asked him to be his "secret boyfriend!" (We love that part of the story—it's so sweet!) According to the Enquirer, not only did Paulus pass a polygraph test, he also claims to have indisputable proof of his sexcapade with the American Idol singer: a washcloth dripping in Clay's DNA! (Ugggh. Okay, that information should've fallen under "don't ask, don't tell.") MEANWHILE... In "dirty grandpa news," uber-TV producer Aaron Spelling—who created such tube-tastic megahits as Beverly Hills, 90210, Melrose Place, and Charlie's Angels—has been accused of sexually harassing his live-in nurse. The accuser, Charlene Richards, alleges that the 82-year-old Spelling placed his hands on her breasts, "groin and genital area," asked for oral sex, and masturbated in front of her. (Quite a performer, for an old guy.) Though Spelling's reps voraciously deny all charges, Richards also accused him of sticking his withered tongue in her mouth, and then bragged that many of his former actresses would "come into his office and perform oral sex on him." REALLY?? Was it Heather Locklear? Alyssa Milano? C'mon, just give us a hint. SHANNEN DOHERTY. Whom else could he be talking about?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24 Fans of hard-boiled cinema are mourning the passing of tough guy Chris Penn who died last night of seemingly natural causes—he was tipping the scales at 270 pounds, after all. Though probably best known for his menacingly comic performance as Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in Reservoir Dogs, Chris will always hold a fond place in our heart for his portrayal of Willard Hewitt, the goofy hillbilly sidekick to Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Heaven just got a new, fat, dancing angel. MEANWHILE... In news somewhat less shocking than Clay Aiken might be gay, the White House has been blocking administration officials from answering questions about the government's sloth-like response to Hurricane Katrina. According to senators leading the investigation, some officials have even flat-out refused to be interviewed at all. The Bushies excuse? "Protecting the confidentiality of presidential advisers." Especially those advisers who were too busy sipping martinis to give a shit.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25 The National Enquirer is at it again! Only a week after we reported that the alleged sonogram of Angelina Jolie was ripped off the eBay auction site, the Enquirer put the goddamn thing on their cover! (That should have been on the front page of the Mercury, and everyone knows it!) The grainy photograph, which was listed as "Angelina Jolie's 4-5 month fetus sonogram picture," is proof positive, according to Enquirer editors, that Brangelina will be having a boy. Meanwhile, Brad's handlers are calling the sonogram "a hoax. I'm not going to tell you how I know, but I'm very comfortable in saying it's not their baby." Ah-HA! So you're saying it's Jennifer Aniston and Brad's baby? (You can tell because it's face looks all horsey.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26 One thing you don't want is to get on the bad side of Oprah Winfrey. And this is exactly what happened to author James Frey today, when Oprah ripped him a new one on national TV. Frey is the author of A Million Little Pieces, an Oprah Book Club selection, supposedly about the author's true experiences in the world of drug addiction. Only problem is, an investigation on the Smoking Gun website exposed Frey's "true" story as largely bullshit. Frey has since admitted that he embellished some of the instances in his book (an understatement if there ever was one), and Oprah even backed up his story on Larry King Live. However, after more and more of the book's lies began to surface, Oprah backpedaled on her support, and today, in front of a live audience, she let Frey have it. "I feel duped," she said to the flustered author. "I feel really duped." The audience shared their feelings as well, gasping and booing as Frey confessed his sins. "I don't think it's a novel," sputtered Frey. "I think it's a memoir." Oprah countered, saying, "It needs to say 'based on a true story.'" Regardless, proving once again there's no such thing as bad publicity, as of today, Frey's fake "memoir" shot to the top five books on amazon.com.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27 TheCSI shows are such an inspiration. David Caruso's stilted moral superiority. Marg Helgenberger's Botox work. But did you know that the CSIs also inspire criminals? Quick: What do you use to clean up a crime scene? If you said "Duh, bleach," then you are halfway to getting away with double homicide! CSI fans do it all the time! A 25-year-old fan allegedly killed a mother and daughter and used bleach to get the blood off his hands. He covered the inside of his car with blankets to avoid getting blood on the seats. He burned the bodies, his clothing and removed his cigarette butts from the crime scene. Then he tried to toss some evidence into a lake, including a crowbar used to bludgeon one of the victims. But the lake was frozen. D'oh! (He must watch CSI: Miami.) Investigators recovered the evidence on the frozen lake, and the fan was indicted this month on two counts of aggravated murder, aggravated burglary, and other charges. If only he'd watched Law & Order.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28 Sigh. "Baby Jessica" is a woman now. Only 18 years ago, she captivated the country when she fell into an eight-inch pipe in her Texas backyard and rescue workers spent 58 hours (on live TV) attempting to rescue her. Now she's 19—which in Texas is getting a little ripe. But no worries! She found true love just in time, and got hitched today to a 32-year-old man at a church outside Midland. Baby Jessica is the second most famous person from Midland; the first is our own President George W. Bush. But alas, by the time he got to town, he was big enough to avoid the city's open pipe system.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29 Poor ABC. They finally name two shiny new anchors to fill Peter Jennings' shoes and what happens? One of them gets blown up. Reporter Bob Woodruff, who along with Elizabeth Vargas was recently named an anchor of World News Tonight, went "boom" in Iraq today, along with his cameraman. Woodruff was in serious but stable condition after surgery at an American military hospital. But in addition to broken ribs, he suffered head lacerations, and you know what that could mean: facial scarring. ABC, our thoughts are with you. And your entire shareholder family.