MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Like buckshot to the face of a Dick Cheney hunting buddy, One Day peppers the world to find the latest and greatest gossipy gab! After years of preaching the gospel through his inexplicably popular rock band Creed, a video was released on the internet this week depicting lead singer Scott Stapp receiving oral sex from a female fan. And even worse? Kid Rock is receiving it, too! Eww, ewww, and EWWW! The sex tape, acquired by porno label Red Light District, is said to "feature Kid Rock and Stapp partying and receiving oral sex from several of their groupies while touring six years ago." We viewed a 45 second preview of the tape, which indeed depicted a disciple of the religious rocker "worshipping his staff," while he grimaced at the camera and said, "It's good to be King." OH BOY! God is NOT going to be happy. (And neither, presumably, is Stapp's NEW WIFE who he just married Friday. Turns out he wasn't a virgin after all!) MEANWHILE... Every year we ask ourselves, "How will Madonna reinvent herself this time?" How about as an old woman wearing a hernia belt? The "Maternal Girl" developed a hernia after her gyrating performance at last week's Grammy Awards. And though her reps claim she's already back on her feet and bugging the employees at the local Kabbalah Center, hernias are really gross. According to WebMD.com, a hernia "occurs when a tear forms in the abdomen muscles" and can lead to "part of the stomach or intestine bulging through the hole." EWW! AGAIN! Even worse, we're imagining the protruding intestine looking like Kid Rock! EWW! EWW!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, COME ON. Things could be worse. Like it's going to kill you to have to return those crotchless panties your hubby bought from Victoria's Secret? (BTW, we're a size SIX, Kip—not a size SIXTEEN.) At least you're not poor Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes who once again had to defend their sham of a relationship—wait, did we say "sham"? We meant to say, "glam"—against Life & Style magazine, who accused the couple of taking the express train to Splitsville! According to L&S, T&K have called off the wedding, and "will keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby's birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home—though sleeping in separate bedrooms—through the summer." If true, talk about a Mission: Impossible! "It should be known that the story is 100 percent false," said TomKat publicist Arnold Robinson. "Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family." Yeah... just like Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15 As reported last week in One Day, V.P. Dick Cheney went off half-cocked and shot hunting buddy Harry Whittington right in his big, fat Republican face. But as it turns out? That lead-pellet facial took a trip southward when one of the shots journeyed to Whittington's chest, causing him to suffer a mild heart attack. First, Whittington sticks his face in front of Cheney's firing gun, and then worsens matters by having a heart attack? What is he trying to do? Ruin Cheney's career? However, after much bellyaching from the press, Cheney finally agreed to make a (nearly) tearful confession in an exclusive interview with the always-unbiased Fox News. That would have been the end of matters if it weren't for one teensy-tiny (and icky) detail. According to Sirius radio's Alex Bennett, the long delay between shooting Whittington and reporting it to the press is due largely to the time it took the Secret Service to hide or spin Cheney's FEMALE hunting partner Pamela Willeford—the ambassador to Switzerland and Liechtenstein. Rumor has it that MRS. Cheney "isn't happy with Cheney's close relationship with Willeford." We're not happy about it, either. Because the thought of Dick Cheney tongue-kissing Willeford just made us throw up in our mouth.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16 Ugggh! We're getting so tired of hearing about celebrities' illicit romances! (But we'll keep gabbing about it because we're sick like that.) Last week it was pudgy pop star Nick Lachey canoodling with Simpson gal pal Cacee Cobb, this week it's former wifey Jessica Simpson hopping in the hay with Maroon 5 hunky-chunk Adam Levine. According to In Touch Weekly, the singing stars have been holed up and loudly cavorting in Hollywood's posh Chateau Marmont—so loudly in fact that the hotel's staff had to ask them to keep the racket down. Wouldn't it be great to have the staff of the Chateau Marmont follow Jessica Simpson around all the time, hushing her? "We are soooo sorry to disturb, Ms. Simpson, but your version of 'These Boots are Made for Walkin" is despicable. Please be quiet." Or maybe, "Ms. Simpson! Yes, again we apologize for any intrusion, but if we see you flapping your collagen-injected lips in another Pizza Hut commercial, we will be forced to sew your jaws shut. Oh. And tell your sister to be quiet as well."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Three cheers for in vitro fertilization! A 62-year-old California woman gave birth today to a healthy bouncing baby boy, via C-section. (Perfectly understandable; when you get that old, the vagina gets a little dry.) It all went smoothly considering the woman is diabetic and a great-grandmother. The woman, who now has birthed an even dozen, wanted to have the baby so her 3½-year-old (also in vitro) would have a buddy. She is one of the oldest women in the world to successfully convince her withered uterus to hold a kid for nine months. Now, we're all for old movie stars and models having babies into their 40s and 50s, because they gave up their fertile years to entertain us. But that California woman? If she needs something to put an outfit on, how about a pet Chihuahua?
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18 We love McDonalds because they are willing to shit on anyone. Rainforests, cows, vegetarians, environmentalists, clown protection groups. Just a few years after getting flack for tricking Hindus into eating cows (they figured a sprinkle of beef on the fries wasn't worth mentioning), Mickey Dee's is at it again, this time giving the finger to children with allergies. It turns out those fries have a few more secret ingredients, including wheat and milk. (Figure that out.) Everyone who has ever stumbled past the wheat-free shelves at the super market knows that some people are allergic to gluten—which is found in wheat. And now there are at least three lawsuits that have been filed on behalf of people, including a gluten intolerant five-year-old, who became ill after eating the fries. Don't you love this? What other common allergens are they putting on the fries? Peanuts? Penicillin? Bees?
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Actor Daniel Craig, the new James Bond, will have to find a new place to hide his cyanide capsule. A fight scene for the movie Casino Royale went "horribly wrong," leaving him toothless and bleeding. Reports say Craig was in Prague filming with some "minor actors" when he got hit in the face. Don't panic, ladies, his London-based dentist has been flown in for some emergency caps, thank Christ. You certainly wouldn't want to use some Prague dentist for that. The production company has taken steps to prevent another blood bath, ordering Craig to wear a gum shield during all future action scenes. Based on the name, we can only suppose this is something like a dental dam. Kind of makes you miss Sean Connery, doesn't it?