MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Providing ooey-gooey, rich and chewy gossip that's a leading cause of mind decay, it's One Day at a Time with the latest gab from Hollyweird! And what would a week be without at least one report of Lindsay Lohan losing her virginity—for the bazillionth time. But before we travel down that tawdry road, teen queen Lohan is once again trying to reinvent herself in the media by telling gossip whores such as ourselves to stop calling her "teen queen." "I hate it when people call me a teen queen," said the teen queen in the latest edition of Allure magazine. And as for the reports that she suffered from bulimia, the teen queen adamantly denies all charges... kind of adamantly, anyway. "I will say that I went through a phase," TQ said to Allure. "I lost weight when I was in the hospital, and then I wanted to keep it off. Sometimes being that thin doesn't look healthy. I kind of didn't realize that." So... okay. She's not bulimic—she's just bulimic-ish. All we know is if sandwiches were boys, Miss TQ would be fatter than Chris Penn on his deathbed. Without a doubt, Lindsay is the "date-iest" gal in Hollyweird, being romantically linked with a litany of Tinseltown royalty, including Colin Farrell, Joaquin Phoenix, Jude Law, Wilmer Valderrama, Jared Leto, Benicio del Toro, perhaps Bruce Willis, Bryan Adams, Ryan Adams, and this week? Match Point star Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who was spotted rooting around Lohan at NYC's posh Spotted Pig. But she didn't stop there, because later on she was sighted sharing an "intimate night" at NYC's Bungalow 8 with Olympic snowboarder Shaun White. WHOOO! Looks like somebody's going for the gold medal in herpes!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Some people just cannot take a hint. And by somebody, we mean Kevin and Britney. HINT #1: Kevin, when three-quarters of America tells you they HATE your rapping skills, you might want to consider going back to your day job of lying around on the couch, smoking ganja, and eating Cheetos. And yet? "If my [upcoming] album has even half that attention, watch out," Federline said to a disbelieving staff member of Newsweek. "Sure, there'll be the initial shock and awe, but they've already said so much shit about me, it can't get worse." WOW. He's like the Pollyanna of White Person Rap. HINT #2: Britney, while we think therapy is a great idea for you, bringing Kevin into it is like signing a dog up for opera lessons. According to Britain's The Sun tabloid, B.Fed are taking steps to extract their relationship from the rocks by engaging in marriage counseling. The two are supposedly seeing famed Hollyweird therapist Irene Kassoria—didn't she counsel Tom and Nicole?—to hash out their many problems, which include, but are not limited to: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and to a lesser degree, Kevin. As always, One Day wishes only the best for these crazy (literally) kids.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Vote tampering during the 2004 election is back in the news today—yes, that again. Bev Harris of BlackBoxVoting.org, which describes itself as a nonpartisan, nonprofit watchdog group, claims they discovered 70,000 instances of electronic voting machine screw-ups in Palm Beach County, Florida alone. "I actually think there's enough votes in play in Florida that it's anybody's guess who actually won the presidential race," Harris noted. "But with that said, there's no way to tell who the votes should have gone to." Naturally, the Palm Beach County election officials think the findings of BlackBoxVoting.org are "flawed," and that their system is perfect in every way. But who knows? Maybe we'll finally find out the truth in 2012. Until then, everyone with a "Bush in 2004" bumper sticker—please take it off your car. He won, and you look like a gloating asshole.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23 Word to the wise: Don't make Hugh Grant angry! The normally benign Englishman went completely nutter (crazy) when a snapper (paparazzo) wouldn't stop being a badger's arse (annoying). According to Ken Frydman of the Daily News, who witnessed the incident, Grant was being ragged (annoyed) by the photog even after being told to "bog-off" (leave him alone). Grant began taking his own pictures with his cell phone, calling him a "pussy" (vagina) and slapping the photog about the head and shoulders with a manila folder (manila folder). Still, the photographer kept on snapping. "You're invading my privacy," Grant yelled. "This is your last warning, you cunt (vagina)." This is when Grant went completely 'round the bend (nuts) and kicked the snapper in the rusty bullet hole (anus). Hey Hugh, ever consider that the paparazzo couldn't understand you? You have to admit, you sound like a doolally (even we don't know what this one means).
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Grandpa punk rockers the Sex Pistols are going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and everyone has one question on their minds: Will the raucous punk band attend? In a statement posted on the band's website, Johnny Rotten had this to say [adorable grammatical errors left intact]: "Next to the SEX PISTOLS rock and roll and that hall of fame is a piss stain. Your museum. Urine in wine. Were not your monkey and so what?" We know. It's hard to read, isn't it? They seem to be playing their cards pretty close to their chests. We probably won't know if they're coming until the last minute. "Were not coming," Rotten continued. "Your not paying attention. Outside the shit-stem is a real SEX PISTOL." So will they attend? Who knows! Your guess is as good as ours.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25 Okay. It's time for so-called "concerned citizens" to stop causing celebrities trouble. Has-been pop star George Michael was arrested today in London on drug charges after a passerby became concerned after spotting GM slumped behind the wheel of his car. Yes, wheel slumping might indicate foul play, suicide, drunkenness, stroke, or any other manner of maladies—but it might also indicate DROWSINESS or a very common form of CELEBRITY ENNUI. Unfortunately for GM, his passerby also happened to be a "concerned citizen" and he/she called the bobbies, who discovered that GM was in fact well, albeit unfit to drive, and promptly arrested him on suspicion of possessing drugs. (He just looked so cool and gay that they assumed he had some.) GM watchers will recall that their boy was arrested for lewd conduct in a public restroom in LA after being spotted by another "concerned citizen" who also happened to be an undercover cop. When will you vultures leave innocent celebrities alone?
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26 We love birthdays! They're so fun. And we always, always like to share in the special days of our celebrity friends. So Happy Birthday to you, Ariel Sharon! Can you believe that the comatose prime minister turned 78 years young today? (You look great, Ari, breathing tube and all.) What do you get a seriously ill and unconscious world leader? Sure, you could go the prayer-for-health-and-wishes-for-a-speedy-recovery route, but why not get him something he can use? Like a baseball cap from Jerusalem's Hadassah Hospital gift shop or a spa pedicure? Everyone loves pedicures. We sent him A Life That Matters: The Legacy of Terri Schiavo (we had to look everywhere for the audio book—apparently it's selling briskly). We almost went with "My Sharona" by the Knack... but that's on the Reality Bites soundtrack and we feared it might hit a little too close to home.