MONDAY, APRIL 10 Terror at Britney Spears' mansion! Last weekend, Brit roused hubby Kevin from his perpetual slumber on the couch to rush baby Sean Preston to the hospital after an unfortunate spill from his highchair. Doctors diagnosed baby Sean as the recipient of "a minor skull fracture and a blood clot," according to an alarmed Star magazine, and that would have been the end of that, except for one thing: Whenever a child is brought to the hospital with a serious injury, the Department of Children and Family Services is called! Oooooooh, Britney and Kevin are in trooooooouuubbbble! In fact, this is the SECOND time child welfare has dropped by the Spears' domicile, the first being the time Britney was driving around Hollyweird with Sean Preston on her lap. But instead of automatically blaming the paparazzi for their baby's cracked noggin, B 'n' K claim that Sean Preston was in the nanny's care when the accident occurred (AHEM!). Luckily for all involved (except Sean Preston) Brit and Kev have been cleared of any wrongdoing. "[Child welfare] immediately responded and determined there was no problem and no reason to open a formal investigation," said Spears' lawyer Martin Singer. "They determined that the parents weren't involved in the injury and nothing was improper within the home." WHOA THERE, NELLY! "Nothing improper within the home?" Sure, compared to THE ADDAMS FAMILY.
TUESDAY, APRIL 11 Today, Vice President Dick Cheney crawled out of his subterranean refuge (where he commands an army of mole people) to mix with the commoners at what they call a "baseball game." (BOOOO!) Unfortunately for Dick, as he strode out to the Washington Nationals' mound to throw out the ceremonial first pitch, the near sell-out crowd booed him. (YAYYYY!) It is also unfortunate that Vice President Cheney's pitch didn't quite make it to the catcher (BOOOO!), but it did eventually bounce across the plate. (YAYYYY!) Unfortunately for the three US servicemen—two of whom were wounded in Iraq and one wounded in Afghanistan—they were standing right next to the V.P., so they got booed, too. (BOOOO!) On the bright side, this incident really proves that people will even boo war heroes if they're standing within five feet of Cheney. So with that in mind, YAYYYY! for people who BOOOO! Dick Cheney, and BOOOO! for people who BOOOO! war heroes. That was a good story. YAYYYY!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12 More info on the "Paula Abdul Got Knocked Down at a Party, Which Gives Her a Great Excuse to Take Horse Tranquilizers" story [See last week's One Day at a Time]. Making an appearance on Jay Leno, Paula threw a tad more gasoline on the fire. "It is something very serious and I'm really not at liberty to talk about the details," Paula intoned. "I can say I was shoved down to the ground and I actually was knocked out unconscious, which means I saw stars, which therefore means I didn't see Simon Cowell anywhere." Countering that labored joke was the lawyer for the accused shover Jim Lefkowitz, who's calling Abdul's accusations "completely outrageous and utterly false." Sources also told PageSix.com that Paula "concocted the elaborate story to cover up her eviction from the club for drunken behavior." See? Just like Ryan Seacrest says, "If you don't want your favorite drunks to be sent home, you better call in and vote!"
THURSDAY, APRIL 13 This Zacarias Moussaoui guy is such a Monday morning quarterback. After a week of testimony from family members and survivors of the 9/11 attacks, confessed conspirator Moussaoui complained that while he thought the attack was generally a good idea, he hated the ending. Claiming to have wished for "more pain" upon everyone involved, he added that it would have been better if attacks had also occurred on "September 12, September 13, September 14... there's no remorse for justice." What a pill. No wonder everyone in al Qaeda (and America) hates him. Hey Moussaoui! When you get put to death, and finally meet those famed "40 virgins in the sky," you might want to remember one thing: Nobody likes a nag.
FRIDAY, APRIL 14 Today, The New York Times ran its last gossip column. The column, which irritated almost everyone with its snarky commentary and insipid royal "we" (we HATE that), was an experiment that never quite took. It turns out that The New York Times readership thought itself too fancy to engage in the proletariat ritual of celebrity voyeurism. Or one could blame the column's demise on the fact that it was incredibly lame. No one asked us, NYT, but if you HAD, we could have told you that a column full of gossip about Jews, painters, and Broadway actors might not have a broad appeal. Give us starlets, fallen idols, schadenfreude, and vice. Ideally, all in the same story. Good luck with all that investigative journalism and arts coverage (boring!)—guess your readers will have to look (ahem) elsewhere for gossip. At least Woody Allen can once again safely walk around Manhattan.
SATURDAY, APRIL 15 Poor Donald Rumsfeld can't catch a break. He says he's offered to resign at least twice and mean President Bush just won't let him. Try harder, Rummy! Today, as more and more retired generals lined up to declare Rumsfeld unfit to lead the military, Bush was all Rummy-love. He called Rummy on the phone to give him his full support. Later he released a strong endorsement of Rummy from his weekend vacation at Camp David. "I have seen firsthand how Don relies upon our military commanders in the field and at the Pentagon to make decisions about how to best complete these missions," Bush said. "Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation." He then started making French kissing gestures at the press pool camera, and then pushing his tongue along the inside of his cheek while making a stroking motion near his mouth with one hand.
SUNDAY, APRIL 16 Celebrity home wreckers Angie and Brad are reportedly considering having their baby in Namibia. As in Africa. Because why get the best medical care in the world just because you can afford it? Putting the welfare of the mother and baby first—that's something Jen might do, not Angie. Angie's thinking big. She's thinking Gross National Product. Just imagine the impact Angie's foreign delivery might have on a developing country. Think of the maternity tourism! She has her baby in Namibia, and (assuming the baby lives) Western women begin to flock there for their own African-style births. Hell, even if the baby doesn't live! It's cool! It's Angie. Namibian names become popular. Soon women start faking pregnancies to get Namibian visas. Namibia has to close its border. Pregnant American women are up in arms, demanding access to elite Namibian healthcare. The US attacks to protect our interest in their maternity infrastructure. The country crumbles. We occupy it. Angie gives birth to the next child in Oaxaca. Rinse and repeat.