MONDAY, AUGUST 6 Whooo! Whooo! It's the Britney Spears train comin' down the track, and... uh, oh. Isn't she taking that curve a little too fast? Look out, Britney, look out! Oh no, it's another celebrity TRAIN WRECK! Yes, it was another stellar week for the Britster, one that started out with a minor parking lot car collision (which she left without leaving a note), and was quickly followed by an Us Weekly magazine cover in which... well, here's the headline: "Topless, drunk, and lonely, Spears seduces a college student in a hotel pool as Kevin rushes to save his boys." While blatantly manipulative and at least partially untrue, this cover is FANTASTIC.The cover shot was taken by a pal of the lucky college boy in question, Matt Encinias (who looks amazingly like a hot Jim Carrey), a young beefy extra on the set of Brit's new video. After the shoot, Britney allegedly scooped up a handful of hotties and whisked them back to her hotel for a topless 2 am pool party. "Britney was the first one to undress, and then everyone else followed," the blabber-mouthed Encinias blabbered. "I turned around and saw that she was topless and she had fake tattoos of flowers on her nipples from the shoot." But before you accuse Encinias of being a complete meathead prick, instead of banging the "topless, drunk, and lonely" Britta, he chose instead to escort one of his wasted friends home. So much for his shot at being hubby number three. Regardless, kudos goes out to Us Weekly for that great cover. In a week of great headlines, "Topless, drunk, and lonely," reaches for and nearly exceeds all expectations. Maybe Brit will put it on her headstone.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7 Whooo! Whooo! Train wreck number two comin'! After keeping an extremely low profile after her drunken driving escapade in which she road-raged the mother of her personal assistant with a stolen vehicle filled with terrorized boys, Lindsay Lohan has finally resurfaced at a brand-new rehab—and in Utah of all places! The Cirque Lodge drug and alcohol center was voted one of the nation's top rehabs (ooo-la-la!), boasting beautiful mountain views, horseback riding, and Jacuzzis, and at one time treated both David Hasselhoff and Mary-Kate Olsen! Now, there's a pedigree! Of course, the only downside is that it's in Utah, where they have their own special kind of "alcohol monitoring bracelets" called "Mormonism." MEANWHILE... While LiLo sits in a Utah Jacuzzi soaking out all the alcohol in her system, her former bodyguard has been practicing some armchair psychology, placing the blame for all of Lindsay's problems squarely on the shoulders of mommy and daddy Lohan. Her personal protector for three years, Tony Almeida accuses Lindsay's parents of various acts of abuse, both physical and mental. Almeida claims he once had to step between Linds and her dad when he threw her up against a car and called her "a slut." And not only is Lindsay's mom Dina accused of turning a blind eye to her daughter's drunken behavior at the age of 16, she also allowed her to share a bedroom with underage boyfriend at the time Aaron Carter. "[Her parents] knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career." We all saw how well that turned out. But at least LiLo will now have plenty of time to practice her Mormon hymns.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8 Back on the Britney beat, ex-hubby and current freeloader Kevin Federline is allegedly drawing up court papers to get "primary physical custody of his two children." Umm... where does that leave the cute college boys from the hotel pool? Don't they have a say? MEANWHILE... In the most unreliable gossip tip of the week, Star magazine reports that Britney has accused her mom of sleeping with K.Fed. "Britney is so confused and angry," says a highly unreliable source, "she told [mommy] Lynne that she was so backstabbing, that she was probably sleeping with Kevin just to hurt her feelings." If on the off chance that this is true... Lynne? YOU CAN DO BETTER.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9 This week's theme of stupid moms and daughters continues with Paris Hilton and her stupid mom Kathy. When asked what was toughest part about seeing her daughter in jail, Kathy responded, "seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets." As we all know, prison linen is sub-par at best, and their sheets don't come anywhere near the 1200 thread count to which the Hilton gals have become accustomed. So when Paris returned home, Kathy gave her daughter "really soft towels, and really soft sheets and one of those really soft, cuddly blankets called 'my blankey,' and nice soft pillowcases." To finish the night, Paris gave a blowjob to Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear. (It's true... human penises can be so rough on the throat.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10 Today on NPR's All Things Considered, President Bush's new war advisor, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute, said that "it makes sense to certainly consider" a military draft. "I can tell you, this has always been an option on the table," Lute continued. (That sound you heard in the background? Every American between the ages of 18 and 25 driving at no less than 120 mph toward Canada.) Lute noted that, while an option, a draft wasn't currently being discussed, and that President Bush does not feel one to be necessary. That said—just for some light reading—helpful information on immigrating to Canada can be found at cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/index.asp. MEANWHILE... In his weekly radio address, President Bush announced that "Our new strategy [in Iraq] is delivering good results" and that there is "encouraging news" from the war-torn country. Phew. An interesting side note: According to the Associated Press, Bush's speech was recorded while he was on vacation "at his parents' summer home on the rocky coast of Maine." Unlike Iraq, the weather is so nice there now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11 So we bet you're wondering how Lindsay Lohan is doing in that Utah rehab! Well, let's look at two headlines! First, from the Huffington Post: "Lindsay Lohan Cleaning Toilets in a Rehab Run by Mormons." (Best. Headline. Ever!) Meanwhile, TMZ.com took the subtle high road: "Lohan—Cleaning Toilets 12 Steps at a Time." TMZ.com goes on to note that Lindsay is attending meetings and talking with psychiatrists , as well as "washing dishes, cleaning toilets, and doing laundry." THATREMINDS US... in an interview with The Advocate, sort of-famous actor Ryan Reynolds noted, "Hollywood is a place where if celebrities stumble or basically refuse to actually grow up, they're certainly not punished for it. They're actually celebrated for it." He also observed, "Now the goal is to only see celebrities fucking up. That's become the choice of a new generation." Indeed it has, Ryan! Now unless you're going to get drunk, steal a car, try to run down your assistant, and end up scrubbing out toilets at a creepy Mormon rehab center, we'll thank you to keep your boring mouth shut.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12 So remember that last election, when the Democrats took control of both the House and the Senate, and everyone was like, "Yes! Finally things are going to change!" And then remember how absolutely nothing changed? And how last week, Democrats kowtowed to Bush, approving a bill that allows American spy agencies to wiretap without warrants? Well, Democrat Senator Russ Feingold, who opposed the bill, figured out why his party lets all this happen. On Friday, Feingold told the New York Times that the White House has "figured out that all they have to do is start talking about an imminent terrorist threat, back it up against a Congressional recess, and they know the Democrats will cave." In other words, say the "t-word" to Dems, and their spines turn to jelly and their votes turn Republican! Can't wait to see how they vote on the draft.