MONDAY, MAY 29 Two CBS journalists were killed today in Iraq, making the Iraq conflict now the deadliest war for reporters in the past century. According to the Freedom Forum, 71 journalists have been killed in Iraq since 2003. That's compared to 63 killed in Vietnam, 17 killed in Korea, and 69 killed in World War II. In addition, 26 members of media support staff have also died covering the war in Iraq. As a member of the free press, we are very disturbed by this. But do you want to know what else is disturbing? Ben Affleck! He was rushed to the hospital today, and could have died! Poor, brave Ben was afflicted with a terrible migraine and his athletic and daring spouse Jennifer Garner sped him to Mt. Auburn Hospital in Cambridge. No word on whether she was wearing a wig. But we like to imagine her with a platinum pageboy, and in black leather. Ben was treated and released. Who else thinks he was looking for painkillers? Seriously, Ben. Just get them on the internet, like everyone else. In other news, CBS news correspondent Kimberly Dozier was hanging on for dear life in an American military hospital.
TUESDAY, MAY 30 In more terrifying medical news, Dame Elizabeth Taylor reported tonight that she is NOT close to death and/or suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. How is this possible? It defies everything we know about medical science. Elizabeth Taylor should be dead by now, period. The tabloids were certain that the wheelchair-bound, aged actress was on a rapid decline, and they are almost never wrong about these matters. Taylor refuted it all tonight on Larry King Live. "Am I dead?" she mused aloud. "Am I alive...?" See? Sharp as a tack!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 31 Okay, let's go over this again. Anne Heche is NOT a lesbian. Portia de Rossi IS a lesbian. It's so hard to keep track, as apparently Ellen DeGeneres emanates some Sapphotic sex ray, turning women gay at will. Ellen does look good in slacks. But we digress. Back when Anne WAS a lesbian, she dated Ellen, until Anne (temporarily) ruined Ellen's career, dumped her, had a huge mental breakdown, and married a guy. God, been there. You've got to feel for Ellen. Ex-lovers are awkward enough. Imagine having Anne Heche for an ex-lover. You simply cannot trust someone that bone-skinny. People who are clinically starving will betray anyone. They're operating on base survival instincts—they'll kill you to steal your gum. Anyway, Ellen and her new used-to-be-straight girlfriend Portia are chilling at the GQ Celebrity Poker for Peace Games (As an aside, isn't it funny how PR people have figured out that if they put "peace" in the name of something, celebrities show up? We bet if they held a Lamb Slaughter and Child Stabbing for Peace Festival, at least six celebrities would show up and five of them would be driving Priuses.), and who walks over but Anne and her hubby Coley Laffoon. We think that's even his real name. Ellen and Anne hadn't spoken since their break-up. And there Anne is, waltzing right up in front of everyone like she wants another hit of Ellen's Sapphotic sex ray or something. "Ellen's face was bright red," a source gushed to Us Weekly. "The group talked, catching up and chatting and sort of seeing where each other was at in their lives. After that they went their separate ways and didn't have much to do with each other. They were concentrating more on their poker games." Paris and Nicole, you could learn a thing or two.
THURSDAY, JUNE 1 Well, yet another illegitimate child of Prince Albert of Monaco surfaced today, reinforcing our growing suspicion that perhaps 5 to 10 percent of women who visit Monaco on vacation become pregnant with royal embryos. Fourteen-year-old Jazmin Grace Grimaldi's mother was a California waitress who met the Prince on vacation, got knocked up, and has been supported ever since. The Prince has also acknowledged another son, three-year-old Alexandre. We guess it's true what they say about bald men having more testosterone. What's more, we happen to have heard through a good friend who heard it through a good friend that Prince Albert has a PRINCE ALBERT. (Note: The Prince Albert, or "PA," is a common form of male genital piercing. It pierces the penis from the outside of the frenulum and into the urethra. Doesn't that sound fun? Here is what Wikipedia has to say: "Some men find that the dribble caused by the PA when urinating necessitates sitting down to urinate. This is not caused, as might be suspected, by the hole made during piercing, but rather by urine traveling along the surface of the jewelry. At other times, if a ring is worn that is too thin [this can happen if the wearer downsizes from a large gauge jewelry to a smaller], or if no ring is worn at all, an additional stream of urine may come from the hole in the frenulum. This effect may be exaggerated by different sizes and styles of jewelry. This is usually a problem only when using urinals. It can often be mitigated by either twisting the penis so that the hole is above the flow from gravity, or by holding the finger or a captive bead against the hole, effectively sealing it off.") So, like we were saying, we've heard that Prince Albert has a Prince Albert. Seriously. It's only double hearsay, and comes from a completely reliable source—a woman who vacationed in Monaco. There was a party on a yacht and there it was. Right up close. Teeming with semen. Apparently you can get pregnant just by looking at it. Which is handy, we guess, because you sure as hell don't want that horseshoe up in your va-va. Now, unlike some people, we're open-minded, and personally we would have the Prince's bastard without a moment's hesitation (Albert, if you're reading, call us on our cellie), bald gene and all. (Kip, if you're reading this, get back to work.)
FRIDAY, JUNE 2 The disturbing medical news just keeps coming. Former Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith has confirmed she is pregnant. She has not, to our knowledge, visited Monaco recently, and is claiming instead that she was knocked up by photojournalist Larry Birkhead. (We can't wait to see the pictures from that shoot.) In streaming video on her web site (annanicole.comm), she floats, belly down, on a raft in a pool, wearing a bikini. "Let me stop all the rumors," she purrs. "Yes, I am pregnant. I am happy—very, very happy about it. [She doesn't look or sound happy, but whatever.] Everything is going really, really [very, very, really, really?] good and I'll be checking in periodically on the web. I'll let you see me as I'm growing." The first video is free. All subsequent ones will require membership. So, is this like a website for pregnancy pervs? How much will the actual gaping, bloody, dilated vagina shot cost? Say what you want about her, that woman's got a head for business. Ten to one her bump is a silicone implant.
SATURDAY, JUNE 3 Keith Richards is fully recovered from his tumble out of a Fiji palm tree, and the Rolling Stones will be resuming their world tour. "Excuse me, I fell off my perch," Richards said in a statement. "Sorry to disrupt everyone's plans but now it's full steam ahead. Ouch!" Don't you just love him?
SUNDAY, JUNE 4 And now the last evidence of Darwinism from the Sunshine State: Two college students were found dead inside a large, deflated helium balloon after—get this—they apparently pulled it down and crawled inside it. The bodies of the two 21-year-olds were found partially inside the deflated eight-foot helium balloon at the entrance of a condominium complex that the balloon had been advertising. The deaths appear to be accidental. "It was more a fun thing they thought they were doing," said the dead girl's mother. "You know how you blow up the balloon and suck the helium." Ri-ight. Too bad about that whole inhaling helium causing brain damage and death from lack of oxygen thing. The guy was an advertising major at the University of South Florida and the girl was a student at Hillsborough Community College. Not that that makes their deaths any less tragic.