MONDAY, AUGUST 13 Look out, it's dog pile on Britney Spears week! Thanks to ex-hubby/current hillbilly Kevin Federline and his courtroom quest to get custody of their kids, we now have a truckload of rumors, gossip, and innuendo to share about Ms. Spears—and around 15 percent of it might actually be true! (Trust us, that's an improvement.) First, and hilariously, K.Fed has hired an ex-Israeli commando to serve court summons to many of Brit's former assistants and bodyguards. As we know, ex-Israeli commandoes are so much more reliable than K.Fed's drinking buddies when serving papers. Naturally, K.Fed was hoping these staffers would spill some of the pop tart's more juicy secrets—and so far? They do not disappoint! According to Star magazine, three former assistants allege that Britney regularly swills liquor and pills, and yells disturbing things at kids Sean Preston and Jayden, such as, "You were both mistakes!" (Frankly Britney, with you and Kevin as the parents, do you really think they were surprised?) Us Weekly throws more gasoline on the fire, specifically over Brit's alleged drinking-in-front-of-the-kids problem. "At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry," claims one former staffer. "But she'd inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies would take care of the kids." Ummmm... isn't that the reason nannies exist? But the best rumors are SEXY rumors, right? And these same staffers have accused Britney of "stripping down in front of staff, nannies, whomever... asking, 'Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?' She's extremely insecure." Once again, in defense of Britney, our bosses at the Mercury strip down in front of us all the time. Unfortunately, they are not in the least bit insecure, and really believe they're sexy. AHEM! Which of course, they are. Extremely. Sexy. Ahem.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 14 And speaking of getting served, car-napping cutie Lindsay Lohan is finally getting sued for her road-rage joyride in which she commandeered a vehicle, kidnapped the inhabitants, and terrorized the mother of her former assistant. (That girl really keeps a busy schedule.) Anyway, Tracie Rice was riding along with the terrorized mom in question, and is now suing the actress for celebrity malfeasance. "What Miss Lohan did that night was extremely dangerous and reprehensible," said Rice. "Someone could easily have been killed or seriously hurt because of her irresponsible decisions that evening." OH, BOO-HOO-HOO. Getting chased by Lindsay Lohan is the greatest single thing that ever happened in your miserable non-famous life, Rice. Instead of suing, you should be paying LINDSAY. She's the one stuck in rehab after all. AND BY THE WAY... How is Lindsay doing in that Utah Mormon rehab? Answer: GREAT! According to reports, LiLo is a model rehabber: going to all the meetings, chatting up her psychiatrist, and happily performing menial Mormon tasks such as washing dishes and cleaning toilets. In fact, she's been doing such a bang-up job they let her go into town today to work out at a Gold's Gym and "get a $20 spray-on tan." OMIGOD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER, YOU MONSTERS??
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15 And speaking of harlots on their best behavior... if you've noticed that Paris Hilton is beginning to act and dress like a normal, boring human being, you're right! The former porn star/jailbird has been spotted wearing one-piece bathing suits(!!), conservative clothing, and posing for pictures with children—many of whom are probably at least as retarded as herself. Is this the work of an angry God chastising Paris into good behavior, or the machinations of professional crisis manager Michael Sitrick? Also known for his work in managing the freakouts of Ryan Phillipe, Rush Limbaugh, and Naomi Campbell, Sitrick has reportedly been pushing Paris to dress like a classy socialite and avoid the coke-snorting club scene. Sitrick, however, denies his hand in her personality makeover, claiming prison is responsible for the change. "[Paris is] more involved in charities now," Sitrick claims, "from volunteering at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles to her being a sponsor at a spinal cord injury fundraiser. That is who she is." Maybe if she were volunteering to eat the children or spinal cords, then we'd believe it.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16 "WHO'LL DIE FIRST?" That's the question the Globe asked this week on the cover of their always-classy tabloid. Pictured under the headline are several (all good) choices, such as President Bush, Angelina Jolie, Oprah, Michael Jackson, Nicole Richie, and more. Regardless of who you wish would perish first, Dr. Lillian Glass, "one of America's leading age experts"(??) knows the real scoop, claiming that "ailing Liz Taylor will outlive wild child Lindsay Lohan, who'll die by the time she's 25." Okay... let's do the math. That means you'll get to read about LiLo's exploits in this column for only 208 more issues. (Sob!) They grow up and die so quickly!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 17 History time! Let's hop waaay back to 1994—that magical year of Tonya Harding, the Menendez Brothers (not to be confused with Menudo), O.J. Simpson, and... Dick Cheney? Yep! This week saw the emergence of a 1994 video featuring Cheney—then working for a conservative think tank—talking about why the US didn't oust Saddam Hussein in the first Iraq war. Cheney's logic? He thought doing so would have created a "quagmire." You don't say! Cheney continued, "How many additional dead Americans was Saddam worth? Our judgment was not very many, and I think we got that right." Good call, Dick! Oh, and just FYI: For the current Iraq war—the one in which we did depose Saddam—the Defense Department currently lists 3,698 American military casualties.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 Okay, can we stop pretending that there's any chance whatsoever that those six miners who got stuck underground in Utah might still be alive? Between the initial failed attempts to find the miners, Thursday's search efforts that killed three rescuers, and today's Associated Press story that blames the bungled rescue efforts on the head of the Federal Mine Safety and Health Administration, Richard "Call Me Brownie" Stickler... well, how about we just rename the place Death Mountain, maybe install a mining cart-themed roller coaster on top, and move on already? C'mon, Utah! Lindsay Lohan is in your state! In rehab! Getting $20 spray-on tans! It's a proven fact: Train wrecks are always more interesting than cave-ins.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 19 This week began with Britney Spears, and so shall it end: Today the Britta ventured out into public without a wig for the first time since February, when she went batshit crazy and shaved her head. The result? Surprisingly... not terrible, with her short blonde hair being somewhere between "your mother" and "lesbian junior high gym teacher." (Actually, that does sound terrible. Nevermind.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of women who choose terrible husbands, Britain's Daily Mail reported that "more than one in five married women (22 percent) said that if they could go back in time they would change their husband." (Conversely, a mere 12 percent of men said they married the wrong woman.) When we interrupted Hubby Kip's drunken RoboCop marathon to see if he regretted marrying yours truly, we can only assume his mumbled grunt meant, "Of course not, dearest. Why would I ever regret a single moment we've spent together?" Thanks to the riveting conclusion of RoboCop 2, he was too distracted to return the question, which was probably for the best.