MONDAY, AUGUST 27 Here at One Day headquarters we're still busted up over heartthrobby Owen Wilson's suicide attempt. Wilson, also known as the "Butterscotch Stallion" for his womanizing ways, was discovered by a family member over the weekend after he reportedly attempted to slash his wrists and swallow an indeterminate amount of pills. Happily for all concerned (especially lovers of "butterscotch") Wilson is safe and resting comfortably. But how did our crooked nosed hero reach this sorry state? While some tabs blame ex-sweetie Kate Hudson (who has been spied canoodling with hottie Dax Shepard—whose nose is decidedly straight... just sayin'), the latest scuttlebutt is that Wilson was battling a dependency on cocaine and heroin: drugs that were allegedly provided by British funnyman Steve Coogan. Now... who is Steve Coogan, you may ask? NOBODY ON THIS SIDE OF THE POND KNOWS. But if you're really interested, he portrays clueless chat show host Alan Partridge on the BBC comedy I'm Alan Partridge, and apparently it's not very funny. But then again, we're not British. Regardless, according to the Daily Telegraph, both Kate Hudson and Courtney Love warned Wilson to stop hanging around Coogan, who is rumored to be a drug supplier to the stars (a claim Coogan denies). As mentioned earlier, we know next to nothing about this limey comic, so we're in no position to judge. However, if Courtney Love is accusing you of being a bad influence? It's kind of like Leona Helmsley saying you should pay your taxes. (More on her later.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 28 Super-duper gay Idaho Senator Larry Craig spoke out today, laughably claiming, "I am not gay. I have never been gay." Craig is, of course, the Republican politico who was allegedly caught engaging in inappropriate [gay] conduct in a Minneapolis Airport bathroom, pled guilty to the charges, and later pled "unguilty." Today after Republican leaders called for an ethics review of his case, Craig spoke out to the snickering press, claiming that while it may have appeared that he was trying to engage in sexual conduct with an undercover police officer, the officer was wrong because he is SO "not gay." Craig did admit however that his super gay actions have "brought a cloud over Idaho." A really big gay cloud. That's raining men. Hallelujah. MEANWHILE... In "hippie news," it was the saddest day for longhairs since Jerry Garcia croaked, because someone prematurely burnt the effigy of Burning Man—nearly a week early. According to hippie people we're embarrassed to know, participants in the Burning Man festival (held annually in the Nevada desert) end their week of drug taking, mud baths, and walking around naked by torching an effigy of a big straw guy. Why? Probably for the same reasons hippies do that dumb twirly dance and refuse to use soap. Regardless, San Francisco artist Paul Addis was arrested today for burning the Burning Man early, forcing the organizers to quickly build another Burning Man. Which is a good idea, because otherwise, you'd have thousands of boo-hooing hippies on your hands, shedding tears that could potentially wash away a layer of stink, and leaving us with no one to laugh at. (Obviously gay Idaho senators notwithstanding.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29 R.I.P.s go out to two minor but memorable celebs: Hilly Kristal, the founder of seminal NYC punk club CBGB (home to such musical greats as the Ramones, Blondie, and Talking Heads), who died due to complications from lung cancer; and former security guard Richard Jewell, who is most famous for spotting a pipe bomb at the Atlanta Olympics, but was later falsely accused by the FBI of planting the explosive. Jewell, who died of complications due to diabetes and kidney problems, spent many of his remaining years clearing himself of the crime. In related "news of the dead," the last will and testament of Leona Helmsley (real estate billionaire and "Queen of Mean") has been released, and her dog is now one very rich bitch. Though Helmsley cut two of her grandchildren out of her will entirely, she has bequeathed $12 million to her dog, Trouble, a white Maltese, who will be taken care of by Helmsley's brother Alvin Rosenthal. (Alvin only received $10 million—but c'mon. He gets to spend the rest of his life scooping up the poop of a canine millionaire. You can't put a price on that.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 30 We can think of somebody who could use a million or two of Trouble's money—and that's professional loafer Kevin Federline, who has called in the lawyers to get even more of Britney Spears' moolah. According to E! News, Mark Vincent Kaplan (K.Fed's attorney) filed a legal declaration today asking a judge to make Britney fork over an additional $50,000... to pay for Kaplan's own fee. (Isn't the legal system awesome?) Apparently, K.Fed is quickly running out of money, especially since his spousal-support payments of $20,000 a month are coming to an end in November! OMG! WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? If he doesn't receive Britney's monthly allowance, how is he expected to... to... to... okay, we've got nothing. Besides eating Cheetos and milking Spears out of her money, what exactly does Kevin do?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 31 Sometimes, all you need is a headline. Like this one, from the Associated Press: "Andy Dick Gropes Patrons, Urinates on Floor of Ohio Club." Hmm. That's pretty much all we need, isn't it? MEANWHILE... Today was the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death, and your creepy old spinster aunt with nothing better to do all day but watch Judge Judy and listen to "Candle in the Wind" over and over is still all weepy about it, despite the fact that Princess Di never did much of anything aside from some lip-service charity work and marrying an ugly prince. Yes, on one hand, she had an air of "class" about her that today's celebs lack. On the other, she never did anything remotely interesting. Seriously, would it have killed her urinate on the floor of an Ohio club?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Idaho's [obviously gay] Republican Senator Larry Craig resigned today, following condemnation from his homophobic political party and pressure from nearly everyone in his homophobic state. "I apologize for what I have caused," the self-loathing Craig whined at a press conference, accompanied by his wife and two of his children. "I am deeply sorry." Craig then repeated his bullshit claim that he is not, nor has he ever been, gay, which absolutely no one believed. Craig currently plans on spending some time with his family, while giving and receiving anonymous handjobs in various men's restrooms. Larry Craig—coming soon to an airport near you!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Oof. Today was a rough news day, One Day fans. First, our hopes for the implosion of the entirely-too-happy Brangelina union continued to dwindle, with the dreamy Brad Pitt admitting to Italian press today that he and Angelina Jolie are "ready" for a FIFTH child to add to their increasingly crowded international nursery. But that's okay... we could still end up with either Barack Obama or George Clooney, right? (Sorry, Hubby Kip. Now go back to giving us a foot rub.) Well, not anymore, since today Clooney professed his all-out man-love for Obama. "He walks into the world, and he takes your breath away," Clooney gushed about Obama today, sweetly adding, "I'd love him to be president, quite honestly." Well, FINE. But we aren't going to ask our handsome future president to choose between us and George. That's an impossibly hard decision, and we won't have our Barack making it. So there's only one solution—we'll all just have to live together. Possibly sharing one big, soft, fluffy bed. In the White House. And maybe we could have a summer home in the Hollywood Hills. Kip can give us all foot rubs.