MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Here's an idea: Let's rename Labor Day, "Sneaky Sneak-Around Day." (But still take the time off.) Celebs and politicians have realized that if you want to announce something embarrassing or hide something from the general public, you do it right in the middle of a three-day weekend. The hope is that you're too busy frying in the sun and cramming hot dogs down your gullet to notice anything happening in the news—and they're right! When we returned from our mini-vacation, we were slapped in the face with the news that Hollyweird power couple Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams had moved to Splitsville, as well asnot-so-powerful couple Jenna Fischer (who plays "Pam" on TV's The Office) and hubby James Gunn (a writer best known for his work on the Troma films, and the big-screen adaptation of Scooby-Doo). Oh, and then there was President Bush, who decided to surprise everyone by taking a short break from his permanent vacation to sneak into Iraq and get some work done. (See? When we don't work, he works! It's like Superman's "Bizarro World.") As it turns out, Bush and cronies are petrified about a pivotal report card on Iraq, due to be released next week, and are desperately searching for support from the beleaguered country's political leaders, as well as proof that the situation isn't a complete clusterfuck. Which, of course, it is. However, he will never admit it... unless it's on a three-day weekend. Can you pass the sunscreen?
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 If making embarrassing announcements on three-day weekends is the new way of slipping past a gossip-starved nation, then selling a celebrity's embarrassing belongings on eBay is the new way of punishing them. Back in late August when Atlanta Falcons quarterback/dog-fighting pimp Michael Vick made his public apology, he accidentally left his notes on the podium—which were quickly snaked by a representative of the Humane Society. Apparently, the apology wasn't quite enough, because the Humane Society then put the notes up for sale on eBay, with the intention of raising money for abused animals. Vick's talking points were written on hotel stationary, which included the following reminders: "(1) Apologize for what I've done. (2) Apologize Commissioner, [coach, team], ashamed, disappointed. (3) Young kids, I acted immature. (4) Forgiveness & understanding. (5) Take full responsibility for my actions. (6) We all make mistakes. I've made mistakes in judgment. Dogs have suffered." Oh, yeah... and "dogs have suffered." Don't forget that part. Unfortunately, that's exactly what he did. According to Wayne Pacelle of the Humane Society, "The biggest apology of all was left unspoken—to the dogs who suffered and died so horribly at his hand." [It's currently unknown who purchased the speech, but we figure it was probably Britney Spears, who bought it "just in case."]
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Former Republican Tennessee senator and TV star Fred Thompson announced his intention to run for president on this evening's episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno—instead of calling one of those annoying press conferences where annoying reporters always ask you really tough annoying questions. His first promise if he's elected? Put up one of those blinking "Applause" signs in the White House pressroom. MEANWHILE... The nerd world had a geek freakout today when Apple announced they had dropped the price of the much-ballyhooed iPhone by $200. While many were ecstatic about the news, the geeks who stood in line for hours and paid $500 to be the first ones to fondle the toy were none too pleased, polluting the blogosphere with vitrioliccomments about the web-based phone and the company. However, when Apple CEO Steve Jobs promised to refund original iPhone owners $100 for their trouble, the geeks responded, "Ohhhh... in that case, we shall now return to counting down the days until Halo 3 and fondling our vinyl 12-inch Battlestar Galactica action figures."
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 Two sad announcements polluted the news today: Much beloved operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti died today of pancreatic cancer, at the age of 71. His voice will be missed. Secondly, and definitely more alarming, Brad Pitt is losing his good looks! Pitt, who inexplicably turned 43 while no one was looking, has admitted to Details magazine that age is turning him ugly. "[As you get older], your face kind of goes. Your body's not quite working the same. But you earned it. You earned that, things falling apart." Well, then. It's a good thing you dumped the sweet, but horse-faced Jennifer Aniston when you did, because...c'mon. WHO'S GOING TO WANT YOU NOW? Instead of being a genetically perfect example of hunky manhood, now you're just another toothless grandpa, desperately trying to drum up conversations at the bus stop, shuffling down the street, and shitting your pants. (However, when Angelina eventually dumps you, we'll still consider divorcing hubby Kip. You bring the Metamucil, we'll bring the Matlock DVDs.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Today Barack Obama came to Portland. Yes. WE KNOW. It was a big deal. Oh, how he spoke! So poised! So witty! So good-hearted! It almost made one glimpse a glimmer of hope for this country! It almost scrubbed away the shame one currently feels to be an American! It almost made us hopeful that someday, somehow, Obama could make everything better. Almost. (Kind of like how Bush is almost a human being.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Got a pedicure, read magazines.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Okay. Britney? It's time for another chat. Have a seat, sweetie. Look at us, dear. We need you to FOCUS ON WHAT WE'RE SAYING, OKAY? This is done. This whole "pop superstar" thing? It's just not happening anymore. Your "comeback performance" in Las Vegas on MTV's Video Music Awards? Well, we both know it didn't quite go as planned. First: those thighs? You aren't 18 anymore, dear. You're a mother of two, and even though you're a mother of two with one hell of a personal trainer and/or plastic surgeon... well, you see where we're going with this, right? Second: that lip-syncing? C'mon, honey. You can do better than that. We've seen you do better than that! You were looking like Ashlee Simpson out there, and that's just... well. Moving on. Third: those dead eyes? What was it, sweetie? Percocet? Xanax? Valium? Oh, no, dear—we're not saying to quit! All of those drugs are wonderful! But generally speaking, a fistful of pills aren't advised minutes before a big "comeback performance." There's a time and a place. Fourth: the wheezing. Those five packs a day haven't been great for your dance moves, have they? You should have gotten some slower backup dancers. Maybe some quadriplegics? And finally: the flashing. Getting out of your limo at the Bellagio afterward, and once again letting the world see your vaheena? Well, to be honest, that was probably the most successful part of the evening! Oh, Brit! Don't cry. We know you tried! But sweetie? Sometimes we just have to take our lot in life and make the best of if. Accept it. And realize that maybe mistreating two ugly kids and sucking down nicotine and hitting paparazzi cars with umbrellas and showing strangers one's vaheena is, for some people—ahem—all that life might have to offer. And we don't mean to bring him up like this, sweetie, but... well, just look at Kevin. He kind of figured it all out, didn't he? Consider this your "PopoZao" moment. It'll get better, sweetie. It will. Okay? Okay. Now give us a hug.