MONDAY, JUNE 19 If there's one thing the public cannot stand, it's an underachiever. Lindsay Lohan knows this, which is exactly why she didn't have a catfight with one celeb this past weekend; she mixed it up with TWO. And at the same party! At an exclusive Hollyweird soiree featuring a surprise performance by Prince, Lindsay Lohan noticed her archenemy Paris Hilton sneaking into the powder room. Like the panther stalking its prey, Lindsay slipped in behind her, and according to witnesses, "had a huge fight" over greasy ex-Hilton boy toy Stavros Niarchos. But it doesn't end there! Her teeth still freshly dripping with heiress blood, Lindsay returned to her table to find hiphop mogul Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Diddy" Combs and entourage had moved in. What happened next depends on which gossip rag you believe. The New York Daily News reported that Lindsay jokingly asked Diddy Daddy what he was doing at "her" table, and according to a source, "he then yelled at her and told her to get out." Then one of Puffy's bodyguards allegedly lifted Lindsay up in the air (which is considerably harder to do now than it was last year). However, according to Page Six, Puff Diddy was completely in the right. "There were only like six tables," said an onlooker. "Everyone was sharing, but Lindsay refused and began mixing it up with Puffy." Another witness added, "His security became concerned and came over to escort her away." Regardless of who's wrong, this incident was... ummmm... SO RIGHT. The only way it would've been improved is if Lindsay pushed Prince off the stage to sing "Purple Rain."
TUESDAY, JUNE 20 Another bad, bad day in Iraq. Besides the untold thousands who have been killed in this bloody slog thus far, the body of a soldier from Oregon was discovered today, brutally tortured and beheaded. Military officials confirmed the soldier was Pfc. Thomas L. Tucker, 25, of Madras, OR—who was found alongside another beheaded American soldier from Texas. Apparently the two were kidnapped after an insurgent attack on a checkpoint next to a Euphrates River canal, 12 miles south of Baghdad. It's thought that the soldiers were murdered in retaliation for the bombing attack that killed al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. In Andrew Sullivan's daily blog (andrewsullivan.com), the gay conservative columnist makes an interesting point about the use of torture—by our side and theirs. "We can no longer unequivocally condemn the torture of these two soldiers because we have endorsed and practiced torture ourselves," Sullivan writes. "What was once a difference in kind between us and our enemy is now a difference in degree. That fact profoundly weakens our moral standing in the world, the power of our cause, and impedes the long-run success in the war of ideas that the war on terror involves. That this change was made secretly by an executive violating the express laws he is constitutionally bound to enforce makes the betrayal all the more enraging." Discuss.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21 The results are in! Last week, Britney Spears concluded her "I'm No Monster" publicity junket with a blubbering interview with a sockless Matt Lauer that was designed to win back the love of a jaded populace. Unfortunately, IT DIDN'T WORK. In fact, Brit is now caught up in a nationwide backlash, being criticized for a number of infractions during the interview such as incessant gum chewing, revealing mini-skirt, saying dumb things, that weird dead fly that was on her eyelash, and her boobies falling out of her dress (which Hubby Kip didn't mind so much). Basically the national reaction was, "Britney... HONEY. Where are your make-up team and publicists?" Well, according to a source, "When [the NBC crew] got there, they thought they had the wrong day... Neither of her publicists showed up." When asked why she wasn't on hand to reign in and assist her client, publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick told Page Six, "Britney is a grownup and makes her own decisions." OUCH. Somebody pass her a paper towel, because she just washed her hands.
THURSDAY, JUNE 22 Today, American Idol runner-up (AKA LOSER) Katharine McPhee admitted she struggled for years with bulimia, throwing up as many as seven times a day, thereby wreaking havoc on her vocal chords. Ohhh-kay... so now we know why you sing like shit. Thanks for the info.
FRIDAY, JUNE 23 After a blitz of coverage about home-grown terrorism, it turned out today that no one was in much danger from the seven Miami men accused yesterday of trying to blow up the Sears Tower. First of all, the Sears Tower? That's the best they could come up with? Oooh, SCARY. "Oh, please! No, please, NOT the Sears Tower." C'mon—they didn't have explosives, and probably couldn't find Chicago on a map. The poor shmucks were just sitting around their clubhouse in Liberty City (the 82nd Avenue of Miami) talking shit, and they decided to take an oath to al-Qaida and plot to build an "Islamic Army." (Okay, fine. Not the best idea.) What they didn't know was that their al-Qaida contact was actually an FBI informant. But c'mon... cut 'em some slack. It's like when we joined the Girl Scouts. We just did it for the uniforms!
SATURDAY, JUNE 24 Dear Tori: We wanted to tell you how sorry we are that your dad, Aaron Spelling, is dead. It's hard to lose a parent—even one as creepy and bug-eyed as him. We guess you'll be inheriting a lot of money now, huh? Anyway, we feel really, really bad about some of the things we've written about you. We were kidding. We think you're a pretty good actress. And your boobs don't look all THAT fake. (They ARE a little far apart. We're just being honest.) And you seem to have a pretty good sense of humor about yourself. Even the horse-face thing. (Think of it more as a "sea-horse face"—it sounds cuter.) Anyway, you've had a rough go of it. What with all the nepotism, and a father who just loves blondes with big tits. What's a small-breasted, dark-haired daughter to do? Exactly what you did. Hey, you know what you should use all that money for? Therapy.
SUNDAY, JUNE 25 Nicole Kidman had the wedding of her dreams today, finally marrying her Prince Charming, handsome country star Keith Urban. It was a blissful ceremony and marked a fresh start for the divorcee, and we couldn't be happier for her. ARE YOU KIDDING US? KEITH FUCKING URBAN? For fuck's sake. Seriously? Seriously? First, there was the Botox. (She denies it, but what other explanation could there be for her facial paralysis? A stroke?). Now she's married a celebrity at least four levels below her. You can go three—but FOUR FULL LEVELS? It's over, isn't it? Nicole Kidman has jumped the shark. Russell Crowe, you were at the wedding—and you did nothing. You just sat back and watched. (In his defense he was handicapped—guests were required to check their phones at the door.) And Naomi Watts? What's your excuse? We all know you want to be "The Australian Actress." Nic reportedly arrived at the Australian cliff-top chapel where the train wreck took place, wearing a flowing white Balenciaga gown and veil and carrying a bouquet of white roses. See? She's a VIRGIN. (Deny you're gay now, Tom Cruise!) After the 90-MINUTE ceremony (!!), the happy couple thanked Australia. Yeah? Well, fuck you, Australia. You just sat back and watched it all happen. Thanks for fucking NOTHING.