MONDAY, JUNE 26 Reason #5,693 why Britney should not only divorce, but KILL Kevin Federline: HE WON'T STOP RAPPING. According to Life & Style magazine, Kevin is driving Britney ba-zonkers with his nonstop rapping around the house—even when she's trying to carry on an adult conversation! "She says it's way beyond a joke now," says a friend of the dysfunctional family. "She'll be talking to him, and then he'll burst into some rap rhymes without warning or apparent reason." Ummm... that's not "rapping," Britney—that's adult-onset autism. MEANWHILE... After her flop of an interview with sockless Matt Lauer a couple of weeks ago, Britney will apparently do ANYTHING to change her crappy image—including dying her hair black and posing NUDE inside the pages of Harper's Bazaar (whatever happened to posing for "classy" magazines, like Hustler?). Us Weekly reports that Britney was incensed when fans said her hair looked like a "rat's nest." So Britney cut her hair into a bob, dyed it black, and showed up at her Harper's Bazaar fashion shoot with a somewhat darker "rat's nest." Naturally, the editors were horrified, and the stylists had to work double-time to put on matching extensions. How did the photos turn out? Well, let's put it this way—there aren't enough Taiwanese airbrush artists in the world to help Britney now.
TUESDAY, JUNE 27 According to reports from the almost reliable British press, Nicole Kidman was never REALLY married to Tom Cruise! After Nicole strolled down the aisle this past weekend with country hick Keith Urban in their Catholic ceremony, many Catholics were wondering, "Since when do priests allow divorced women to remarry in the Catholic church?" As it turned out? Nicole played the Scientology card. The BBC reports that the Cruise/Kidman union was not recognized by the Catholic Church of Australia, because it was a Scientology ceremony—which isn't recognized by anyone unless you count the inhabitants of the planet Klaktu. In related news, Keith Urban's hillbilly family aren't recognizing the Catholic wedding, either. Apparently there were no shotguns or greased pigs involved.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28 Speaking of greased pigs, Star Jones was in the news again today. (Hold on, all we meant was that she can often be "slippery.") Her surprise announcement yesterday that she would be leaving her long-running talk show The View left many people wondering, "Who is Star Jones, and what is The View?" As it turns out, The View is a daytime chat program featuring a particularly dimwitted panel of women including Star, Barbara Walters, comedienne Joy Behar, and others who are even less famous. Apparently the announcement took the other hosts by surprise—particularly a grumpy Walters who felt "betrayed" by the departure... even though it's common knowledge that Star was being forced out by Walters and the producers. According to Walters, ABC muckety-mucks had decided not to renew Star's contract, citing she was no longer palatable to viewers after her dramatic weight loss and her marriage to banker Al Reynolds (ummm... who's Al Reynolds and why should we care?). Regardless, now Star is claiming SHE is the one who was betrayed, because the producers had hired Rosie O'Donnell to replace departing View host Meredith Vieira, and as everyone knows, Star HATES Rosie because she made fun of her that one time... and... and... WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! Did all of this happen on another planet? Somebody call Tom Cruise!
THURSDAY, JUNE 29 Today the Supreme Court ruled that it was illegal for President Bush to set up military tribunals for suspects being held at the Guantanamo Bay military base in Cuba. Personal note to President Bush: "Nah-Nah-Nah-Boo-Boo! Stick your face in doo-doo!" MEANWHILE... Girls as young as 11 years old are being advised by the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices to get a new vaccine that would ward off HPV (genital warts)—a virus that can lead to cancer. Meanwhile, the crazy Christian Coalition are flipping their freaking wigs over this advice, claiming that the vaccine will do nothing but encourage pre-marital sex—which is far worse, as we all know, than cervical cancer. According to New Scientist magazine: "Religious groups are gearing up to oppose vaccination, despite a survey showing 80 percent of parents favor vaccinating their daughters." Coincidentally, in a related study, scientists have discovered that 80 percent of Christians are fucking crazy.
FRIDAY, JUNE 30 Today actor/talent show judge David Hasselhoff hit his head on a chandelier so hard that it shattered, showering him with broken glass and severing a tendon in his right hand. Where did it happen? Why, a London gym bathroom, of course! Our gym bathroom has light fixtures too, but they are up in the ceiling, in little cages. London is so fancy! You're probably wondering how David Hasselhoff managed to hit his head against a chandelier hard enough that it would explode. According to the Associated Press he was "shaving at the gym" "when he hit his head." Hmm. At first we thought maybe it was some sort of chandelier sconce. Maybe something on the wall next to the vanity mirror. He's had a nice steam, decides to shave, but he's still light headed and he passes out, slamming against the sconce, blood and glass everywhere. But then we looked up "chandelier" and it turns out that they pretty much have to hang from the ceiling to be called that. So then we thought, okay. He's standing at the mirror shaving, minding his own business, when some Oxford Knight Rider fan snaps him in the ass with a towel and David Hasselhoff jumps straight up in the air, slamming into the chandelier. He's lucky he wasn't impaled. Oh, don't worry. He's fine. All his German fans can rest easy tonight.
SATURDAY, JULY 1 Excellent news, everybody! Vice President Dick Cheney's pacemaker is working properly and his overall heart condition is stable. Yep, it's vice presidential physical time again! So exciting! Those repaired aneurysms on the back of his knees? A-OK! His implantable cardioverter defibrillator? Running smoothly, thanks! Turn your head and cough, Dick. Your testicles feel great! Warm and mushy. Why, you have the balls of a 30-year-old. Need any Viagra? Why would you?! How bout some lube for Lynne? She's not in half the shape you are! You're inspiring Dick, truly. In perfect health. And they won't shut up about it. Like you will never die. Like we will never be rid of you. And you know what? It's eating away at our morale. Do you think you could find it in yourself to give us just a little ray of hope? You've got a treadmill stress test scheduled for fall. And we'll be pacing with our fingers crossed. So try to get your heart rate up, okay? Is having a mild heart attack going to kill you?
SUNDAY, JULY 2 Finally! Some answers in the mysterious "David Hasselhoff's Chandelier Injury" case. The so-called "bathroom accident" was not, as first reported by the Associated Press, due to a chandelier, but rather a glass shelf. According to The Sun, a hospital aide reported: "David was about to shave when he hit his head on a shelf, which shattered. His hand was cut quite badly." But what's a glass shelf doing at head level? How hard does one have to hit a glass shelf for it to shatter? And who the hell does this hospital aide think he is to refer to David Hasselhoff by his first name? We look forward to a time when Mr. Hasselhoff can illuminate this matter. Unless he's horribly scarred, in which case we prefer he remain in permanent seclusion.