MONDAY, OCTOBER 1 Right off the bat, let's make one thing perfectly clear: One Day at a Time is not a fan of eugenics. However, one peeky-poo at the shambles that is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that hillbillies should be sterilized. Today a judge ordered that sole custody of two-year-old Sean Preston and one-year-old Jayden James would be taken away from Britney and placed into the Cheetos dust-covered hands of Kevin. While we certainly wouldn't want to see these kids in an orphanage, surely there must be a way to scientifically revert these children back to their original sperm 'n' egg states, and cram them back inside their parents genitals. But we digress. Though we've said this phrase a thousand times, Britney really blew it this time. Not only did she "sleep through" two court-mandated drug tests, Britney was also unable to produce a valid drivers license. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER HAD A VALID DRIVERS LICENSE. Yes, every time she's been spotted driving around with a kid in her lap, or smashing into parked cars, Britney has been doing so without the benefit of a license. And because she was genetically incapable of standing in a line at the DMV, two presumably normal children are now under the care of America's worst honky rapper—who has actively spent the last few years ignoring his OTHER biological children from a former relationship! Are we all in agreement then? That there is no God?
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2 Apparently there are still a few of you out there who continue to believe in God—and we respect your beliefs. However, will you be able to respect YOURSELF after hearing the next two stories? Unrepentant closeted homosexual Senator Larry Craig has been chosen for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame—even though he was arrested for attempting to seduce a male undercover cop in an airport restroom. According to the Hall of Fame's chairman, they chose Craig for the honor in March, months before his sexy arrest... that, and Idaho doesn't really have much to offer other than potatoes and sexual deviants. MEANWHILE... And speaking of sexual deviants, here's a sordid tale from PORTLAND, wherein six men have filed a new lawsuit right here in Multnomah County against the Mormon Church and the Boy Scouts of America, who stand accused of ignoring sex abuses committed decades ago by a man who worked in both organizations. According to Reuters, the men filing the complaint allege that registered sex offender Timur Dykes repeatedly abused them when he was a scout leader and a spiritual leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints—and neither the church nor the scouts did anything about it. Think that's bad? If Dykes were in Idaho he'd be inducted into the Hall of Fame.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3 The humiliating week of Britney Spears just got more humiliating-ier (we're pretty sure that's a real word)—because now there's a potential Britney sex tape floating around! BUT BEFORE YOU GET YOUR HOPES UP, there's a very good reason this alleged tape may never see the light of day. According to In Touch Weekly, the man who slept with Britney back in June and videotaped the exploit says that "the only thing holding him back from releasing the video is that he was so disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let the rest of the world see it!" Okay. First of all, it's an amateur porn tape. We're not expecting Laurence Olivier. Secondly, it's an amateur porn tape—and the guy is doing Britney Spears. We don't expect him to last longer than our Hubby Kip... who isn't exactly a porn star himself. (We're not complaining, mind you—we've just learned to manage expectations.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4 Crooked-nosed heartthrob Owen Wilson made his first public appearance tonight since his reported suicide attempt just over a month ago. He showed up for the premiere of his new film The Darjeeling Limited (directed by friend and college roommate Wes Anderson), but skipped the red carpet to avoid icky probing questions that, frankly, would've made everyone feel uncomfortable. He was given a warm reception by the crowd and ducked out of the theater before the film began. OKAY, BRITNEY AND LINDSAY? This is how you do it. Commit a grave error, disappear for a while, pop your head in the door just to say "hi," AND LEAVE. (Though even Owen would have to admit that this short break would've been the perfect time for a nose job.)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5 Today Lindsay Lohan checked out of rehab. Congrats, Linds! Hugs and kisses. We wish you all the best, and if there's anything we can do to help you turn over this new leaf, you just say the word, dear. MEANWHILE... Is it illegal to run a betting parlor out of your home? We suspect it might be, but the hell with it—we're doing it anyway! We all know it's only a matter of weeks—if not days—until LiLo is back, either (A) in jail, (B) stuck in another rehab center, or (C) drunkenly crashing through your living room in a stolen SUV. We've got $20 that says (A), (B), or (C) will happen in the next 35-40 minutes. Taking bets! Odds are on (C), just FYI.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 Ah, women in movies—who needs 'em? According to a ton of Hollyweird blabbermouths, the president of production at Warner Bros., Jeff Robinov, has been telling coworkers, "We are no longer doing movies with women in the lead." Robinov's reasons? Two female-led Warner Bros. bombs, The Invasion, with Nicole Kidman, and The Brave One, with Jodie Foster. According to Robinov, the reasons those movies tanked was because moviegoers don't like women. (Oh, it's so obvious now! Of course it was Nicole and Jodie's fault. Them and their no-good vaginas. It certainly wasn't because the scripts for those movies, you know, sucked.) Obviously, there are some downsides to Robinov's inane, misogynistic decree: Hollywood gets even more chauvinistic, there are even fewer good roles for women, and we have an overall feeling of ickiness that's going to take several showers to wash off. But there's always a silver lining, right? In this case: No more Sandra Bullock movies. Admit it: Being able to go into Fox Tower without fear of accidentally stumbling into Miss Congeniality 3: Book Club! is something we can all get behind.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7 So. Blackwater. Republicans call them "independent contractors," while everyone with common sense calls them "mercenaries." But the shit hit the fan for Blackwater's soldiers of fortune this week, when it came out that the company's mercenaries—er, "contract security guards"—had killed a whole bunch of innocent Iraqis on September 16. The New York Times reports that Erik Prince, the head of Blackwater USA, told a House investigative panel that his employees were merely responding to hostile fire in the shootout (which according to the US, killed eight Iraqis, and according to the Iraqis, killed 17). Witnesses and the country's officials beg to differ, with the Iraqi government calling the action "deliberate murder." Meanwhile, a Congressional committee found that Blackwater guards have regularly "fired their weapons from moving vehicles without stopping to count the dead or assist the wounded" and "sought to cover up other episodes." The report also lashed into the State Department "for exercising virtually no restraint or supervision" over Blackwater's 861 Iraq employees, despite diplomats' repeated warnings regarding their conduct. How strange. You'd think somebody would have told Blackwater about the whole "winning the hearts and minds of Iraqis" thing, but it must have escaped their notice.