MONDAY, OCTOBER 15 Ellen DeGeneres: PUPPY MURDERER? While many consider Ellen to be America's Most Beloved Lesbian™, that assumption took a huge hit today when she tearfully confessed on her daytime talk show that her actions caused a puppy to be confiscated by a rescue shelter. Here's the sordid story: Apparently Ellen and her hot live-in GF Portia de Rossi went through the long, involved process of adopting a puppy (Named "Iggy"—get it? "Iggy Pup?" UGGHH!!) from a local rescue shelter. However, after getting the pup home, they quickly realized that Iggy was "too energetic for their household." Not realizing that rescue shelters have long, involved adoption procedures FOR A REASON (protecting the welfare of the dog), Ellen gave Iggy away to the first available party, her hairdresser on the show. Unsurprisingly, the rescue shelter went to the hairdresser's house and re-rescued Iggy—which led to Ellen's mental collapse on national TV. "I'm begging [the rescue shelter] to give that dog back to that family," she wailed. "It's not their fault! It's my fault. I shouldn't have given the dog away!" No shit, lesbian Sherlock. To make matters worse, Ellen's televised breakdown activated America's trailer park set, who responded to the rescue shelter with angry calls, and even death threats. Happily for everyone involved, the situation soon resolved itself when Iggy was sent to a new, APPROVED home, and even better? Ellen was so distraught that she cancelled two entire episodes of her lousy show. See? Everyone wins!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16 Halloween may be just around the corner, but democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama just received the scare of his life: He is related to Vice President Dick Cheney. (Insert blood-curdling scream here.) According to reports, the Veep's wife Lynne Cheney made the startling discovery while researching genealogical records, learning that Obama is eighth cousins with the smirking minion of Satan. If Obama wins the election (which is practically an impossibility now that this terrible news has arrived), expect a very awkward family reunion. MEANWHILE... Is Lindsay Lohan totes broke? (NOTE: "Totes" is gossip column lingo for "totally" and while it makes little sense, we will be totes using it from now on.) According to Brit tab News of the World, LiLo has checked out of rehab, and straight into a world of financial hurt. Says another of the tab's oh-so-reliable "sources," not only has Lindsay blown untold millions on expensive hotel stays, most of the money has gone straight inside her petite nostrils. "She still thinks nothing of blowing thousands of dollars on a single night of partying," says this source. "And the amount she has wasted putting cocaine up her nose is disgusting." If you'd like to donate some money to help Lindsay's deteriorating financial predicament, please send it to "LiLo's Totes Disgusting," care of this paper.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17 Speaking of totes disgusting, a rape allegation has been leveled against famed cheesy magician David Copperfield. While the specifics of the allegation are still sketchy at this point, the FBI has raided his Las Vegas warehouse, which Copperfield has nerdily dubbed "The International Museum & Library of the Conjuring Arts." Upon entering the space, FBI agents discovered "a trove of sports cars, vintage automatons, gargoyle heads, gadgetry, and an electric chair." The agents seized a computer hard drive, digital camera system, and nearly $2 million in cash. Regardless of the insinuations, Copperfield's lawyers are fervently denying the sexual assault charge: "While my client's penis may have materialized in her vagina, the illusion was entirely consensual."

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18 Britney Spears just inadvertently came up with the name of her autobiography: I Can't Believe This is Happening: The Britney Spears Story. Just when you think Britney's situation can't get any worse... the hits just keep on coming! For example: (1) Last weekend Britney hit yet another car, reversing into a paparazzo's vehicle. (2) Earlier this week, Britney turned herself in to police on misdemeanor charges of hit and run, after an earlier incident where she banged into a parked car and fled the scene without leaving a note. (3) Yesterday, a judge revoked all of Britney's child visitation rights after she failed to answer calls from court-appointed drug testers. She blames it on "bad cell phone reception." (4) And finally, after copping to a hit and run charge earlier in the week, Britney followed it up today with yet another hit and run. Exiting the parking garage of a Beverly Hills medical facility (remember this for later), Britney's car was swarmed by paparazzi. As she slowly pulled away, the foot of one of the snappers was caught under the tire, and as he screamed in agony, Britney covered her mouth in shock and drove away crying. Says a source to E! Online, the latest developments have had a devastating effect on Britney. "She's really upset," said the source. "She keeps saying, 'I can't believe this is happening.' It's like she just can't accept what's happened." Uhhh... yeah, DUMBASS. That's what "I can't believe this is happening" generally MEANS. Britney's problems are bad enough—does she really need stupid sources, too?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19 So we've been dying to know: Where was Britney going in such a hurry when she ran over that poor man's foot?! Here's a guess: Maybe she was late to meet with her court-appointed parenting coach? No, that couldn't have been it. "Sources say Britney had a scheduled time to meet the coach yesterday at her Malibu home. The coach made the trek, but no Britney," TMZ reports. And there's more: "We're told during the hearing earlier this week, the coach phoned in and asked... if she could end the home visits, presumably because they were going nowhere." (Shocking!) So the question remains: Why was the Britta in such a hurry? Here's another guess, and this one makes way more sense: Maybe she wanted to hide her new lips? Turns out Brit was leaving a plastic surgeon's office when she ran over the paparazzo's foot, and she was suspiciously covering her mouth—where what appeared to be two giant pink sausages were glued to her face. Say what you will about Britney, but at least she has her priorities. MEANWHILE... Get this: Paris Hilton wants to be cryogenically frozen, and Australia's the Herald Sun quoted her as saying, "My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years." Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20 Today an imaginary wizard became the most famous gay person on the planet. Last night at a reading in New York, a young Harry Potter fan asked author J.K. Rowling if Albus Dumbledore ever found true love. "Dumbledore is gay, actually," Rowling responded, causing the assembled dweebs to react first with shocked silence, then with cheers. According to Rowling, the ridiculously named Dumbledore was in love with an even more ridiculously named wizard, Gellert Grindelwald—and when Grindelwald turned evil, Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down." Huh. How about that. Well, anyway—live it up, you sad, lonely writers of erotic Harry Potter fan fiction! Today is your day to straighten your inch-thick glasses, wipe the drool from your "I've Got Wood for Luna Lovegood" t-shirts, and proudly proclaim, "I told you so!" Yes, pervy dweebs—today is your day! Your only day. Ever. Enjoy it! (Wedgies will resume tomorrow, promptly at 8 am.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21 Today Britney Spears regained visitation rights to her children. With all natural laws of logic and decency so brazenly and bewilderingly defied, the universe promptly exploded.