MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12 UPDATE!! As it turns out, socialite/jailbird/porn star Paris Hilton does NOT support drunken elephants. Today the AP gleefully reported that Paris has been praised by animal activists for bringing attention to the plight of Indian elephants who binge on alcohol, go berserk, and are summarily electrocuted. (The comparison to Paris' own life is kind of uncanny, isn't it?) However, according to a statement from the AP released later today, "Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she [Paris] never made any comments about helping drunkenelephants in India." Since we're talking about the AP here—one of the world's most trusted news agencies—we're willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume they got confused. When Paris said she was interested in drunken elephants from India, what she really meant was that she was sick of elephants drinking all her booze and snorting all her alleged coke. The AP regrets the error.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13 As we snickered about last week in One Day, single-testicled cyclist Lance Armstrong has been spotted in the canoodle-sphere (that means "making out") with google-eyed string bean Ashley Olsen. And while Lance fervently denies the pairing... we don't care. This is so amazing we're going to keep talking about it anyway. Today, Lance's daughter trumped all the other kids in her elementary school, by bringing the best object ever to "show and tell": daddy's newest doll, Ashley Olsen. However, no one is saying how Ashley was actually presented to the class. We're thinking it was in one of the following ways: (1) As an anorexic. (2) A "bag lady." (3) A separated half of a Siamese twin. (4) A living troll doll. (5) Daddy's newest whore. MEANWHILE... Speaking of transforming today's youth into whores, Girls Gone Wild creator/king of the douchebags Joe Francis is still in prison, and still crying like a fat, greasy baby. Francis has been incarcerated in Reno's Washoe County Jail on tax evasion charges since May, and while he could pay a $1.5 million bond and walk out, Francis would then immediately be extradited to Florida (for his crimes of filming underage girls flashing their underage boobies) where the judge refuses to grant him bail. And it's because of this that Joe Francis calls his incarceration, quote, "ONE OF THE GREATEST MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE EVER." Oh, forget Nelson Mandela! Forget O.J.'s acquittal! Multimillionaire Joe Francis is the true victim here—the victim of a callous system that refuses to pardon multimillionaires who made their money on the nude bosoms of drunken impressionable girls with zero self-esteem. How DARE you, Justice System? We hereby sentence you to show us your tits.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14 The gossip story of the century continues! (And by "story of the century" we naturally mean last week's shoving match between George Clooney and Fabio!) As you undoubtedly remember and are still laughing about, Clooney and Fab got in a near bitch fight at a West Hollywood restaurant after a misunderstanding about a photographer in Fabio's party. Apparently George thought the photog was snapping pictures of him, and not so politely asked her to stop. Unfortunately for everyone in the world, some idiot waiters broke up the scuffle before it turned violent—but now Fabio (in a desperate grab to resuscitate his career) is speaking out on the incident. "We were just having fun, taking pictures," Fab told OK! magazine. "All of a sudden one of the ladies said, 'There is this gentleman a few tables behind you that keeps giving me the finger. [He] called me a fat cow.' [George] was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of him. So I went to the table and explained... [but] he started being rude so I put him in his place. As you know I'm three times his size—he got a little scared. He paid his bill, got up, [but then] started insulting the girls... called them names. I lost my temper, went after him and he ran out of the restaurant." (Fabio goes on and on like this for another paragraph, but we know how it all ends: his shirt ripped open, standing on a hillside, with drooling girls draped around his legs.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15 We rarely if ever agree with Kevin Federline about anything—but we'll go along with what he told a judge this week: BRITNEY SPEARS SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING! An emergency hearing was held in which K.Fed asked the court to issue an order stopping Britney from driving while their kids are in the car. Not an entirely unreasonable request—especially since Britney has crashed into numerous vehicles, run over at least three people's feet, and this week, was photographed whizzing through a red light in a busy intersection... with the kids sleeping in the back... and her court-appointed monitor ducking down and wincing in the passenger seat. (Oh, and did we forget to mention she was texting at the time? She was probably setting up her next drug test.) Britney... you are a BILLIONAIRE. Get a chauffeur for the love of Christ! (Another plus? Chauffeurs open doors for you, which is nice for certain people who refuse to wear UNDERPANTS.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 America has a fair and impartial justice system, and everyone who breaks the law has to do their time—whether your name is Kip Romano and you're facing disorderly conduct charges because you threw a drunken hissy fit at a Blazers game when you didn't get your free Greg Oden bobblehead doll, or whether your name is Lindsay Lohan and you stole an SUV and went on a drunken tear through Los Angeles. Yesterday, Ms. Lohan served a whopping 84 minutes in jail as punishment for her July DUI. Congrats on paying your debt to society, Linds! (And just in case you don't think LiLo didn't do enough time, we'll remind you that 84 minutes is two whole minutes longer than that spoiled Nicole Richie served for her DUI—plus, we heard she called Lionel and had him pull some strings to get her out early.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17 'Kay, not to get narcissistic—okay, actually, to get totally narcissistic—but we are famous. Really famous. But while we might be famous here, you have no idea how big One Day at a Time is in Italy. We are huge over there! Or, rather, we were, until today—when a circuit court in Rome banned Italian TV and news personalities from reporting gossip! What will Italians do when they pick up their Rome Mercurio and find their favorite gossip column missing? Well, let's put it this way, Italian politicians: Compared to the rage of jilted One Day fans, the reign of Mussolini will look like a walk in the park. And also, just FYI: Until you let us get back to the business of letting Italians know about the 80-minute-long prison terms of celebutantes, you're dead to us, Italy. Though it pains us more than words can say, we'll be boycotting everything Versace. And Gucci. And also pizza. And also, Kip can't play that stupid Mario videogame of his, either.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18 "Only urgent, global action will do," warned United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon yesterday, referring to the UN's terrifying report on climate change that predicts that by 2020, there will be extreme water shortages in Africa, severe flooding in Asia, and Europe will see the extinction of many of its animal species. "I look forward to the US and China playing a more constructive role," a panicked Ban pleaded, begging for the world's worst two polluters to... well, save the world. MEANWHILE... "Screw you, Ban Ki-moon!" sneered Jim Connaughton, chairman of the White House's Council on Environmental Quality. Okay, so maybe the White House didn't say that exactly, but pretty much: What Connaughton did say was that the "scientific definition" of climate change is "lacking," adding that the US will be "operating within the construct of, again, strong agreement among world leaders that urgent action is warranted." Connaughton's gibberish, translated: "Hey, UN? Nobody in America cares. We now return you to Dancing with the Stars."