MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Generally speaking, the week before Thanksgiving is a boon to tortured celebrities. Like the rest of America, the paparazzi is far too interested in locating the perfect 12-pound free-range turkey (sans antibiotics and growth hormones) to nag Tinsel Turd's finest for photos. Unless, of course, you're Britney Spears. Today, Brit's traumatized legal team announced she would be hiring a driver to avoid any more vehicular mishaps, such as running over paparazzo's feet, and smacking into any number of parked cars. However, it might be a good idea if she hired one quick, because Us magazine reports that Britney was videotaped whizzing through THREE stop signs on her way home from the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. (Seriously, at this point the world would be safer if Britney's driver were a 10-year-old whose only experience was piloting a remote control monster truck.) MEANWHILE... Besides hiring a chauffeur, it was also reported today that Britney has hired a private detective to follow around (and dig up some dirt on) skeevy ex-hubby Kevin Federline. Says K.Fed's lawyer, "I don't think [Kevin] would be concerned about it, and I don't think he has to change anything he is doing in order to address that." In other words, unless Britney wants a bunch of clandestine photos of Kevin snoring on the couch, playing Super Mario Bros., and dipping Funyuns into a jar of jelly, she might be better off spending her money elsewhere. LIKE ON A CHAUFFEUR!!!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Today in the idiotic world of "sports," another football coach shocked the world by saying something idiotic. Nick Saban, head coach for Alabama was so upset about his team of meatheads being defeated by a lesser team of meatheads (the pathetic Louisiana-Monroe) he actually invoked the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and Pearl Harbor to describe his grief. "Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban moaned to the press. "It may be 9/11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event." Before one could count to Mississippi-five, a university spokesperson stepped up to "clarify" Saban's dumbass remarks. "What Coach Saban said did not correlate losing a football game with a tragedy [YES, IT DID], everyone needs to understand that," said panicked spokesman Jeff Purinton. "He was not equating losing football games to those catastrophic events [YES, HE WAS]." Here's what Purinton should've said: "Saban did correlate and compare losing a football game to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor, because he's from Alabama, and to those hillbillies, football is at least as important as those two tragedies. And if they lose to Auburn, that's tantamount to every baby in the world being burned alive in a tub of acid. Now... are there any questions?"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 In political news, a former White House press secretary has FINALLY admitted that the Bush administration is a bunch of lying poopy pants. In his forthcoming book, Scott McClellan reminisces about a 2003 news conference in which he told the White House press corps that Karl Rove and I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby were "not involved" in leaking the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame. "There was only one problem," McClellan wrote. "It was not true. I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest-ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself." But it gets better: When the current White House press secretary Dana Perino was asked to comment on McClellan's accusations, she said that it wasn't clear what McClellan meant by the excerpt, and that "the president has not and would not ask his spokespeople to pass on false information." We're not sure who's more pathetic: the former press secretary who couldn't figure out he was being lied to, the current press secretary who doesn't care that she's being lied to, or the rest of us... who have just gotten used to the lies.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and you'll be happy to know that absolutely NOTHING happened today, except for one thing: GRAVY. Hubby Kip and I traveled to our dreaded Aunt Wanda's home (which was filled with unrepentant Republican a-holes) for Thanksgiving festivities, and were expecting the worst day of our lives. However, there's one thing that can bring even the bitterest enemies to the same table, and that's GRAVY. Purely by accident, six separate parties brought delicious, meaty gravy to the dinner, and it was like we had died and gone to gravy heaven. Gravy was liberally applied to turkey, stuffing, dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, yams, creamed spinach, roasted vegetables... and would have probably made it into our coffee had the thought arisen. Late in the evening, instead of drunkenly arguing politics and eventually slamming the front door in tears, we all sat around the kitchen counter, reminiscing about fond family memories as we dipped freshly baked walnut chocolate chip bread into a single gravy boat. Note to Palestinians and Israelis: Just an idea... but have you tried gravy?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Last week we reported that professional douchebag/Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has been in prison in Reno since May for tax evasion charges—and summarily characterized his imprisonment as "ONE OF THE GREATEST MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE EVER." Well, get ready for more: Francis is now alleging that when he was briefly held in an Oklahoma jail, he faced some truly Abu Ghraib-like conditions. According to Francis, guards denied him "food and blankets and threatened to strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours." Oklahoma officials responded by essentially calling Francis a skeezy liar, noting that (A) guards never threatened him, and (B) Francis actually had an extra blanket. Hear that, softcore entrepreneurs? Even if you whine like a baby, you and your blankie will still be nice and warm and cozy in jail. (But now that we think about it, doesn't that "strapped naked to a chair for 48 hours" bit seems like a pretty good idea for one of Francis' videos? Expect some late-night ads for Girls Gone Wild: Prison Break!)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Poor Hulk Hogan. "I'm kind of shocked. You caught me off guard... Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me." That was Hulk Hogan, receiving the news that his wife was divorcing him. Awww. The worst part? His wife didn't bother telling him, and the above conversation took place when a reporter called the unsuspecting Hogan to get his take on the split, while he was driving at the time. "I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going on here," the stunned wrestler-turned-reality-TV-star stammered at the reporter. We would call to inform him that his reality show is about to get cancelled... but we'll leave that for another member of the press.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Christmastime always reminds us of that year when Daddy promised that Santa would give us an Easy-Bake Oven. But then there were the layoffs at the plant, and then Daddy started taking naps next to the liquor cabinet, and then on Christmas, instead of an Easy-Bake Oven, Santa brought us a half-used tube of Crest and a single mitten. Once our tears dried, we learned a valuable life lesson: When you can't live up to a promise you've made, just change the promise! Let's use Iraq as an example: the New York Times reports that due to a lack of political gains in Iraq, "the Bush administration has lowered its expectation" of unifying the splintered country, instead settling for a "diminished and more realistic set of expectations." "We can't make them like each other," an exacerbated American official in Baghdad told the Times, referring to the war-torn country's contentious factions. "We can't even make them talk to each other. Well, sometimes we can." In other words? We know we promised you an Easy-Bake Oven, Iraq. But... um... yeah. Enjoy that toothpaste! And here's a mitten.