MONDAY, JULY 31 Get ready, world! It's Mel Gibson Week—did you mark your calendars? Good, because it's time to party! And coincidentally, Mel did just that when he got caught driving stinko drunk, and called the arresting officer a "fucking Jew." (And we thought we wouldn't have anything to write about this week!) Today, Mel celebrated Day One of Mel Gibson Week by checking into rehab. Or... at least something "rehabbish." According to publicist Alan Nierob, Gibson is in "a program of recovery," but didn't really detail what this program entails. Maybe he's being forced to watch Barbra Streisand's Yentl a couple of dozen times? Brrrr... talk about "scared straight." MEANWHILE... Speaking of spiraling careers, things just keep getting worse for teen queen Lindsay Lohan. After repeated hospital visits, and getting bitched out by a studio head for her incessant partying, Lindsay's recording career in Britain has come to an end, reportedly because of her "lazy attitude." According to Britain's The Sun, the honchos at Island Records have given her the heave ho, after spending a fortune recording her last album, and then discovering she had no intention of promoting it. But did they ever stop to think that Lindsay's lifestyle is anything but lazy? First of all, you're BRITAIN. So who gives a shit, right? Second, it takes a LOT of energy to balance a movie and singing career while dating 47 guys, dancing all night, and ripping out Paris Hilton's extensions. Think about THAT, why don't you?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1 Mel Gibson Week: Day Two. Think Mel is sorry for getting stinko and claiming that Jews are behind most world wars? (We assume he's not including the Revolutionary War.) Well, today he's really really really really sorry. Three days after issuing a written apology to "anyone who I have offended," Mel sent out another—more specific—mea culpa... to "everyone in the Jewish community." See, what Mel forgot was that the Jews aren't just "anyone"... they're "THE JEWS!" And after thousands of years of getting persecuted and shit-talked, they're not going to stand for some creepy drunken movie star talking smack. Hence, the new apology which says, "There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark." He went on to "reach out to the Jewish community," asking for "one-on-one talks" and for Jewish leaders to help put him on a "path for healing." If that path includes a long walk off a short pier, we're all for it. MEANWHILE... Former porn star/socialite Paris Hilton doesn't know who Tony Blair is. When asked by British GQ if she "fancied" British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Paris responded, "Who's Tony Blair?" Then after thinking a minute, she added, "Oh yeah... he's like, your president?" Whew. For a minute we thought Paris was really going to embarrass us.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2 Today Mel celebrated "Mel Gibson Week" by being charged with two misdemeanor DUI counts and one infraction of driving around with an open bottle of tequila. "Waitasecond," you cry, "What happened to the resisting arrest charge when he made his unsuccessful dash from the cops?" Since he could barely make it 15 feet, prosecutors decided to drop that charge—apparently, being slow and fat isn't a crime. MEANWHILE... The Bush administration continues to lick their chops while Cuban leader Fidel Castro recovers after surgery for intestinal bleeding. Currently Fidel's bro Raul Castro is filling in for the downed dictator... but the American government would be pretty psyched to see someone with a more democratic flavor take his seat. Maybe like Bill O'Reilly?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3 A cadre of Los Angeles "Mel haters" have been stopped from renting a billboard on which they would post anti-Mel Gibson content. In a perfect world, the billboard would've had a picture of Mel Gibson's face with the international sign for "no" splashed on top—or hopefully something more clever. However, it's been said that the billboard company pooh-poohed the idea because they didn't want to risk alienating the studios. Or as the billboard sales rep put it, "My boss doesn't want to touch this Mel Gibson thing." Who does, my friend? Who does?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 4 Photographs of Mel Gibson posing with female fans at Moonshadow, shortly before peeling off to his ruined career, are circulating on the internet—and wow, are they funny. You know what isn't funny? Murdering dogs. As you may have heard, the Chinese are slaughtering dogs like it's going out of style, in hopes of curbing a recent rabies outbreak. Last week, after three people died of rabies, a county in southwestern Yunnan province killed 50,000 dogs, many clubbed to death in front of their owners. This seems a little harsh to us. Not to mention messy. Add, a tad psychotic and disturbing. You'd think there'd be international outrage, but for the most part, not a peep. Is no one at Dog Fancy paying attention? Does that publication not have a Beijing bureau? Why are American dogs not up in arms about this? Is it racism? If European dogs were being slaughtered, American dogs would take to the streets. Dead poodles piled in drainage ditches? Can you imagine the distress of the American Kennel Club? American dogs are all about promoting their rights when it suits them (hold my leash; pick up my poop; buy me the sensitive-stomach dog food). But beat a Chow Chow to death with a noodle ladle? You can't get American dogs to look up from the water bowl. Don't you think that says something about our country as a whole?

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5 Some of Mel Gibson's friends are gathering to defend him this week, including Jodie Foster, Patrick Swayze, and a Jewish producer who claims that Mel is one of his "best friends in Hollywood." Dude. Gibson is going to be so pissed when he finds out you're Jewish! MEANWHILE... Speaking of self-delusion, about 200 members of the KISS Army marched in front of Cleveland's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum to protest the fact that the band has yet to be inducted. They covered themselves with greasepaint and came from as far away as California. Some carried signs. Some wore wigs. Many wore black leather. Note to Californians: black leather in August in the Midwest? Not such a good idea. The demonstration lasted a half-hour. Yes—30 whole minutes. Perhaps the Army got too hot. Perhaps they became enamored of something shiny and wandered off. Perhaps they gave up when their demands were not met immediately. Or perhaps they discovered that the induction ceremonies are actually in New York. Oh, KISS Army, you're still made up of the shop kids, aren't you?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 6 More rabies hysteria! And this one can't be laid at the feet of Mel Gibson. According to the AP, officials are saying that nearly 1,000 Girl Scouts may have been exposed to rabies at a Virginia camp and should consider getting protective vaccinations. Apparently there's a small chance that bats bit the girls as they slept in open sleeping shelters. Take just a moment for that last sentence to sink in. Now, shiver. Okay, keep reading. We love Girl Scouts. They're cute and loyal and cuddly—but we've got to think of the greater good here. We let a few Girl Scouts go, and they infect a few Boy Scouts and then we've got a real problem on our hands. You know what has to be done. Just club them quickly and humanely—but for Christ's sake, don't do it in front of their parents. What do you think this is? China?